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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 11, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The Olympic Medical Staff has determined that
having sex before participating in athletic activity,
such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have been known to display this physical
ability for centuries. Almost immediately after sex,
they glance at their watches and say, "Well, I gotta
run and get home before daylight! "


Richard comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife 
is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out 
screwing another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my
pol cue."

 





Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"And I am gay."

So he fired those four.


A guy goes to the doctor due to a hangnail. He walks in,
tells the nurse what is wrong and she immediately tells him:
"Go into the cubicle on the left and take off all your
clothes. The doctor will be with you shortly." Wondering why
this problem would require one to undress, he nontheless
complies. After a few minutes, he becomes aware someone is
in the cubicle next to his, separated only by a curtain. He
peeks and there is another guy standing there undressed.

He attracts the man's attention, then asks "Why do you
suppose that nurse told me to take off all my clothes? I
only have a hangnail?"

The other man replied, "Hell no, I'm just the FedEx man 
trying to deliver a package."


I thought those of you in the medical profession should
be aware of these new drugs.  You who are not, well, you
should know too.

These are the new wonder drugs that will soon be available:

Peptobimbo ...
Liquid silicone for single women.  Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ...
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor ..
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ...
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines,
and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ...
Potent antibiotic for older women.  Increases
resistance to such lines as,"You make me want
to be a better person ...  can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ...
Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping.  Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ...
When combined with Buyagra,can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

St. Mom's Wort ...
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up
to six hours.

Anti-talksident ...
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used
on anyone too eager to share their life stories
with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ...
Bedroom aerosol spray for men.  More effective
than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ...
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Jack Asspirin ..
Relieves the headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 10, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

To get acquainted with his new Parish, a new Priest
decided to call on some different parishoners every
day. One he selected was a young widow, whose
husband had died two years ago, according to the
index card he had.

After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young
lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I
was looking for the widow Laffitte."
"You've found her Father." smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your
husband died over two years ago." he said glancing
at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't...."


Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's
recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he
cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life.
How do you expect me to give up sex and quit
cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and
taper off gradually."

 





A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about
the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the
clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"
One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."
"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't
got?"
After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no
pendulum, Miss."


Little Johnny's mother got volunteered to host the reunion 
dinner this year for all the aunts and uncles, sisters, brothers, 
nieces, nephews and so forth. Just before supper time, 
Mom took Little Johnny aside and told him to say the blessing.

"But what'll I say, Mom?" asked Little Johnny.

"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many times."

Little Johnny stood with the other folks around the table and when his
mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord... 
How did I get stuck cooking for all these idiots this year?


A girl called the police department and reported that she had been
assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this
happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

"Well, if he had called back, it would have been different. 
But he didn't, so he did."
-----------
Dear Webby, my HTML coach, would call that "Blonde Logic",
but I see her point!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 9, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man came home and found a note from his wife stating that
she had gone to a nudist colony.  He went up to the place
and asked her why she'd done it.


She replied, "I told you I would!  May be next time you'll
believe me when I tell you I've got nothing to wear!"



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he
asked her to make love with him. 

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. 

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I 
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love
again?" 

Alma agrees and again they make love. 

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only 
eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, 
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." 

She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. 

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped
his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours
left! Could we...?" 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

 




To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his
 apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not
 wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

 Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed
 to get sunburned on his "tool of the trade". Being very determined the
 young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot babe.
 So, he decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in
 gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

 The babe showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
 treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the
 living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's
 sunburn  started acting up. After several minutes of extreme 
 discomfort he asked  to be excused, went into the kitchen, 
 and poured a tall, cold glass of  milk. He then placed his 
 sunburned member in the milk and experienced
 immediate relief of his pain.

 The babee, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
 the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
 Baffled she exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad
wolf crouched down behind a log.  "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.  Further down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.  "My
what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."  Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and
this time he is crouched down behind a rock.  "My what big teeth you have
Mr. Wolf."  With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF, THIS IS MY OUTHOUSE!"


"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get
married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15?  That's too young! Marrying you would be against the
law!"

"I see, " said the young man.  "Could you try explaining
that to the fella behind me, the one with the shotgun?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 8, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their
wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary
or traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an
alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so
he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When
he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into
the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was
starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would like the traditional service instead."


Once at the time of the 30-year war, the Germans were looting
all villages, of food, wine and women.  Before they could
enter one such village, the villagers decide to flee, except
for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother.

So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.

"Bring us some food."

The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread"

"War is Hell, bring us the food."   So he gives them the last
morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine."

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things
are these days!"

"War is Hell, bring us the wine."  So the young man manages
half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman."

"But everyone has left the village.  The only female present
here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"

"War is Hell, bring her to us."  The old woman is brought and
she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it
and say, "We'll let you off this time'"

"You don't get off that easy," Granny cries, "War is Hell!!"

 





In Pennsylvania Station in New york the gateman was having
difficulty with a pair of soldiers.  Hearing the commotion,
a young lieutenant hastened to the scene.

"What's the matter here?" he asked.

"These two soldiers," complained the railroad employee,
"insist on going through the gate without tickets."

"I'll handle this, said officer.  Turning to the soldiers,
he commanded, "Forward march!"  he led them through the gate
and onto the train.  "All right," he advised the G.I's,
"at ease!"

"Say, Lieutenant, thanks a lot," said one of the soldiers.

He shrugged, "Don't mention it.  I don't have a ticket
either.


A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself
and his girlfriend.  The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up
and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.  A
couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them
onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three
condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day
cruise.  The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to
buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.  The following day, the
travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day
cruise.  The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore.  He asked for three
more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes
you sea-sick, why don't yo try a different position?"


A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a
counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's
dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms
off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the
clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to
get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her
and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the
frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said,
"I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!,'
and it didn't move. So, it must be dead..."


A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise 
and was turned down.
He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order 
to work there he would have to answer one question.  
The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.

He then went to a Baptist church.  The minister told him that 
in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.  
He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him.  
The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise.  Please 
come back immediately."

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer 
a question, "Where was Jesus born?"

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".
"Oh, no!" cries the man.  "I knew it was in Pennsylvania somewhere!"

 





There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the
time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine
him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle,


"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,
snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip,
snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to
look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the
doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did
you do?"

The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"


A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands.  One lady said, "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless
I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single
women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything.
They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll
be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way!  In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going
to shoot every preacher I can find, to make sure I'll go straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do 
you??!?"


From Larry:
  
DEAR OPHELIA,                                                                                          7/6/2010
 
GREETINGS FROM OHIO!  I ENJOY YOUR EMAILS EVERYDAY AND READ 
THEM WITH DEVOTION..  YOUR JOKE TODAY CAUSED ME TO LAUGH 
FOR FIVE MINUTES.
 
"Ah, what a pity," the digger said leaning on his shovel.
"One of the poor lasses must be ill."
 
THANK YOU FOR CARING SO MUCH ABOUT YOIUR READERS.  
YOU MUST GET 1,000 LETTERS OF PRAISE.  IF
SO, PLEASE COUNT THIS AS NUMBER 1001.
 
CHEERS.....GOD BLESS YOU....LARRY 
 
Dear Larry
Thanks for your kind letter!

No, I don't get 1000 letters a day. Not even 10, including 
counting the spam. Actually, the Mailwasher that 
Dear Webby talked me into, takes care of the spam quite nicely.

Your letter made quite a difference and brightened my day!
Enjoy
Ophelia



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------