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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, July 5, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" "No, I'm asking you to tell the nut to smarten up and leave me alone!!" There was an Army ranger deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you. 
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?" "No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed. The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?" He said, "Candy." The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me." He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor." The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy." He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me! She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked." He said, "It's not Bubba." She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice." He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it." She asked, "what it is?" He said, "Guess." She said, "Leroy?" He answered, "No." She said, "Johnny?" He answered, "No." She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in." He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth. "Oh!... Come on in, Dick On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam. Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate. After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office. "Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out." Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office. Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?" "So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon." "What's tomorrow?" "Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam." "Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher. "There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire and..... er......water ..... and - oh, yes - screwing." The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?" "I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's in his element."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 2.8 / 124 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, July 4, 2010 Happy Independence Day!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An American tourist was riding on a bus in London. It was a particularly windy day, and as a young lady boarded the bus, the wind blew her skirt high above her head. The young lady was not wearing panties. As she was walking by him, he remarked, "Airy isn't it?" She snapped at him: "What the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?" Sloboski walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit hooker." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!" 
Looks like somebody is not getting away with surfing a female
moose out of season.
"Hello?" Tina responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, except for some heavy breathing, she repeated, "Hello?" The male voice at the other end rasped and panted obscenely, "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, kiss you from head to toe,...." "WOW! Boy, you really are good!" she interrupted. "You mean you can tell all that from just two hellos?" A soldier requested a two-day leave, as he was to become a father in the near future. When he returned to the base one week later, the sergeant asked: Was it a boy or girl? I don't know yet. I'll let you know in about 9 months. One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3.1 / 105 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young lady says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator." He motions with his finger, "Come this way..." She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a damn vibrator." A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." 
Large version
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if he uses sign language. So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof. His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks. "Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response. Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife. "Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks. "Yes", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the shed. And I know damn well you understood, that I was telling you, that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat. You are just playing dumb as an excuse to come back for a quickie!" ----------- Yep. It's always HIS fault! That's the rules, especially if she is the one who wants one. Jill: I think I'll invite Charlie and Janie to come over next weekend for BBQ. Mary: You can't. There is no more "Charlie and Janie." Jill: No! Mary: Yes! Charlie left Janie for somebody else. Jill: Who could possibly tempt Charlie away from somebody as pretty, sweet, and HOT as Janie? Mary: Somebody named Mary. Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Nancy in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be messing with my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Nancy and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?" "Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 2.9 / 113 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, July 2, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mifter?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, WOSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "They are for my girlfriend". She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pweetty WED ones, and a lot of them, too! You weally must have fucked up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was howling, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats! A man gets on the bus one day looking sad and dejected. The bus driver asks him what's wrong and the man replies "I haven't had a date in years, I'm so lonely!" The bus driver says "I have a surefire method for meeting women... just watch." Just then a woman gets on the bus and bus driver says "tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman turns around in disgust and asks "What did you say?" The bus driver replies "typically nasty looking weather." "Oh..." says the woman, smiles sweetly and says "yes it is". The man is amazed, and witnessing this two more times with perfect results, decides to try it himself. The next woman to board the bus walks past the man who repeats "tickle you ass with a feather?" To which the woman replies "what did you just say to me?" "Looks like rain, wanna screw?" 
Large version
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh." They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny." Now Little Johnny, being more than a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!" Judi was walking past a shop in the mall. In the window of the shop is a sign that says, "Good Home Wanted For Licking Frog." *Immediately* intrigued, she walks into the store. She goes right up to the guy behind the counter. "I've come about the licking frog." "Oui, Madame?" A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell. The lady opens the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!" The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute! What are you supposed to be?" The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!" The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?" The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, July 1, 2010 Happy Canada Day and long weekend!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The taxi driver took Dave to the railway station to catch a train to Sydney. 'You want to watch them flamin' wild wimmen down there,' warned the taxi driver. 'Don't worry about me,' says Dave, 'I'm as smart as any of them sheilas, any day.' A fortnight later Dave gets off the train back home and hails the taxi. 'I want yer to take me an' the wife out to the farm" says Dave. The taxi driver looks at the woman standing on the station and couldn't help but notice that she was about six or seven months pregnant. 'Is this one 'ere yer wife?' he asks. 'Yeah,' says Dave, with a big grin on his face. 'But she's well on the way to havin' a baby.' 'That's right,' grins Dave. 'But face it, Dave. It won't be your baby?' 'Don't be silly! Course it's my baby,' protested Dave. 'How do yer make out it's your baby?' 'Well,' says Dave, 'if you buy a cow and it has a calf, the bloody calf's yours, ain't it?' She: I think my husband may be fooling around on me. He: Really? I think my wife may be too! She: Well, who cares? C'mere, Lover! (Just as they are about to get busy, the phone rings.) She: Hello. Yeah, that's fine. Bye. He: Who was that? She: It was my husband. He claimed he was at your house and wanted to stay a while and play cards! Let's get to it, Lover! (The phone rings again.) She: Hello. Oh, I think it will be a while. Bye. He: And who was THAT? She: It was your wife! She wanted to know about how long you and my husband would be here playing cards! 
ARKANSAS poetry, and translation SEVILLE DER DEGO TAUSIN BUSSES INARO NOJO DEMES TRUX SUMMIT CAUSIN SUMMIT DUX Translation See Willie, there they go A Thousand busses in a row No, Joe, those are trucks Some with cows in them, some with ducks. Mary: It was supposed to be nothing more than a good night kiss, but he tried to run his hand up under my skirt. Jill: How forward! Mary: Exactly! That's why I stopped him, and he said, "Oh, Honey! Am I the first one ever to do this to you?" Jill: Oh, please! Mary: I know! So I said, "I don't know; you haven't done anything yet, and at this rate you'll never get the chance either!" Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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