Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia

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A Scotsman went to the zoo for the first time. At one
cage, he stopped and asked the keeper, "Now, what
animal would that be?"
The zoo keeper said, "That's a moose from Canada."
"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man!
They must ha' rrrats like elephants o'er there!"


Two ministers rode their bikes to the park every Monday to 
discuss that Sunday's sermon. One Monday the first minister 
asked the second minister where his bike was.

The second minister said that he thought one of his congregation 
had stolen his bike.

"That's terrible!", said the first minister.  "Who could have 
done it?"

"Well...", the second minister says, "I don't know but it must 
be one of them cuz I remember riding my bike to church last 
week and now it's gone!"

"I have an idea", says the first minister; "Next Sunday, 
preach on the Ten Commandments.  When you get to the 
part about Thou Shalt Not Steal, really lay it on thick and 
whoever took your bike will feel bad and give it back!"

Next Monday the second minister rides up on his bike and 
the first minister says, "See, my idea worked after all.  
I see you got your bike back!"

"Yeah," says the second minister, "I got my bike back.  
Yesterday I started preaching about the Ten Commandments 
like you said.  I got to the part about Thou Shalt Not Commit 
Adultery and then I remembered where I left my bike!"

 


LARGE


- Good morning!
- Morning.
- What is that, please?
- Bananas.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Oranges.
- Are they fresh?
- Yes, they are fresh.
- Give me ten pounds, please.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thanks, but, uhh... could you please wrap each one of them?
- Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
- Here you go.
- Thanks. And, what is that, please?
- Those are poppyseeds, they are 4.95, each, not per pound.


"You used to be the life of the party in the old days," reminisced one
buddy to the other. "Does your wife still find you entertaining after six
years of marriage?"

"No," answered the live one, "I don't let her catch me entertainin'."


Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with
grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to
honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to
Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on
your honeymoon?" she asked.

Mother never hesitated. "Upstairs!" she said.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 21, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
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"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.


"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.


"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"


The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious
death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his
11th-story office.
His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the
action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she
started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20
raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office,
gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said,
'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole.
Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again,
presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could
consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

 


1000 lb Tricycle and the nut who built it.



A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough."


"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom.
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
went with the biggest."


The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to
Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then
I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love
to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her
again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll
tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a nap, made love to
her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a 
third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, 
and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside 
for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for 
twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold 
these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell 
were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day!
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask 
which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? 
Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. 
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."


"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated
father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper.  But my son has his own TV, phone,
computer and DVD player.

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!"

 


Hey Dad! She needs a photographer!



Hector was married to a much younger woman. After
several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after
his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack.
His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife,
advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out
sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he
should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them
both from temptation.

One night, after several days, he decided that life
without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming
up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"


The lawyer emailed his client overseas:
"Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want
us to order burial or cremation ?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both,
but not in that order."


Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark,
ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 19, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the
convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room
with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."


The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the 
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his 
apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Carmen, 
tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take 
into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have 
a foot fetish 
-but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

 





Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland, Phil
and Mick. Anyway Phil turns to Mick and says "Cawww I've
gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh"

"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Mick. "I'll
stand on this ind and balance ut"

"Are You sure Mick ?"

"Yis, no worries"

"100%?"

"YIS !"

So out goes Phil to take a piss and the lunch siren sounds,
Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off
the plank and Phil is a gonner.

Some time later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke
from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of
their respective nations chase women the hardest...

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss
up session down the Pub with me mates while trying to crack
on to Sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze
women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French
champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure"

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing and says "No, You
blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a
Building site in Auckland following a gorgeous looking
Bird, and this bloke came whooshing from the sky with his
dick in his hand screaming: "Beeeeetch!"


A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their
way from their wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at
the plaza. Suddenly, he had a tremendous heart attack.

Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the
ambulance rushed him to the hospital across town. The
tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic.

One of the medics turned to the young bride and said, "How
about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I
think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the
stretcher. "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so
horny, I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."


A 90-year-old man was having an annual physical.

As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he
began to mutter, "Uh-oh."

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart
murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Perplexed, the old man said, "Which half -- the looking or
the trying?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 19, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such
success in his business that he could now afford to have a
proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid
to paint the signboard for him & put it above his shop
entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to
slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away
from his shop after reading the signboard. So he decided to
check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the
word in 3 places.

The sign read:

Psycho-
the-
rapist


"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the
doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only
one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can
do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd
like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what
the seventy-year old gentleman was saying.
"Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc,"
said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it
a couple of feet if you can."

 




Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. 
"I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then 
go and find us some girls." 

"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle 
at home." 

"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink 
and go up to your place."


When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking 
his lazy ass out for good, he started trying to patch things up. 
He got all sad, and looked at me with tenderness, saying 
"You know I love you. Say those three little words that will 
make me walk on air."

So I said, "Go hang yourself."


A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother 
today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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