|     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 17
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank all of you for your response!
I was very surprised at how many of you took the time to hit 
REPLY and give me a few words. 
The usual rule about "Don't expect more than one in a Thousand
to respond" obviously only aplies to dumb audiences, not at all to 
smart people like you.

Now, naturally, I can't count the ones, whose spouse forbid them 
to reply, and this summary is only about those, who did reply.

Amongst the responders, all read my top comments.
Mr Bill, I counted your remark: "Nah, I don't read, I just drool."
as a yes. And thanks for the compliment '-)

There was a fairly common thread, 
that I am a bit too right wing, 
that I should lay off bitching about the sheikh, not because 
anybody disagrees, but because the lesson has been 
learned and there is no point beating a dead horse.

Some mentioned that they totally disagree with my
viewpoint, but that there would be no need to read what I
write, if I just parrot their own viewpoint. 

Like me, quite a few are confused and upset about our
governments sending fighter jets and missiles to Libya, and
bombing stuff like the postal vehicle depot and Burger King 
in Tripolis, hundreds of miles away from where Government 
loyalists are getting shelled by NATO and NATO equipped 
rebels. 

Even if NATO has decided that Libya has been peaceful
too long and needs to be split and turned into a permanent
ammo customer, what is the point in bombing residential
targets in downtown Tripolis? I sure would get upset if they
bombed the postal vehicle depot and Burger King here, 
just because some foreigners have a beef with the Government!

I guess that is why they don't ask me. I would tell them to
spend their Billions on local flood control and not worry 
about bombing some far away camel jockeys.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	



Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the
beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?" 

The birch says he cannot tell. 

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 
"Wood- pecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a 
beech or a son of a birch?" 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."



Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class.? Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny,
that's a mouthful." 

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking
of a blowjob." 



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!


(They will receive a confirmation request)



Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.


"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da
past-a two years? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a
inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach,
anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da 
beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a 
yellin'."





Click through for the big version

 



MEN AND BOYS.....


Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the 
road. 
Boys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. 
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. 
Boys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. 
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes 
with laces. 
Boys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned 
since high school. 
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. 
Boys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. 
Men: balance their checkbooks. 
Boys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the 
same buddy twice in a row. 
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, 
driving, and paying for dinner. 
Boys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, 
drive, and pay for dinner. 
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. 
Boys: are afraid of becoming men. 
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. 
Boys: pretend you're not there when their moms call. 
Men: start their own businesses. 
Boys: quit their jobs. 
Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones. 
Boys: are experts on their own erogenous zone. 
Men: order wine based on more than the price. 
Boys: often bring their own beer.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork.

"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single
man and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green"

He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go
in peace.

The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned.
It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had
sex twenty times with Fanny Green"

The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go
in peace

But the next parishioner comes to confess
"Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my
last confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny
Green"

The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and
sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It
is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul.
But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.

Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the
service.

Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst
open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has
never seen, walk into the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes,
green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green
feather.

This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew
where she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all
the time her legs slightlyapart,  just like that sinful hussy Bess
Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy.

The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too

He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of 
whom he has heard in confession.

"Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?"

"Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

  


	Denali

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 16

Does anybody ever read my comments here at the top?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. 
Please take off all your clothes."

Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test 
results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just 
yesterday."

Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."



Three weeks after her wedding day, Judi called 
her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Bob and 
I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's 
not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has 
to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Judi. "But what am I going 
to do with the BODY?"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a 
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man 
from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd 
have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just 
tell my wife."





Click through for the big version

 



An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold a new car
to Jill, who had previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his
success, he asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, what
had finally made her choose his car.    

"Well," Jill said, "I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to 
all of them. They all agreed on one thing - that your car has the 
fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market.
That was good enough for me."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch 
of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get 
on my back with my legs in the air for the next three days". 

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

  


	Black and White Store

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 15

It's turning into a nice summer!
Yeehaw!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks 
around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the 
salesman, "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a 
carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smells awfully 
bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the 
books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she 
is not driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second 
gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph 
does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to 
accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th  at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying 
to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a 
green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, 
to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come 
down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of 
the engine increases.

100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops 
inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she asks.

SMELL IT?  I'M SITTING IN IT



A dad realizes his boy has swallowed a quarter and starts panicking, 
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking 
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the 
market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the 
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the 
saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then 
she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the 
market. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's 
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more 
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up 
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks 
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as 
he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the 
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've 
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. 
Are you a doctor?" 

"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Did you hear about the two old maids who went for a little
tramp in the woods,

and came back with big smiles ?

Seems he didn't get away in time.





Click through for the big version

 



A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know,
I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late
in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know
if I can still mow the lawn."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 
Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary, she was 
puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the 
headdresses.
So she asked a brave why he had only one feather in his headdress and 
his reply was, "Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. 
This  
brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied, "Me have two 
women -- two women, two feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual 
partners 
involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 
headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. 
Walters.
She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your 
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep 
with 
'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em all!"
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like 
snake."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me 
sleep with 'em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh, dear."
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

  


	Growing things


Extra Picture

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 13

The rebellion in Syria is getting bloodier every day, and turning
religious, not just a class division. The government and upper
class are the equivalent of Protestants, while the farmers and
laborers are Sunnis, the equivalent of Catholics.

Saudi Arabia is Sunni dominated, Iran is Shiite. They don't 
really want to attack each other directly, but they sure don't
seem to mind hostilities on somebody else's turf.

In the meantime, over 10,000 Syrians have already used the 
occasion to seek political asylum in other countries.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She is laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white
dress and brought to the hospital corridor. Before they
enter the room, she leaves the young girl behind the
operating theatre door and goes in to see if everything is
ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet
away, and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and
talks to another man wearing a white coat. The second man
comes over and performs the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, the
lady grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the
operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and says, "I
have no idea. We' ll bet painting the corridor when they move 
your torlley out of the way."



One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and
said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and
said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make
love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what
is a headache?"

And THAT is why they gotkicked out of the garden of Eden.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner
to find little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights
out of a bunch of ants.

The kid is saying to himself, "I hate these fucking ants...
I hate these damn ants..."

The priest is taken aback by the little boy's language and
talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk.

"Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me
three things that God created that are worthless, then I
will let you continue killing the ants."

The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and
comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest
reminds him of the agreement they had made, reminding the
boy that he agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could
name three worthless things that God created.

Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do
know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a
prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the
third are these damn ants!"





Click through for the big version

And they whine at me about my ol GMC pick-up!

 



The preacher rose with a red face.  "Someone in this congregation has spread
a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.  This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this.  Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood.  Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will
feel glory.  Now stand and confess your trangression."

Again all was quiet.  Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that
would not stop rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke.  "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.  I
just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Little Johnny, Little Johnny's little brother and their parents were sitting
down to supper one evening when Little Johnny's little brother, with a
confused look on his face, asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

Little Johnny's father said, "Because mommy is my honey."

Little Johnny's little brother still looked confused so Little Johnny said,
"It's easy, she's his honey, because he spreads her and eats her!"
  


	Demotivational Stuff

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 13

It's finally warming up and I was even tempted to turn the 
air conditioning on. Howeer, since it was time to wash the 
floors, and doing that with all windows open, also cools down
the trailer, I did that, and afterward sat on the outside steps
in the shade. I do like early summer!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

When Emma's parents threatened to forbid her to see her
boyfriend unless she told them why he'd been there so late
the night before, she began to talk.

"Well, I took him into the loving room, and..."

"That's LIVING room, dear," her mother said.

"NOW you tell me!" came the answer.



Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other
and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men
think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that will certainly revolutionize the
game of hockey!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and quiet." 

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." 

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start 
and I have to jump on while it's still going."





Click through for the big version

 



Roger had set a double date for himself and his
friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me
tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy.

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on
looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is
pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she
shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head
over heels anytime."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



From Hank:
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had.  You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. 

She then asked, "What do you do about it?" 

We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then said,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" 

We said no way! 

She then stated, "You mean a man's penis will go down 
without having an orgasm?" 

We both said yes. 

At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
  


	Demovitivational Stuff