Good Morning 
It's Friday,  July 17, 2009
With the warm weather the bikes came out of storage and are
being a nuisance, especially when a large group is shivering
along at less than the speed limit and in that childish staggered
formation, that forces people to take risks while passing their
long convoy. Somebody should tell the silly ninnies, that if a
little old lady in her Buick doesn't manage to pass the entire
convoy and needs to pull in to avoid a head-on with a school bus,
she is going to crunch your noisy lemon without a second thought.

I used to ride a bike, but I dressed warm enough so that I was 
comfortable at 19.5 over the speed limit, same as what everybody
drives on the highways and freeways here. Some cops even claimed
I was going fster than that, but I think they just wanted to flirt. 
I wouldn't speed, would I?

There are still some older bikers out there. They ride at the proper
speed, they have mufflers on their bikes and they learned to ride
in such a way, that they are not a nuisance. Three cheers for them!

Enjoy
Ophelia


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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened
a conversation by saying
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.Yes, I have, on the
odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked,
"Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be
celibate. But....
" The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to
ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"




Not so bright


If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who
are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones
and lend money to the ones who are poor.
You will never see any of them again."



The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English
class.

She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what
came into their minds when thy saw this brick.

The first kid said "I think about my dad.  He is a construction
worker."

Another said "I think about our new house."

Then the teacher thought "Why don't I ask Johnny?  After all,
what can he say about a brick that would be improper?"

So she said "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this
brick?"

Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked
chicks!"

The teacher was horrified "But why, Johnny?  Why?  This is a
brick!"

So Johnny said "Bricks don't need thinking about. I got them
figgered out. So I think about naked chicks."


Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're
here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says "What's your
name?"

The duck replies "Quack". 

The police officer then asks "And why are you here ?" 
The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." 

"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" 

The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your
name?" 
The duck replies "Quack Quack". 
The police officer then asks "And why are you here?" 
The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." 
"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00
fine!!" 

The duck agrees to pay the fine. 
The police officer goes up to the third duck and says 
"And your name must be Quack Quack Quack." 

The duck replies "No, Officer. It's Bubbles."



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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 16, 2009
Nice and warm today! And some of the lawn seeds I had sprinkled 
into the former dandylion patches in April started to produce tender
green hairs. We might get summer yet!

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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 Little Johnny and his little sister are reading the book "Life of
Animals". Suddenly, they jump from the coach and run to their
grandmother. "Grandma, grandma, can you have children?" they
asked. "Oh my dear, of course not." She replied. Johnny turns to
his little sister and says triumphantly, "I told you she is a male!!!"







The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the
papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the
old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar,
how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my
man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to screw 'em!"


Things were really getting hot, and they were not
paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their  window.

The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be
having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them
next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her
boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."


Three truck drivers die and got to meet God for admittance.
God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books,
taken drugs, or cheated on his wife.
He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a
good man.
God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor.

God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book,
taken drugs, or cheated on his wife.
He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing"
God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X.

God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log
book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife.
He explained that as much as he regretted it he had falsified his log
book, and taken some little white pills to drive a second shift,
because there was the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that 
he had ever seen.

At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell
through a hole that opened under them.

The third driver, startled, asked what happens now?
God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are
going to Dallas.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 15, 2009
Fair to middling November weather today.
If I remember right, last time we were in this part of the climate
cycle, we had a real scorcher August. That's when I got my
first air conditioner. Guess I better dust it off and get the
spider webs and dust bunnies out of it.

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

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Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and
secured one as a used car salesman.
He had no experience in this field but he
figured he could use the old sales pitch that
the car was *like brand-new* and had only
been driven by a little old lady on Sundays.
He tried that approach on every prospective
buyer but none seemed to believe him and no
sales were made that day.

His boss was furious and threatened to fire
Bill if he didn't sell any cars the following
day. The following day he decided to change
his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three
cars. The manager of the used car dealership
called him over and asked what he had
done to bring about all these sales.

Bill grinned, "Well they didn't believe my
little old lady story, so I told them that the car
had previously been owned by your daughter
who only used the backseat."






The fellow had recently succumbed to
promotions for satellite TV, which
advertised non-stop sport day and night. It
was to be expected, however, that his wife
did not share his enthusiasm.
One evening she could take it no longer and
confronted her husband:
"It's like this every day," said she. "It's true--
you love your silly football games more than
you love me."
Such a cosmic question was new to the man,
and several moments' reflection was in order.
Apparently his last words were:
"Why, yes, I do," said he. "But I can sincerely
say," he continued thoughtfully, "that I love
you more than baseball ..."



A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly in a bar and
spent the rest of the time persuading him to come work for him 
as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the
general said. "Nothing to it, you'll catch on again fast." 

The next day, promptly at eight o'clock, the orderly entered the 
general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a 
gentle shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked 
his employer's wife on her bottom and said, 
"OK, sweetie, it's back to the village for you."


 The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying
cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip at the
gas station. 

"Doc. Wilson, How is the Smith baby?" 

"Well, the child was born without a penis." the doctor said. 

"Oh, my goodness!" said the gossip and with a smile on her face, 
she turned to head into town to spread the news. 

After she was out of earshot, the doc remarked to the gas
station attendant "But, she'll have a damn nice place to put one 
in about 18 years!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  July 14, 2009

Had a lively and rambunctious thunderstorm today with waterfall
style rain. Naturally, I went out onto the deck to enjoy it. 
The deck has a roof like a car port. It reminded me of sneaking
behind a waterfall as a kid. 

Then after a particularly noisy thunder clap, the waterfall suddenly
turned horizontal and I felt like that time at a wet t-shoirt contest, 
when three guys each heaved a bucket of water at me all at the 
same time. 

It was funny just thinking how silly and bedraggled I looked.
Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating for long.
After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves
would strike the right romantic note, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the
wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and
mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to
remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled, I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before
I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Jimmie






Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the
garden, her fairy Godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but
only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees and asks, "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at
5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and *very*
satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago."

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his
name."

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or 
other...."



A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out
and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom entered their hotel
room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his
new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek
while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase
and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"


We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
Here's the means to achieving 103% Here's a little math that might
prove helpful in the future! what makes life 100% ??

IF,
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
THEN,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % ONLY

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % ONLY

BUT,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

HOWEVER,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  July 13, 2009

My bitching about the weather seems to have helped. Yeterday we
had almost seasonal temperatures and I was able to have both
lunch and supper out on the deck.

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken
breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At
the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a
few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she
complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays
and have them ready for you by the time you finish
shopping."

Several aisles later, the butcher's voice boomed over the
public-address system:
"Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet
me at the back of the store."


Candadian Camping Alarm Clock




Camping Hints
-------------
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your
picnic table will keep the campsites on either side
vacant.


Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by
kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.


A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your
feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but
the cheese sticks between your toes.


The best backpacks are named for national parks or
mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for
landfills.


Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable
campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that
sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven
to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.


Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the
match.


You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always
grows on the north side of your compass.


You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll
by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several
geese.


When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It
gives you something to wipe your nose on.


A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.


A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an
excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three
hours makes an excellent hockey puck.


In emergency situations, you can survive in the
wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot
made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.


The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.


The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for
generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does
absolutely nothing for the eagle.


If you see 100 Winnebagos pull into your camp site, it is
easier to turn the road signs around than to pass them
all on the next day.


Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in
grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on
the bears.


While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years,
the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.
Its huge single blade functions as a canoe paddle.


If you use the Digital Officer model, beware that it
shows altitude and temperatue in metric.



Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his
Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very
bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you
find a solution, please advise. I have the same
problem with his Father."


We have women in the military, but they don't
put us in the front lines. They don't know if we
can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the
women and say, "You see the enemy over
there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD