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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 26

At the end of this month most of you will have to make a 
decision. All those, who have not sent any donation this year,
will get a choice: 
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If it is, save up a dollar by the first of July.
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subscribe, my ISP gets paid and I can stay on-line. 

Until July I am just testing the button, that Dear Webby
made me. (My own credit rating is not good enough for
PayPal just yet) 

Anybody, who subscribes before July 1 will get double.
$1 will get you TWO months
$10 will get you TWO years.

I hope you go for the annual subscriptions, because PayPal
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That leaves me 72 cents from a dollar,
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Thanks!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries

 

A very young couple had just gotten married and decided to
spend their honeymoon in a large hotel. Showing signs of 
nervousness the young man approached the check-in desk.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk,
favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."



A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. 
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when 
they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes 
and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided 
to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." 

As they were crossing an open area, who should come
along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their 
clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their 
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for 
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back 
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered 
his face rather than his privates. 

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize." 



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A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a
tiny necklace cell phone for women.

Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear
it around your neck - it hangs down right here to a
woman's cleavage.

The only problem women have with it; when it rings,
every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'






Click through for the big version

 



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, "You should do
it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait
as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."  Husband replies, " I can't
believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS"


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter




A woman is in her doctor's office getting undressed for an 
examination. She turns to a naked blonde woman sitting next 
to her and says, "I told the doctor that my ears are 
ringing and he told me to strip. Does that seem a little 
suspicious to you?" 

"Hey, don't ask me," the naked blonde replies. "I'm only 
here to fix the fax machine."



Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been
developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle.
It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts.

If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles.

  


	The Train Ride


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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 25

The lawyers in New York are celebrating. 
Legislation to legalize same-sex marriage in New York cleared the 
last major hurdle with a 33-to-29 vote in the state Senate, 
sending the bill to the governor's desk for his expected 
approval. 

Lawyers know that marriages are the prime cause of divorces,
and that with same sex marriages, divorces are even more
frequent. 

The previous lack of legal marriages for same sex couples 
has not stopped any of them from living together, but legal
marriages will probably not make their liasons last longer.
Paper on the wall is no substitute for constant effort,
no matter what sexual orientation is involved.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his 
trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said. 

A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and 
said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body." 

The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation." 

And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt, 
and added, "In about an hour or so."



A New York businessman, while he is on a business trip to 
Myrtle Beach, SC, sends an email to his wife:  
"I wish you were here." 
He accidentally left off the last "e".

The next morning his wife, her mother and his mother arrived,
before he even got to flirt at the breakfast waitress.



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FEMALE GOLFING TERMS

CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. 
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." 
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. 
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. 
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. 
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. 
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. 
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." 
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. 
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip. 
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight





Click through for the big version

Jake playing Catch-A-Purse again!

 



Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally
consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter
fixed her up with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know
how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned
twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again,
aren't you?"



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my
connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical
problems.

Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I
mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said.
Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by
turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned
over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about
the engines."

  


	Foraging 4 Fruits


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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 24
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

The students came back to inspect their mushroom crop, and
promised to mow the lawn after harvesting the current batch
of mushrooms tomorrow. 

Dear Webby used to be a hippie in the early 70's, so I asked
him what those mushrooms do. He told me they accomplish 
about the same as a good shot of Nitro Glycerin under the 
tongue plus running up a flight of stairs. Same dizzy
lightheadedness and psychodelic distrortion of vision, but
if it is done in a party spirit, some people can attribute
all kinds of spiritual attributes to it. 

So THAT is why mom carries Nitro Glicerin in her purse,
and hangs on to the railing of the deck, smiling at the 
horizon, after coming up the stairs when she comes visiting! 
Good for her!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	



Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker
than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked,
"What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said 
"Well, buddy boy, I think she's cheating on us!"



 The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." 

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your 
Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"



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A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to
buy a bra for his wife.

The Clerk said, "Here are several styles to
choose from, sir."

Drunk: "This one will do the job!"

Clerk: "Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?"

Drunk: "7-1/2

Clerk: "I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a
standard listing of manufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from
those."

Drunk: "7-1/2."

Clerk: "There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer
to help."

Drunk: "Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!"

Clerk: "But, sir--"

Drunk: "7-1/2, Goddammit!!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps you can tell me how you measured?
What did you use?"

Drunk: "My hat!"





Click through for the big version

Hold my beer for a minute.

 



An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so 
she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them 
mounted?' asked the taxidermist. 

To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just 
fine.'


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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



The attractive young woman was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about
me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" 

"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. 

"You're the first one," she gulped. 

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.

"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

  


	Garlic

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 23

The mushrooms must have been magic. The students came back
and checked the lawn again, and offered to water it. No thanks, 
not on MY already outrageous water bill! 
Half an hour later they showed up again, each carrying a couple
of buckets filled with water. Those mushrooms must have been
quite magic!

Tomorrow I'll tell them that the mushrooms don't grow if the grass
has not been mowed for too long and is getting too high.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his 
brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my 
wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

His brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. 
Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore and asked his brother, 
"You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding one."



A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at
a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini dress. 
Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a
drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come
sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful
conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you
seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you
that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars
for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but,
since you were so straight forward I must tell you
that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick,
punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain
destroy the place."

"Oh my God!  How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he
replied.



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A man was going on a business trip and thought he would buy 
his wife a vibrator, or toy, so she wouldn't miss him too 
much. He went to a shop and looked up and down the aisles, 
but couldn't find anything good. 

So, he went up to the clerk at the counter and explained 
his problem to him. The clerk took out a box covered with 
erotic symbols and words. He then opened the box and told 
the man how to use the 'cyber toy' that lay inside the box.
 
"To use the cyber toy," the clerk said, "all you have to do 
is say cyber toy go to.....then say where you want the toy 
to go. For example, cyber toy go to my crotch," and the 
cyber toy went straight to the clerk's crotch. "Cyber toy 
go back to the box," and the toy went back into the box. 

"I'll take it," the man said. When he got home, he gave it 
to his wife, explained how to use it, and caught a taxi to 
the airport. 

His wife started playing with the cyber toy. When she wanted 
to take it out, she started to pull it, but it wouldn't come 
out. Deciding she had better go to the hospital, she got in 
the car and started down the road, but was swerving since 
the cyber toy wouldn't stop. 

A cop pulled her over and asked, "How much have you had to 
drink?" The woman explained to the cop that it was the cyber 
toy that was causing her to swerve. 

"Cyber toy my ass!" growled the cop.





Click through for the big version

 



Moshe was crossing the street in Miami when he was hit by a bus 
and knocked unconscious. A Catholic Priest arrived about the same 
time the paramedics got there. Not knowing his religion, the Priest 
administered last rites, following which Moshe's eyes fluttered and 
he was fully awake.

The Priest told him about the last rites.

Moshe said, "Well, a little change doesn't hurt".

He couldn't wait to get home to tell his family about his experience.

When he got there he said to his wife, "Sadie, you won't believe 
what happened to your husband today."

She said, "Moshe, I don't have time. I am late for a Hadassah 
meeting. Your T.V. dinner is in the oven. See you later."

Moshe then went to his daughter's room and said, "Darling, you 
should hear what happened to your Father today."

She said, "Daddy, I am on the phone with a friend planning a 
wedding shower. Please close the door."

Moshe then went to look for his son who was just backing the car 
out of the driveway.

"Son, let me tell you what happened today.

The son said, "Dad, I am late for a date. I need the car and $100."

So Moshe went back in the house, shook his head and said. "Here 
I am, a gentile for only two hours and already I hate three Jews."


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman
are playing golf with their wives today.

This scene takes place on the first tee.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and
as she bends over to place her ball a gust of
wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear

"Bloody hell!  Why aren't you wearing any
knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford to buy any" she replies.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some
underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her
ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that
she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman!  You've no knickers - why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on what little money
you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake
of decency, here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself
some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind
also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she
too is naked under it.

"Hoo, lassie!  Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough house-
keeping money to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a comb.
Tidy yourself up a bit!"

  


	Corbett Car Part Art

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 22

The longest day of the year was beautiful, but it always makes
me a bit sad. Now the days are getting shorter again, and
I haven't really done anything interesting outdoors yet 
this year. Luckily July an August are usually pretty good 
weather. 

June was so wet, that I spotted some mushrooms in the lawn.
They were not big Amanitas, just small, brown ones, about 
an inch and a half in diameter. So I asked some students, 
who go by here, if they were magic mushrooms. They had 
them all gathered up in minutes, just in case they were, 
and some of them even snuck onto my neighbor's lawn.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is
perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."



The menu at this breakfast eatery in California has included a 
scrumptious selection of quiches for over 10 years. Their recipe 
calls for four fresh eggs for each quiche.

A County Health Department inspector paid a visit recently
and pointed out that research by the Food and Drug
Administration indicates that one in four eggs carries
salmonella bacterium, so restaurants should never use more
than three eggs when preparing quiche.

The manager on duty wondered aloud if simply throwing out
three eggs from each dozen and using the remaining nine in
four-egg-quiches would serve the same purpose.

The inspector wasn't sure, but she said she would research it.



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Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch 
to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife 
Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at 
the interloper, "What right have you got to be messing 
with my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that 
I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. 
I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good
sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me?
If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you
must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more
interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?"





Click through for the big version

 



A young dating couple were driving down the road
in a very busy area, when things started to get
somewhat passionate.

So they decided to pull over and park and have
some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not
paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their
window.
    
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be
having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said
yes and apologized. 

"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you
a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them
next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her
boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
   
Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



An elderly spinster called the police one day to report that 
her neighbour was exposing himself. "Oh dear," she 
continued, "there he is as bold as can be taking a shower 
with his window shades up." 

A squad car arrived immediately with hopes of catching the 
culprit in the act. The spinster showed the policeman into 
her bedroom and pointed out the window, "See what I mean, 
officer?" 

Scratching his head, the officer said, "Ma'am, the only 
thing I see is the top of his head above his window sill." 

"Well, you silly fool, you have to get up on that dresser 
over there!" she exclaimed.

  


	Sidewalk Chalk