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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 8, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
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A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their
wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary
or traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an
alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so
he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When
he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into
the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was
starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would like the traditional service instead."


Once at the time of the 30-year war, the Germans were looting
all villages, of food, wine and women.  Before they could
enter one such village, the villagers decide to flee, except
for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother.

So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.

"Bring us some food."

The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread"

"War is Hell, bring us the food."   So he gives them the last
morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine."

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things
are these days!"

"War is Hell, bring us the wine."  So the young man manages
half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman."

"But everyone has left the village.  The only female present
here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"

"War is Hell, bring her to us."  The old woman is brought and
she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it
and say, "We'll let you off this time'"

"You don't get off that easy," Granny cries, "War is Hell!!"

 





In Pennsylvania Station in New york the gateman was having
difficulty with a pair of soldiers.  Hearing the commotion,
a young lieutenant hastened to the scene.

"What's the matter here?" he asked.

"These two soldiers," complained the railroad employee,
"insist on going through the gate without tickets."

"I'll handle this, said officer.  Turning to the soldiers,
he commanded, "Forward march!"  he led them through the gate
and onto the train.  "All right," he advised the G.I's,
"at ease!"

"Say, Lieutenant, thanks a lot," said one of the soldiers.

He shrugged, "Don't mention it.  I don't have a ticket
either.


A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself
and his girlfriend.  The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up
and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.  A
couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them
onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three
condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day
cruise.  The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to
buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.  The following day, the
travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day
cruise.  The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore.  He asked for three
more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes
you sea-sick, why don't yo try a different position?"


A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a
counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's
dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms
off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the
clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to
get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her
and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the
frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said,
"I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!,'
and it didn't move. So, it must be dead..."


A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise 
and was turned down.
He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order 
to work there he would have to answer one question.  
The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.

He then went to a Baptist church.  The minister told him that 
in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.  
He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him.  
The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise.  Please 
come back immediately."

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer 
a question, "Where was Jesus born?"

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".
"Oh, no!" cries the man.  "I knew it was in Pennsylvania somewhere!"

 





There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the
time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine
him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle,


"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,
snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip,
snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to
look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the
doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did
you do?"

The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"


A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands.  One lady said, "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless
I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single
women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything.
They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll
be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way!  In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going
to shoot every preacher I can find, to make sure I'll go straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do 
you??!?"


From Larry:
  
DEAR OPHELIA,                                                                                          7/6/2010
 
GREETINGS FROM OHIO!  I ENJOY YOUR EMAILS EVERYDAY AND READ 
THEM WITH DEVOTION..  YOUR JOKE TODAY CAUSED ME TO LAUGH 
FOR FIVE MINUTES.
 
"Ah, what a pity," the digger said leaning on his shovel.
"One of the poor lasses must be ill."
 
THANK YOU FOR CARING SO MUCH ABOUT YOIUR READERS.  
YOU MUST GET 1,000 LETTERS OF PRAISE.  IF
SO, PLEASE COUNT THIS AS NUMBER 1001.
 
CHEERS.....GOD BLESS YOU....LARRY 
 
Dear Larry
Thanks for your kind letter!

No, I don't get 1000 letters a day. Not even 10, including 
counting the spam. Actually, the Mailwasher that 
Dear Webby talked me into, takes care of the spam quite nicely.

Your letter made quite a difference and brightened my day!
Enjoy
Ophelia



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and politely asks:
"Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I
wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have
misunderstood me, I said
'You look fat in those pants'."


This bluehaired lady in a nursing home stands up and
raises her fist in the Rec Center one day and says,
"Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex
with me tonight".
A little old man in the back of the room yells,
"an elephant".

She peeks into her fist and yells back, 
"Close enough, you win!!!"

 





A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his
inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed
to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up
nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the
anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all
broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go
get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding
his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine
until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"


Two Irishmen were digging a ditch across the street from a
brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the door,
glance around, and duck inside.

"Ah, will you look at that?" one ditch digger said. "What's
our world coming to when men of the cloth are visitin' such
places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the
door and quietly slipped inside.

"Do you believe that?" the workman exclaimed. "Why, tis no
wonder the young people today are so confused, what with the
example clergymen are settin' for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched a Catholic priest
enter the whorehouse.

"Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel.
"One of the poor lasses must be ill."


A woman is playing a round of golf, when a bee stings her.
Infuriated, she storms off the course and hunts down the
greens keeper, explaining her disgust in him for allowing
all these aggressive insects on the grounds.

After getting the lady to calm down, he asks her to explain
how and where she was stung.

The lady replies between the first and second hole.

"A-ha," says the greens keeper. "Your stance is too wide!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 5, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live
without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to tell the nut to smarten up and 
leave me alone!!"


There was an Army ranger deployed to Afghanistan. While he
was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while
he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants
pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any
squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies
and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please
take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.
Thank you.

 





A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so
often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared
before a judge who asked,
"Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble,
hiding from the law, what?"

"No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening to jokes about
rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want
my name changed.

The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."

He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor."

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally,
your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard

"who's there?"

He said, "It's me!

She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "what it is?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. 
Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.

"Oh!... Come on in, Dick


On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes
over the final exam. "The exam will test your
comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a
multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.
Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the
final exam, or she won't graduate.
After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.
"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I
don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping
you could help me out."
Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making
love in his office.
Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"
"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to
come back tomorrow at noon."
"What's tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part
of the exam."


"Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher.
"There's earth and there's air," began the boy,
"and then fire and..... er......water  ..... and -
oh, yes - screwing."

The teacher gasped, then recovered herself.

"That filthy thing you named, what ever made you
include it?"

"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends,"
answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing,
he's in his element."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 4, 2010
Happy Independence Day!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder



Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An American tourist was riding on a bus in London.  It was a particularly
windy day, and as a young lady boarded the bus, the wind blew her skirt high
above her head.  The young lady was not wearing panties.

As she was walking by him, he remarked, "Airy isn't it?"  

She snapped at him: "What the 'ell did you expect?  Feathers?"


Sloboski walks in and sits down at a bar.  The side of his face is
bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world
happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called
her a two-bit hooker."

"Yeah," says the bartender.  "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

 


Looks like somebody is not getting away with surfing a female
moose out of season.



"Hello?" Tina responded answering the phone. 
Hearing no response, except for some heavy breathing, 
she repeated, "Hello?"

The male voice at the other end rasped and panted obscenely, 
"I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, 
undress you, kiss you from head to toe,...."

"WOW! Boy, you really are good!" she interrupted. 
"You mean you can tell all that from just two hellos?"


A soldier requested a two-day leave, as he was to become a
father in the near future. When he returned to the base one
week later, the sergeant asked:

Was it a boy or girl?

I don't know yet. I'll let you know in about 9 months.


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a
question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in
his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only
succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The
young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When
the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our
son in-law!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
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