Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 8, 2009
I sure miss the Global Warming we had in th early 2000's.
This newfangled politically correct "Climate Change" back to 
the way it was in the 90's is not doing anything for my tan.
It's not doing much for the lawn seed either. It just doesn't 
seem to want to sprout in the former dandylion patches 
this year. Well, at least I don't have to water the lawn.

Enjoy
Ophelia


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Ophelia

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Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress
the babes.
Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women
here, pal."
Dude #2: "Try putting a big potato down in your swim trunks.
The babes will love that."

Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that
potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm
getting shunned even worse than before."
Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the
FRONT of your trunks."





With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker
than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked,
"What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy,
I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
 


One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her 
cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you,
Johnny?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," 
explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't think the stem was THAT long!"


 Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering
questions asked by the clerk.
"Olga, how old are you?"
Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question.
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green
Bay Packers!!"
"Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer."


Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find
no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, 
"Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, 
found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." 

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."



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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  July 7, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Once, while driving around in my pickup with
my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had
a flat tire. I got out and had the donkey
stick its head under the bumper and lift the
truck.A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a
pretty clever trick. How did you teach your
donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "Its a simple matter of the breed; this
is a jack ass!"





Dr. Porter was very tired so he got his wife to answer the phone by
the bed, say he was out, and give advice, which he whispered, to her.
"Thank you very much, Mrs. Porter." said the patient who called, "but
I should like to ask you one thing.  Is that gentleman who seems to
be in bed with you fully qualified?"
 


"Hey Sally," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the
first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship
from ever developing?"

"Damned right!" replied Sally. "I count on it."


On still another diet, Sue had lost a few
pounds and a lot of her usual sunny
disposition. After making a snappish remark to
her husband, she  apologized and reminded
him that he was supposed to stick by her
through thick and thin.
"I know," he said, dryly, "but thick was a lot
easier."


As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York
where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always 
attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking
her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, 
and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on
stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, 
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-
aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and 
one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father 
Sullivan is givin' out this night, 
and me without me bloomers on!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD
made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  Juy 6, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a
dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. 

"What happened?" asked the cop.

"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, 
"when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me 
and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then. . . "

"And then what?"

"And then all heaven broke loose!"





Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his
wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the 
gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
 


A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when
he emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down
and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"


 A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a
midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never
cheat on me again!"

"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said,
"Can't you see I'm tapering off!"


The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter
whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - 
I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your 
Maw and I made to give you a good education, 
you still say 'ain't' !"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD
made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  Juy 5, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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The young bride's mother had some old-
fashioned ideas of marriage, and
passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she
advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her
brand-new husband were preparing to retire
when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever
been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now
and every night you've worn that silly hat to
bed."





From Ralph:
My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have 
killed him if we hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and 
closed the curtains."
 

A campus biggie went out for the first time with a vivacious little
baton-twirling champion of the college marching band, and he ended up
in hospital. "What happened, Bob?" inquired his visiting roommate.

Let's call it a case of overreation," groaned the patient. "After the
dance and a hamburger, we drove over and parked in Memorial Grove.
Matters proceeded nicely, and she began to give me a tantalising slow
hand job - but then some jerk in the car alongside began to whistle
the school fight song!"


A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to
discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The
husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
substitute in the eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted 
act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.

The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da 
game, you no make-a da rules!"



Every time the U.S. Cavalry major rode through the camp of the
recently subjected Indian tribe, he'd deliberately wave to the old
chief. And the latter would reply by giving him the finger, in the
usual vertical manner, and then turning his hand so that the same
digit stuck out horizontally.

After a few weeks of this, the major's curiosity got the better of
him; so he rode over after one such exchange and said, "Look, Chief,
I know what it means when you give me the finger straight up, but
what the hell does it mean when you also give it to me sideways?"

"It means," grunted the chief, "that I don't like your horse, either!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  July 4, 2009

If you are in the US, Happy Independence Day!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There was once a sheep farmer who had a
French farmhand working with him to help
castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the
sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and
was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away!
My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're
delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to
the farmer's wife who cooked them up for
supper. This went on for three days....and each
evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the
house for supper. He asked his wife where the
farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the
strangest thing! When he came in and asked
what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and
he ran off like the devil was chasing him!"





A couple was driving through the countryside in an old, beat-up
Volkswagen.


The fertile quiet of the scenery began to inspire some lascivious
thoughts, so they decided to pull over to the side of the road.

The girl quickly jumped out of the cramped car, stripped, lay spread-
eagle on the lush, green grass, and waited. 
And waited. 
And waited.

"Honey," she yelled, "if you don't get out of that Volkswagen real
quick, I won't be in the mood much longer!"

"Baby," he lamented, "If I don't get out of the mood, I won't get out
of this here Volkswagen!"
 

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally
  paused in front of the monkey island.  Mystified as to the
  whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where
  are all of the monkeys ?"

  "They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right
  in the midst of the mating season."

  "I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered
  them some of these peanuts ?"

  Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I
  know Miss.  Would *YOU*?"


Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace
house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the
room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city
center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room
from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my
job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't
have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in
the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the
fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about you're husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the
evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that's being settled, I'll go to the
studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does
not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe
me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you
can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for
the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood
behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards
the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and,
wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess
you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."



Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured
her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs,
and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", said the mother, "All good men have
hairy chests. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got
hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up
she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his
left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a
job for Mama."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD