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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 17, 2010


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Ophelia
	
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them
are talking about the amount of control they have over
their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do
you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer,
sighed and uttered,

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight
like a man.'"



A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly
away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There
are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." 

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the 
one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
 


Large version 1024x768


A little boy was in health class, when his teacher asked the
students to go home and find out how man was created. The boy
went home, and his mom was peeling spuds for dinner.

He asked, "Mom, how were we created?"

His mom said, "We were made from spuds," because she was
peeling spuds and there was nothing else.

When his mom left the kitchen, he got a spud and put it in
his trouser pocket.

The next day at school, the boy was in health class, when
the teacher asked if the students knew how man was created.
The boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.

"Miss, would you like me to tell you or to show you?"

The teacher replied, "It's all right, I know you know the
answer."


Ole and Sven are neighbors in Southern Manitoba.  Ole is
in need of a new milk cow.  He hears about a nice one for
sale over the border in Minnesota.

He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see
if she gives milk.  When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow breaks
wind.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling
the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again.  He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again.  Milk does come out, however, so after
some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here
and look at dis new cow I just bought.  Pull her teat,
and see what happens."

Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts.  Sven looks
at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how
did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."


The agent for a Pamplastic, a fairly good looking actress, 
discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a 
fifty dollars a night.

The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that s
he had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told 
her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted 
to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, butsaid he would 
have to pay her the same fifty dollars that the other customers 
did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, 
"Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, 
she came to his apartment after her performance at a local 
night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning 
out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again.  Again she was vigorously 
screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again 
she was screwed.

The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. 
I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. 
"Your agent is at the front door, selling hundred dollar tickets."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 16, 2010




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


An old man and an old woman meet and get married. On their honeymoon
at the resort, they get ready for their first night together. Somewhat
shyly, they begin to take their clothes off.

The old woman says to the old man, "Before we do this, there's
something I have to tell you."

"What is it?", asks the old man.

She hesitantly replies, "I have to let you know that I have acute
angina."

He says, "Well, your boobs are quite cute too, ya know!"


A merchant captain and several of his officers were
returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over
himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, he shouted, "Give
that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning, the captain was checking the log and
saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and
asked the chief mate why.

"Well, sir, when we got you undressed, we found that he'd
also taken a dump in your pants."

 


Large version 1024x768
X-Large version 1600x1200

And for the poor folks with a sawed off screen:
Large version 1280x800
X-Large version 1600x1000



Rosey, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of her
parties over the Holidays. A friend of hers brought his brother who had
just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a drink from the
tray and said, "I'm sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and
bring you a coke."

The Priest smiled and said "No need to. I may have alcohol. Priests
abstain from sex, not the grape."

"Oh !" said Rosey blushing, "So that's it. I knew it was one or the
other that I wasn't supposed to offer you."


Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up.  "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one
white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows
how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are,
who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "I fell off it about a half hour 
ago."


The 20 RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know
whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what
she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take
the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male
must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

19. That one is a "Gimmie". We make it up as and when needed.

20. That one, of course, is secret.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 15, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had
received, so he asked his secretary for some
mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary grinned and replied,
"Everything but my earrings."


A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When
he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had
spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the
shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the
subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first
time he got so sore he could hardly walk for a week,
and the second time he fell off."

 



This picture started out square, but I KNEW a few dozen of you
were going to ask me for big pictures to use as wall paper and
screen saver. So I sent it to DearWebby to fix it without stretching
the horse. "For a chocolate cake, no problem", he said.

For THAT picture, it's worth it!
Large version
X-Large version


Two nuns were driving in the country and ran out of gas. They
spotted a farmhouse to ask the farmer if he could give them enough
gas to get to the next town.

The farmer agrees, but says he has no container to put the gas in.
He takes them into the barn to see if there is anything they can
find that will do the job.

Amidst a pile of junk one of the nuns spots a bedpan and says,
"That will do just great! We're used to using those bedpans in the
hospital."

Farmer fills it with gas for them. The nuns take the bedpan full
of gas back to their car. They pour the gas into their car's gas
tank when a car drives up.

The window rolls down and a man leans out the window and says,
"Sisters ... I'm not a Roman Catholic ... as a matter of fact I'm
a Baptist clergyman. But I just had to stop to tell you how much I
admire your faith that that's going to work!!!
And if it does, I am converting!"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in
the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while
to find a deaf pilot."


This one is a classic!
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first
grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and  he
agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"          Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"          Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can
go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions
myself."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the
man suddenly slipped a disk in his back!  He was stuck he couldn't
move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude
beneath her 250 pound lover.  They were desperate to get out so she
managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn.
A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.

Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while
others worked to free them.  Finally firemen cut away the car frame.
The 250 pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped
out of the car, too.

The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would
be fine, but she was so upset.  She said she was worried about how
she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!


From Andy:
As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that
careful about who I dated.  This one young lady and I connected,
and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel.  After a
very pleasant love-making session I noticed the time.  I asked her,
if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been.

She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do.  it's that damned
truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions."

 



SOMEBODY is going to be sorry!


A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a
drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay,
but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"


A teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game
today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word
'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give
us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark ... perhaps it's going to
rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back: "Johnny?"

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my
sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to
their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna moon the piano."


A little flea who lived in Florida was sunning himself on
the beach one day when he saw another flea, with whom he had
been in college, pass him by on the beach looking dragged
out and beaten down. "What's wrong with you?", he asked.

His friend responded that he had hooked a ride to Florida in
this guy's mustache and the guy rode his motorcycle from
Maine all the way to Miami and he had been frozen solid,
cold, wet and miserable for the whole ride.

Our Miami flea informed his friend that the best thing he
could do, next year, would be to get under a seat in the
ladies toilet room at the airport, wait until a stewardess
came in, and when she was seated, seize the opportunity to
get into her "bush" and then he would have nice, warm, moist
ride on an airplane all the way to Miami!

"Great idea, man, thanks!", says the northern flea.

A year later, our Miami flea is on the beach and along comes
the flea from up north, again looking bedraggled, cold, wet
and miserable.

"What happened to you?" asked Miami flea!

"I did what you said... I got into the ladies john, waited
until a stewardess sat down on the seat I was under; I
quickly jumped aboard that lush, warm bush and off we went;
I was so comfortable I fell asleep. The next thing I know, I
wake up and I'm on this guy's mustache again"!!!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar
but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he
had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and
pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will
you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million
bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves
him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a
million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a
million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch
Bic?"


A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having Sex and the
mom was jumpin all over the dad. So the next day the little
boy asks his mom what she was doing.

She replies with "Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat
and needs to lose weight." The little boy said "But Mommy,
that wont work because every morning the lady next door
comes over and blows him back up!"

 





In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers
decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short,
fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he
woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The
amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment
silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go
to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of
the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never
reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So
they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to
mend their ways. The cook heard them out, then said, "You
are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, but vat then 
should I use fer thickening your gravy?"


An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup.  The Doctor asks him
how he is feeling "I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant
with my child What do you think about that?" The Doctor considers
this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.  I
know of guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.   But one
day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and
suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of  him! He raises up
his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle.
BAM!!!!  The beaver drops dead in front of him. 

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, 
"Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."


There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked
the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he
started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him 
he was a holy man.

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in
the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page
where someone wrote in pencil...
"The hat check girl puts out!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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-----------------------------------------