Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia

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Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few
years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to
the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant
again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna
do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This
year I'm taking Marie with me."


The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to
find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was
determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he
asked.

"Don't you think I have any no good friends of my own?" 
she snapped.

 


LARGE


A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting
on a deck at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, 
"Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yeah, I think they're
from the wicker chairs."


Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about
girls. One says to the other, "I never get lucky, I'm just
too ugly..."

The other player says: "No man, you just need to go to where
I live. There girls don't even care what you look like." So
the ugly guy says, "Well lets go!"

They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighborhood.
They start walking down the street, and the ugly guy turns
and sees this beautiful woman across the street, curling her
finger towards herself and saying, "come here." The ugly guy
turns toward his friend and says, "You were right. I'll meet
up with you later, see ya!"

So he runs across the street and starts following the woman.
She disappears for a brief moment around the bend of a
building and then reappears signaling with her finger, "come
here."

He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind
another building, then reappears once again... still curling
her finger, "come here." Finally, he sees her at the top of
an apartment's stairs... one last time she curls her finger,
"come here."

He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment which is
pitch dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the
lights turn on. There he sees the woman pointing at three
kids saying, "I told you if you were bad I was going to
bring you the Boogie Man!"


Read this one out LOUD!

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble. One day he called Wibble
and said, "What about running my bath Wibble."
"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?" said Wibble.
"Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown."
"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?"
"Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers."
"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?"
"No Wibble, If I require anything else I shall call you.
The old Lord lowers himself into the water, and lets go a long fart.
Five minutes later, Wibble returns with a hot water bottle on a silver tray.
"Here you are my Lord, your hot water bottle," says Wibble.
"I never asked for that," said his Lordship.
To which Wibble replied, "You did my Lord, as you lowered 
yourself into the bath, I distinctly heard you say, 
'Whad-abowd-a-hob-wadder-boddle-Wibble?'"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
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A Scotsman went to the zoo for the first time. At one
cage, he stopped and asked the keeper, "Now, what
animal would that be?"
The zoo keeper said, "That's a moose from Canada."
"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man!
They must ha' rrrats like elephants o'er there!"


Two ministers rode their bikes to the park every Monday to 
discuss that Sunday's sermon. One Monday the first minister 
asked the second minister where his bike was.

The second minister said that he thought one of his congregation 
had stolen his bike.

"That's terrible!", said the first minister.  "Who could have 
done it?"

"Well...", the second minister says, "I don't know but it must 
be one of them cuz I remember riding my bike to church last 
week and now it's gone!"

"I have an idea", says the first minister; "Next Sunday, 
preach on the Ten Commandments.  When you get to the 
part about Thou Shalt Not Steal, really lay it on thick and 
whoever took your bike will feel bad and give it back!"

Next Monday the second minister rides up on his bike and 
the first minister says, "See, my idea worked after all.  
I see you got your bike back!"

"Yeah," says the second minister, "I got my bike back.  
Yesterday I started preaching about the Ten Commandments 
like you said.  I got to the part about Thou Shalt Not Commit 
Adultery and then I remembered where I left my bike!"

 


LARGE


- Good morning!
- Morning.
- What is that, please?
- Bananas.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Oranges.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Those are poppyseeds, they are 4.95, each, not per pound.


"You used to be the life of the party in the old days," reminisced one
buddy to the other. "Does your wife still find you entertaining after six
years of marriage?"

"No," answered the live one, "I don't let her catch me entertainin'."


Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with
grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to
honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to
Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on
your honeymoon?" she asked.

Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 21, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.


"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.


"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"


The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious
death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his
11th-story office.
His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the
action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she
started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20
raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office,
gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said,
'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole.
Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again,
presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could
consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

 


1000 lb Tricycle and the nut who built it.



A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough."


"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom.
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
went with the biggest."


The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to
Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then
I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love
to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her
again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll
tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a nap, made love to
her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a 
third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, 
and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside 
for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for 
twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold 
these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell 
were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day!
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask 
which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? 
Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. 
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."


"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated
father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper.  But my son has his own TV, phone,
computer and DVD player.

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"

 


Hey Dad! She needs a photographer!



Hector was married to a much younger woman. After
several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after
his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack.
His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife,
advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out
sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he
should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them
both from temptation.

One night, after several days, he decided that life
without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming
up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"


The lawyer emailed his client overseas:
"Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want
us to order burial or cremation ?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both,
but not in that order."


Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark,
ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 19, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the
convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room
with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."


The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the 
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his 
apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Carmen, 
tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take 
into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have 
a foot fetish 
-but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

 





Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland, Phil
and Mick. Anyway Phil turns to Mick and says "Cawww I've
gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh"

"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Mick. "I'll
stand on this ind and balance ut"

"Are You sure Mick ?"

"Yis, no worries"

"100%?"

"YIS !"

So out goes Phil to take a piss and the lunch siren sounds,
Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off
the plank and Phil is a gonner.

Some time later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke
from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of
their respective nations chase women the hardest...

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss
up session down the Pub with me mates while trying to crack
on to Sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze
women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French
champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure"

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing and says "No, You
blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a
Building site in Auckland following a gorgeous looking
Bird, and this bloke came whooshing from the sky with his
dick in his hand screaming: "Beeeeetch!"


A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their
way from their wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at
the plaza. Suddenly, he had a tremendous heart attack.

Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the
ambulance rushed him to the hospital across town. The
tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic.

One of the medics turned to the young bride and said, "How
about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I
think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the
stretcher. "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so
horny, I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."


A 90-year-old man was having an annual physical.

As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he
began to mutter, "Uh-oh."

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart
murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Perplexed, the old man said, "Which half -- the looking or
the trying?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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