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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, July 2, 2010
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mifter?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, WOSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "They are for my girlfriend". She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pweetty WED ones, and a lot of them, too! You weally must have fucked up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was howling, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats! A man gets on the bus one day looking sad and dejected. The bus driver asks him what's wrong and the man replies "I haven't had a date in years, I'm so lonely!" The bus driver says "I have a surefire method for meeting women... just watch." Just then a woman gets on the bus and bus driver says "tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman turns around in disgust and asks "What did you say?" The bus driver replies "typically nasty looking weather." "Oh..." says the woman, smiles sweetly and says "yes it is". The man is amazed, and witnessing this two more times with perfect results, decides to try it himself. The next woman to board the bus walks past the man who repeats "tickle you ass with a feather?" To which the woman replies "what did you just say to me?" "Looks like rain, wanna screw?" 
Large version
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, doing it, well, doggy style. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh." They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring her" Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny." Now Little Johnny, being more than a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!" Judi was walking past a shop in the mall. In the window of the shop is a sign that says, "Good Home Wanted For Licking Frog." *Immediately* intrigued, she walks into the store. She goes right up to the guy behind the counter. "I've come about the licking frog." "Oui, Madame?" A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell. The lady opens the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!" The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute! What are you supposed to be?" The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!" The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?" The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, July 1, 2010 Happy Canada Day and long weekend!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The taxi driver took Dave to the railway station to catch a train to Sydney. 'You want to watch them flamin' wild wimmen down there,' warned the taxi driver. 'Don't worry about me,' says Dave, 'I'm as smart as any of them sheilas, any day.' A fortnight later Dave gets off the train back home and hails the taxi. 'I want yer to take me an' the wife out to the farm" says Dave. The taxi driver looks at the woman standing on the station and couldn't help but notice that she was about six or seven months pregnant. 'Is this one 'ere yer wife?' he asks. 'Yeah,' says Dave, with a big grin on his face. 'But she's well on the way to havin' a baby.' 'That's right,' grins Dave. 'But face it, Dave. It won't be your baby?' 'Don't be silly! Course it's my baby,' protested Dave. 'How do yer make out it's your baby?' 'Well,' says Dave, 'if you buy a cow and it has a calf, the bloody calf's yours, ain't it?' She: I think my husband may be fooling around on me. He: Really? I think my wife may be too! She: Well, who cares? C'mere, Lover! (Just as they are about to get busy, the phone rings.) She: Hello. Yeah, that's fine. Bye. He: Who was that? She: It was my husband. He claimed he was at your house and wanted to stay a while and play cards! Let's get to it, Lover! (The phone rings again.) She: Hello. Oh, I think it will be a while. Bye. He: And who was THAT? She: It was your wife! She wanted to know about how long you and my husband would be here playing cards! 
ARKANSAS poetry, and translation SEVILLE DER DEGO TAUSIN BUSSES INARO NOJO DEMES TRUX SUMMIT CAUSIN SUMMIT DUX Translation See Willie, there they go A Thousand busses in a row No, Joe, those are trucks Some with cows in them, some with ducks. Mary: It was supposed to be nothing more than a good night kiss, but he tried to run his hand up under my skirt. Jill: How forward! Mary: Exactly! That's why I stopped him, and he said, "Oh, Honey! Am I the first one ever to do this to you?" Jill: Oh, please! Mary: I know! So I said, "I don't know; you haven't done anything yet, and at this rate you'll never get the chance either!" Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wenesday, June 30, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'" Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father." 
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl. A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat and then sends him to the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What can I do to stay this way?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "Uhhh... no," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, June 29, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man goes visits a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First, the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!" Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps and says, "One man having sex." Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which the patient identifies as "two woman and one man having sex." The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." The man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?" 
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads." At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway." Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at nine o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely," he says. "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell out of a building." "Oh, my," says Sophie. Turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!" 
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you." An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "She was in a hurry and sat on my face, without checking for glasses..." Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I ever fall behind in my payments, she might try to repossess me."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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