Ophelia Dingbatter's News: And my Thermos 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  July 12, 2009

Sure saving a lot on not having to run the air conditioning so  far
this summer. Even the most hysterical AlGorian Sheep, as my
friend Dear Webby calls them, are back-pedaling. 
It's not "Global Warming" any more. The politically correct name
for the change back to 90's style weather is called "Climate Change",
and they want to blame my farting and your driving for it.

Well, the time is right. 
For taking the cake out of the oven. 

Enjoy
Ophelia

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A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you fwighten... I pwomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wann beef with bloccolli?"

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him if He's able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
All over the bed we did roam I swear from my mouth I did foam I was just fit to pop When we both had to stop.. As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
One day the traveling dildo salesman visited a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who were home. He went to the first house and showed the first wife all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually, she bought the large black one. He went to the second house, and showed his dildos to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo. He went to the third and fourth houses, and all happened as before. He went to the fifth house, and showed all of his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying, "I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what he normally charged for the large black one. When he got home that evening his wife asked him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How many dildos did you sell?" she asked. "Well," he said, "I sold four of the large black ones..... .......and my thermos."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Step on it 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  July 10, 2009

I am quite amused about all these "Tea Parties" in the US. According
to a friend, who attended one on his trip there last week, they
are sort of a senior version of our tailgate parties, but at pretty gardens
instead of the gun range or rock quarry. And instead of boosting 
the economy by using up ammo and domestic beer, they doodle
up posters and bumper stickers, and they sip imported tea, while
they comiserate and bemoan what the government is doing to them.

Somehow I don't think I am old enough for that, and will stick to
tailgate parties. If it is warm enough this afternoon.

Enjoy
Ophelia

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Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong" replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me" A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete...it's Maggie...It's gonna be a while!"

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name. The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?" He said, "Candy." The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right? Yes thats right, your honor." said Bubba The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy." He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me! She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked." He said, "It's not Bubba." She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice." He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it." She asked, "what it is?" He said, "Guess." She said, "Leroy?" He answered, "No." She said, "Johnny?" He answered, "No." She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in." He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth. "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."
A captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a long evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the Captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to a seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also crapped in your pants."
Little Johnny came home one day and announced to his father that he was going to marry Little Susy from across the street. "Marriage is a big step, are you sure you've thought this through?" "Yep," replies little Johnny. "I'm going to live at her house for one week and she'll live here for one week, so that we're always close to home." For every question that his father asked him Johnny was ready with an answer. "Well," his father says, "what about kids. Everybody who's married eventually has kids." "I've already thought that through," says Johnny. "Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: No siren 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  July 10, 2009
Well, that sure was a very brief warm-up. 
Back to March temperatures, half way between Brrr and Grrrr!

WestJet just added another 11 direct flight destination in the South,
even one to Cuba. It seems that hiring the grand daughters and
grand sons of the Delta and United stews is paying off for them. 
Enjoy
Ophelia

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A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your eminence, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you are wearing Sister Ann's slippers."

A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." She said "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"
There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming.... "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one.... ...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550."
Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks..... "Vots he goink to do?" Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!" The second cries," Bot of us !?!"
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: United breaks guitars 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 9, 2009
It finally warmed up enough today to go shopping with the top down.
On the car!
Some funnel clouds in the afternoon, but none of them touched down.

Dave Carrol from Halifax is getting even with United for breaking his guitar.
United breaks guitars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOq ... r_embedded

Enjoy
Ophelia

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Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes with a wide grin on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
A college freshman comes home after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?" "Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym." The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who is Jim?"
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea of what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. "No", she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $100 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Wouold be dead now 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

Large Font Version
Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 8, 2009
I sure miss the Global Warming we had in th early 2000's.
This newfangled politically correct "Climate Change" back to 
the way it was in the 90's is not doing anything for my tan.
It's not doing much for the lawn seed either. It just doesn't 
seem to want to sprout in the former dandylion patches 
this year. Well, at least I don't have to water the lawn.

Enjoy
Ophelia

Please vote for me at the EzineFinder
Ophelia Dingbatter Thanks for voting for me! Ophelia My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
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Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes. Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal." Dude #2: "Try putting a big potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that." Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before." Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?" "It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?" "Tell me about it," coaxed Brian. "It's your wife." replied Peter "My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't think the stem was THAT long!"
Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk. "Olga, how old are you?" Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary." Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?" Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall." "And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question. "I weigh yust about 185 pounds." "Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!!" "Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer."
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself." "That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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