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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 16

Does anybody ever read my comments here at the top?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. 
Please take off all your clothes."

Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test 
results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just 
yesterday."

Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."



Three weeks after her wedding day, Judi called 
her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Bob and 
I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's 
not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has 
to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Judi. "But what am I going 
to do with the BODY?"



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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a 
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man 
from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd 
have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just 
tell my wife."





Click through for the big version

 



An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold a new car
to Jill, who had previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his
success, he asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, what
had finally made her choose his car.    

"Well," Jill said, "I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to 
all of them. They all agreed on one thing - that your car has the 
fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market.
That was good enough for me."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch 
of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get 
on my back with my legs in the air for the next three days". 

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

  


	Black and White Store

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 15

It's turning into a nice summer!
Yeehaw!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks 
around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the 
salesman, "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a 
carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smells awfully 
bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the 
books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she 
is not driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second 
gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph 
does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to 
accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th  at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying 
to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a 
green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, 
to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come 
down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of 
the engine increases.

100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops 
inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she asks.

SMELL IT?  I'M SITTING IN IT



A dad realizes his boy has swallowed a quarter and starts panicking, 
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking 
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the 
market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the 
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the 
saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then 
she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the 
market. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's 
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more 
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up 
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks 
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as 
he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the 
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've 
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. 
Are you a doctor?" 

"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."



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Did you hear about the two old maids who went for a little
tramp in the woods,

and came back with big smiles ?

Seems he didn't get away in time.





Click through for the big version

 



A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know,
I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late
in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know
if I can still mow the lawn."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 
Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary, she was 
puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the 
headdresses.
So she asked a brave why he had only one feather in his headdress and 
his reply was, "Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. 
This  
brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied, "Me have two 
women -- two women, two feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual 
partners 
involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 
headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. 
Walters.
She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your 
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep 
with 
'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em all!"
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like 
snake."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me 
sleep with 'em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh, dear."
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

  


	Growing things


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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 13

The rebellion in Syria is getting bloodier every day, and turning
religious, not just a class division. The government and upper
class are the equivalent of Protestants, while the farmers and
laborers are Sunnis, the equivalent of Catholics.

Saudi Arabia is Sunni dominated, Iran is Shiite. They don't 
really want to attack each other directly, but they sure don't
seem to mind hostilities on somebody else's turf.

In the meantime, over 10,000 Syrians have already used the 
occasion to seek political asylum in other countries.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She is laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white
dress and brought to the hospital corridor. Before they
enter the room, she leaves the young girl behind the
operating theatre door and goes in to see if everything is
ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet
away, and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and
talks to another man wearing a white coat. The second man
comes over and performs the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, the
lady grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the
operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and says, "I
have no idea. We' ll bet painting the corridor when they move 
your torlley out of the way."



One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and
said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and
said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make
love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what
is a headache?"

And THAT is why they gotkicked out of the garden of Eden.



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A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner
to find little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights
out of a bunch of ants.

The kid is saying to himself, "I hate these fucking ants...
I hate these damn ants..."

The priest is taken aback by the little boy's language and
talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk.

"Tomorrow I will be coming by again, and if you can tell me
three things that God created that are worthless, then I
will let you continue killing the ants."

The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and
comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest
reminds him of the agreement they had made, reminding the
boy that he agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could
name three worthless things that God created.

Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do
know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a
prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the
third are these damn ants!"





Click through for the big version

And they whine at me about my ol GMC pick-up!

 



The preacher rose with a red face.  "Someone in this congregation has spread
a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.  This is a horrible lie and one which a
Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this.  Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood.  Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will
feel glory.  Now stand and confess your trangression."

Again all was quiet.  Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that
would not stop rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke.  "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.  I
just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."




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Little Johnny, Little Johnny's little brother and their parents were sitting
down to supper one evening when Little Johnny's little brother, with a
confused look on his face, asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

Little Johnny's father said, "Because mommy is my honey."

Little Johnny's little brother still looked confused so Little Johnny said,
"It's easy, she's his honey, because he spreads her and eats her!"
  


	Demotivational Stuff

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 13

It's finally warming up and I was even tempted to turn the 
air conditioning on. Howeer, since it was time to wash the 
floors, and doing that with all windows open, also cools down
the trailer, I did that, and afterward sat on the outside steps
in the shade. I do like early summer!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

When Emma's parents threatened to forbid her to see her
boyfriend unless she told them why he'd been there so late
the night before, she began to talk.

"Well, I took him into the loving room, and..."

"That's LIVING room, dear," her mother said.

"NOW you tell me!" came the answer.



Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other
and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men
think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that will certainly revolutionize the
game of hockey!"



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Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and quiet." 

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." 

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start 
and I have to jump on while it's still going."





Click through for the big version

 



Roger had set a double date for himself and his
friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me
tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy.

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on
looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is
pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she
shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head
over heels anytime."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



From Hank:
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had.  You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. 

She then asked, "What do you do about it?" 

We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then said,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" 

We said no way! 

She then stated, "You mean a man's penis will go down 
without having an orgasm?" 

We both said yes. 

At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
  


	Demovitivational Stuff

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 12

The current postal strike on Canada may well be the beginning
of the end of the traditional unions. The union is demanding
perks and privileges and rights, that they have won 40 years ago,
when there was no alternative, and they were able to terrorize
the country.

That is no longer the case, and instead of giving in, the 
Canadian Post Corporation reduced their work to three days
per week. Since they are without a contract, they have to
take whatever work they can get.

The union executives still act like perks and privileges won
for previous contracts are a starting point, but the corporation
totally ignores those and only talks about current needs,
what THEY need to get what little mail there is, delivered
promptly.

What a novel concept!
The union bosses can't seem to grasp that at all.

The union members seem to be shell-shocked about the reduced
work week, especially since they know that there isn't really
that much work left to do. Privately, they don't talk very kindly
about the union bosses, and many expect, that the work week 
will be reduced to two days per week, before the union will
accept a contract. 

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she de-
cided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the
frigid water...when a handsome young sailor saw her totter-
ing on the edge of the pier, crying.  He took pity on her and
said:
"Look.....you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the
morning....and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I
will take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added :

"I'll keep you happy...and, you'll keep me happy!"

The girl nodded, 'yes'.  After all....what did she have to lose?
Perhaps, a fresh start in Hawaii would present her life with
some new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-
boat. From then on......every night he brought her three sand-
wiches and a piece of  fruit...and, they made passionate love
until dawn!

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was dis-
covered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she began to
explain.

"I get food and a trip to Hawaii...and, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry!"



Ole was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new 
hinge so he sent Lena to the hardware store. At the hardware 
store Lena saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was 
waiting for Sven to finish waiting on a customer. 
When Sven finally waited on Lena she asked how much 
for the teapot? 

Sven replied "That is silver and it costs $100!" 

"My goodness tas lotsa money!" Lena exclaimed. 
She then prodeeded to described the hinge that Ole had 
sent her to buy and Sven went to the backroom to find 
a hinge. 

From the backroom Sven yelled, "Lena, voud you vant 
a screw for dahhinge?' 

To which Lena replied "No, but I vill for the teapot." 



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A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature 
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so 
bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about 
his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll 
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached 
the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came 
the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster 
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost 
control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an 
embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but 
he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was 
stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. 

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," 
he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along 
the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't 
pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs 
replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, we'll need a tow truck
to get him out!"





Click through for the big version

 



A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts
out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does
anyone know what this is?" 

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" 

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" 

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the 
bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby- sitter's teeth."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped
his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his
name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the
wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife
agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to
pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put
her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On
the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining
table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each room and deposited a few of the shrimp and  resulting shrimp shells
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the
first few days.Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man
could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything;
cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced,
and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. 
He asked his forer wife, if she was interested in buying the house.
She reluctantly agreed, when he lowered the price to a pittance.

The Moving company arrived and did a very professional 
packing job, taking everything to their new home. 
Including the curtain rods.
  


	Grand Canyon: Nature Rocks