Monday, June 25, 2012, 04:24 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 25
It cleared up Sunday late afternoon and with the hot sun
and a good wind, the lawn dried enough for cutting.
No need for a scythe.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that
automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's
screen.
Authorities intend to track down the hackers responsible for
the virus just as soon as somebody complains.
Barbara Walters of ABC did a story on gender roles in Kabul several
years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands, but now seem to walk even *further* back and are now
happy with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked. "But why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman
Click through the picture for full size
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the
doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he
discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy
known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical
school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and
soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This
helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the
bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately
gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I
took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "your wife said to
tell you to pick up the drycleaning on the way home."
Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
---Tiger Woods
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
--- Bill Clinton
The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the
friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old
man say when you told him you were pregnant?"
"You want me to leave out the profanities?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Absolutely nothing."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Beer-Marinated Steaks
Ingredients:
1/2 of a 12-ounce can (3/4 cup) beer
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chili sauce
1/4 cup parsley
3 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce (optional, but nice)
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon regular black pepper
3 beef steaks, cut 1 inch thick (about 1 pound each),
or 6 beef top loin steaks, cut 1 inch thick (about 1-3/4 pounds total)
1 to 1-1/2 teaspoons cracked black pepper
herbs (optional)
Directions
In a large glass flat, high sided dish combine onion,
beer, chili sauce, parsley, mustard, Worcestershire
sauce, brown sugar, paprika, and the 1/2 teaspoon
pepper. Place steaks in marinade. Cover and refrigerate
4 to 6 hours or overnight, turning steaks over now and then.
Remove steaks from marinade; discard marinade.
Sprinkle both sides of steaks with the cracked black pepper,
if you like.
Grill steaks on an uncovered grill directly over medium-hot
coals for 5 minutes. Turn and grill to desired doneness,
allowing 7 to 10 minutes more for medium (160 degrees F)
doneness. If you wish, now is when you use herbs.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
We sure BBQ steaks a lot quicker here in Alberta!
932
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Sunday, June 24, 2012, 03:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 24
No lawn mowing this weekend.
It has been raining steadily since Friday afternoon,
and looks like it will continue for a while.
Next weekend might be dry.
It is just a very fine rain, just the way the grain farmers
like it. Since it is warm enough, everything grows like cray,
especially my little lawn. By the time it is dry enough,
I might have to trim it down first with a scythe.
I think I still remember how to do that. Finding a scythe
might be a challenge!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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>From Bill in Florida
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my
own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even
though there was no cross traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting
anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag
duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11"
slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and
took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing
it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as
a truck driver.
Peter and Judi had been married for ten years and decided
to try to have kids. They'd not been using birth control since they
married so they thought there might be a problem conceiving.
Judi was a little hard of hearing and had been since she was a
child. The gynecologist wasn't award of that when he gave her
the results of her check-up.
"I'm sorry, Judi, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient
passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
Judi went home crying. She was still crying when Peter
got home a few hours late. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Peter
asked.
Judi bawled, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my
passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel!"
"Hmmm," Peter mused, "that would explain the smell..."
Click through the picture for full size
Lifetime Contract
Two little old ladies from Kittery, Maine were chatting over the
back fence.
One said to the other, "When I go to Boston I always get
scrod."
The other little lady replied, "Well so do I,
but I never knew the plural of the word before."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The
only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she
would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her
sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told
him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts
out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you
were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for
nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the
Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that
didn't stop him from treatin' Slash special from time to
time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair,
the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he
would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like
the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf
for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was
short).
Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down
and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf.
The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to
visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?"
Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow."
The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all
know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair."
"Don't matter," said Slash, "if this meatloaf can't kill me,
nothin' can."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Zucchini Chocolate Cupcakes
Ingredients:
1-1/4 cups butter, softened
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (or whole wheat pastry flour)
3/4 cup baking cocoa
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1 cup grated zucchini
1 cup grated carrots
1 can (16 ounces) chocolate frosting
Directions
In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
Stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking cocoa, baking powder,
baking soda and salt; add to the creamed mixture alternately
with yogurt, beating well after each addition. Fold in zucchini
and carrots.
Fill paper lined muffin cups two-thirds full. Bake at 350 F for
18 to 22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center
comes out clean.
Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks
to cool completely.
Frost cupcakes.
Makes about 20 cupcakes,.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Friday, June 22, 2012, 04:27 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, June 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Welcome Michel!
The first person in a long time to be smart enough
to come in out of the rain!
If you use your wife's or your hubby's PayPal to subscribe,
don't be surprised if the subscription goes to THEIR address!
You have to tell me, what address it goes to, if it is a
different one from the PayPal address.
The same goes, if you have a PayPal account with an old
Yahoo address, that still works for short PayPal notices,
but routinely trashes any and all subscriptions, and have
all your subscriptions go to your Gmail address.
You have to tell me what address you want the
subscription to go to!
By the way, there won't be a Saturday issue. DearWebby,
who sends out my newsletter, has to go for injections into
his eyeballs, and won't be able to see well enough. Sunday's
issue should get out at near the regular time.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's
recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do
you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married
and taper off gradually."
While listening to an oldies radio station, a seven-year-old
evidently got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century.
Instead of singing along, "Goin' to the chapel/ And we're
gonna get married," I heard him sing, "Goin' to the chat
room/ And we're gonna get married."
Click through the picture for full size
I don't know how official that is, but they say "please".
So, since it is warm enough, ....
Dad and my mother had exchanged numerous phone calls all
day to arrange for the arrival of family members from far
away. Their plan finally set, Dad made his way to a board
meeting.
Meanwhile, Mom had come up with a better plan. She called
my dad at work and insisted that his secretary deliver the
message to him immediately.
The secretary entered the boardroom and announced,
"Excuse me, Mr.Harbert, but your wife just called with
an urgent message. She said to tell you that she's
figured out a new way to do it."
These three English guys are out drinking one night and
decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from
pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they
come across a single Irishman in this one bar.
"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over
toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shift lifter."
"Really?" Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in,
"Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."
"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.
"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman,
staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know
St Patrick was really an Englishman?"
The Irish guy casually looks up and says,
"Yeah, so your mates were telling me."
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it
that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her
chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?"
asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a
checkup. As she takes off her clothes, he notices a
green "M" on her belly. "Do you have a friend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a boyfriend at Wisconsin.
Why do you ask?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM STYLE Spaghetti Carbonara
Ingredients:
1 pound spaghetti noodles
4 tablespoons soft butter
4 TBSP bacon bits
1 TBSP hot garlic and pepper flakes
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp Italian pepper
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp basil
4 eggs
4 TBSP parmesan cheese
1 tsp dried parsley flakes
Directions
Boil spaghetti, when soft (al dente), drain. Don't rinse!
Put the spaghetti into a very hot pyrex or ceramic
casserole.
Drop in butter, bacon-bits, spices and stir gently until
the butter is melted.
Beat the eggs and the parmesan till frothy
pour over the spaghetti and stir it in.
Put the casserole into a hot oven for 5 - 10 minutes
until the eggs are set.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Thursday, June 21, 2012, 03:27 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 21
Thank you, Francis!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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>From Nan
There was a bit of confusion at the grocery this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said,
"Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about
Homeland Security running amok, I did just as he had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that he was referring to my debit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors
a little clearer!
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch,
"You've got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush
in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please, please,... Break my arms!"
Click through the picture for full size
If you step over that line, Cat, there is going to be trouble!
At the retreat, Judy and John were told to individually
write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love."
Judy wrote, "When two mature people are passionately and deeply
in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect
each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and
morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical
sex with one another."
John wrote, "I love sex."
Cindy asked Monika, "What happened to your last boyfriend?"
Monika shrugged. "You know how men are supposed to be,
like, 'hunters' and we women are supposed to be, like, 'gatherers'?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, he couldn't hunt enough money to keep up with my
gathering."
One guy was explaining to his friend how the life often
compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might
have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of
taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed
that if a woman has one smaller breast,
the other one is always just that little bit larger."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Spaghetti Carbonara
Ingredients:
1 pound spaghetti noodles
4 tablespoons soft butter
1 pound bacon (or 1 pound ham), diced
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes (or 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper)
3 garlic cloves, minced
4 eggs, beaten
1 cup parmesan cheese, grated (or 1/2 cup dried Parmesan in a can)
1/4 to 1/2 cup half & half (or 1/4 to 1/2 cup cream
2 tablespoons parsley (or 1/2 teaspoon dried parsley flakes)
Directions
Add spaghetti to boiling water; when soft (al dente), drain & rinse.
Drop in butter, stir, keep warm & set aside.
While spaghetti is cooking, fry bacon just until lightly crisped;
remove from pan and cut or crumble to bite-size pieces and
reserve 2 to 3 teaspoons of the fat.
To the heated fat in frying pan, add pepper flakes (or the cayenne)
and garlic; stir for 30 seconds; remove from heat.
Break eggs into medium bowl, with an egg beater beat until frothy,
then stir in Parmesan cheese; set aside.
Add half-n-half to frying pan, stirring up fond and thickening slightly.
Dump spaghetti into large serving bowl, then add meat mixture
and toss well; then cheese mixture, toss well.
Sprinkle on the parsley.
Serve with additional Parmesan Cheese
(or use dried the dried Parmesan in a can)
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 03:37 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 20
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Thanks to Sue for this story:
Two medical students were walking along the street when
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has
Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned
in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but
notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki
Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said:
"I thought it was a fart........... but I was wrong."
Two men were talking. One said "I'd love to be casseroled by
that cutie over there!"
"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking
term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."
The first man grinned. "Exactly." he replied.
Click through the picture for full size
Come here, Puppy!
A medical student just finished her last semester and was
heading out to apply to a hospital. The director of the
hospital thought the woman was very bright and had
a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask
her a few questions just to quiz her.
"Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified.
But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?"
"Of course," said the woman.
"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?"
asked the director.
"That's easy," the woman said, "A tonsillectomy."
"Very good. Ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?"
the director continued.
"I believe that is an appendectomy," the woman said confidently.
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?"
the director asked.
Now the woman was very intelligent and she had learned
every medical term known to man, but for some reason she
could not remember what a sex change operation
was called. She sat staring at the wall for some time
before the director began to get anxious.
"Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said,
"Of course, that would be addadictome."
>From Ken
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters
for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display
near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were
oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for
his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar
with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles,
whichever comes first."
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than
a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my
sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and
my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end
up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's
why I want the divorce." he replied.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM style Filling for Crepes
Ingredients:
1 small whipping cream pack
1 TBSP white sugar
1 Royal Gala apple
1 TBSP brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp lemon juice
Directions
Chill a Liter or quart size yoghurt container
and whippiung cream to near freezing
Beat whipping cream until peaks form
Add white sugar and continue beating until
it gets quite firm. With real whipping cream,
if it and the container is near freezing, a hand crank
mixer works quite well.
Grate or shred the apple,
mix with brown sugar, cinnamon and lemon juice
Spread the mix over fresh crepes and roll them up
Put the roll-ups on one side of serving plates,
and a pile of whipped cream on the other side,
not touching, so that the whipped cream does
not melt and make the roll-ups soggy.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
917
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