Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 22, 2009

It's finally getting warm enough to make sun tea!
For those of you who don't know how to make it, here is how.
Rinse out an empty gallon pickle jar with hot water until the glass
feels almost too hot to touch. Fill it with hot water, add 4 - 5 te bags
and a pinch of salt, put the lid on it loosely, and set it into the sun. 

After an hour fish out the tea bags, so that it doesn't get bitter. 
By then it has reached the right darkness, so that it will absorb 
even more sunlight and get hotter yet.  When it is about as dark
as you like it, put it into the shade and let it cool off.

When it is cold, put it into your ice tea jug and pour the left-over into
ice cube trays.

Enjoy
Ophelia


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Ophelia

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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee
pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
questions her, "There must be something you're doing that
you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be
doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have
sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of
other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if I'm going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.




My can opener operator is a bit weird.


What do you have when you have two little balls
in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.



Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have
a GREAT time Saturday.  I've gotten three tickets
for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said,
"They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"


A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a 
dietician. She walked into his office and asked several 
questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. 
Her final question to the dietician sparked interest in
him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?"

"Why?" he replied. She explained some of the things 
she liked to do.

After thinking a minute he said,"I really have no clue, 
but if you are consuming enough of it to make any difference,
then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"


There are three kinds of men.
~~
1.Those who learn by reading.
~~
2.Those who learn by observation.
~~
3.The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  July 21, 2009


Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

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====Thanks to Jerry for this one:

My wife's grandmother complained to her
doctor that she was afraid that her
husband was losing his "interest" in her.
"When did you first notice this?" the doctor
asked.
Gram replied, "Last night . . .
"And again this morning."






One way for a husband to learn about
do-it-yourself is to criticize his wife's housekeeping.



I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car
alarm interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays
any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected
me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of
time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him
home, I'd go out to the driveway and kick his
car."


I was talking on the phone with my son, who was 
stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force.  He was 
explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. 
"We used the buddy system," he said, "and 
occasionally dived into shark-infested waters." 

Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, 
"What do you do if you see a shark?" 

My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy." 


Spanglish, the official language of California

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom 
told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy 
the cops!

'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her seester.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

' Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was 
fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

' Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez 
your problem! Bish!

'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, 
but chicken go herself.

'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n 
bed wit my sancha pero harrasment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water 
problem is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the 
car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i 
wuz frito go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, 
pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July 
to me! Julyer!

'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my 
ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  July 20, 2009
Had a great weekend. Beautiful sunny weather. I think I passed
more bikes this weekend than I did the whole of 2009 before.
Summer definitely seems to have started!

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

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Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny
hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised
that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a
complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating
stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties
residing in the house!"




First Ticket


Denise and George went to the hospital to have their baby 
delivered.  Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that 
would remotely, through telemetry, transfer a portion of the labor pain to 
the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.  

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% 
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the 
father had ever experienced before. 

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the 
doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine 
to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was 
amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up 
fine, since this was obviously helping out Denise he encouraged the doctor to 
transfer all of the pain.  Denise delivered a healthy baby with virtually no 
pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled.  Everything was great 
until they got home 
and found mailman Ernie dead on their porch.



The Buffalo Hunter.....
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he
hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to
find the herd.

After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to
the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He
is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything. How do you
know buffalo come"?

The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."


"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the
housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent
is paid up for six months!"


A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. 
"Look at the size of his pecker," says the man. "It's massive!".

"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears".



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  July 19, 2009



Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of
heaven, getting ready to start his day.
"May the first person come." He said

"Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need,
and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."

And off the nun went.

"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."

"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I
told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go
now." he said. 
"Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man
every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man 
every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said the beautiful Girl.

"Here is a key made of copper." he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

"No, this is the key, for my apartment."




See the face?



An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They are all on different limbs... at different
levels. Some are climbing up, some are
climbing down. The monkeys on the top look
down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but a bunch of asses.


Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally
consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her
daughter fixed her up with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded
spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found 
himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first 
to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't
know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, 
I sinned twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it
again, aren't you?"


MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
Horny and/or hungry.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Satrday,  July 18, 2009

It was warm enough to drive with the top down.
I love driving in the wind, especially if I don't have to dress up
like I was an arctic explorer, just to go get some smokes or
groceries. The sun sure feels good!

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man and his wife moved back home to Texas from Louisiana . 
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Louisiana 
it cost them $2,000 per year! 
  
When they arrived in Texas , they went to an insurance agency to 
see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. 
  
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' 
  
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in 
Texas to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Louisiana ! 
  
The insurance agent  turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 
'Well, here it is on t he screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a 
sprinkler system above it is $39... 
You just have to know how to describe it!' 






 "Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot
tell
you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..." Several months
later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I
am, but yesterday I dnaced with a hula girl..." Two weeks later came
yet
another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but
yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear
and shot the hula girl..."



Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid,
"I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary." 
"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. 
"You're just saying that to make me jealous."


Frank goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist
asks, "How is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex," Frank replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD