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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, June 15, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom." Sarah and judy are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silverback gorilla cage, when Sarah makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for 2 hours until he is finally tranquilized. Sarah taken to hospital. Judy visits her the next day and asks, "Are you hurt?" She replies, "Of course I'm hurt. He hasn't called! He hasn't written!" 
Two farmers, farmer Bob and farmer Dan, are having beers in the local bar. Farmer Bob is a younger man, somewhat new to the farming business. Conversely, farmer Dan has been doing it for nearly 20 years and is the most successful man in town. After a few hours of drinking, farmer Bob gets up and says, "I'm gonna go home to feed the beaver." Farmer Dan asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" Farmer Bob replies, "Well, my wife doesn't know about it, but I like to use names of chores on the farm for having sex." A few months later, farmer Bob's tractor breaks down. He's so distraught, he decides to drown his sorrows at the local bar. After sulking for a few hours, farmer Bob decides to return home. To his surprise, he finds another tractor in front of his house. He begins to jump for joy. He runs inside to look for his wife. Farmer Bob says to his wife, "Honey, where did this great tractor come from?" His wife replied, "Well, farmer Dan rents it to me. All I have to do is handle his eggs, and milk him once a week." As our airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." An older man sitting in the 8th row mumbled to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the f/a came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female." "My God," said the man, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office." The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due. Each time the Director would respond, "Some time in late September." Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again. The Director responded, "I have no idea Sir. Norma Jeanne wasn't at the Christmas Party."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 14, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops." A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!" 
You Cant See Me!
From Bonnie One of the photographers who works for me is quite graphic about his sexual powers. When he recently got married he took a lot of good natured ribbing from co-workers, but the funniest thing I heard came from our carpenter. The carpenter asked "Well Casanova how many times did you make love to your new bride on your wedding night?" Delighted to be given an opportunity to brag, the photographer beamed and proceeded to not only tell how many times, but also how many ways. When he finally finished he suddenly remembered that the carpenter had just recently gotten married himself. "Say, now that you mention it, how about you? How many times did you manage on your wedding night?" "Just once", said the grinning carpenter, "My wife wasn't used to it" A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the five kids." Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God. No!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned." "Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no, Brenda. No." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, June 13, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had been surprised in the act of making love. "How awful !" exclaimed the wife. "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the guide... An elderly man called 911 to report, '' there's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis.'' Upon getting the response, ''Sir, 911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?'' The man replied: ''Nothing! Don't do ANYTHING! I just thought you fellows would like to know.'' 
Not a headless horse. The horse is just a typical male,
turning his head to look at her cleavage.
Joe's wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's. A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!" Q: Can a man living in Miami be legally buried west of the Mississippi? A: No. They got laws against burying living people.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 12, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "There is absolutely no doubt. It's pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures for his blog." A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. "Chapter 1 The First Date." So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while. When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?" She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!" "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then! 
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession, and tells the Priest "Father,I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday." "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked. "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without " "Do you mean like this?" He touches her arm. "Yes, father." "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he also touched my breasts. "You mean like this?" He touches her breasts. "Yes, father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he took off my clothes." "Like this?" He takes off her clothes. "Yes, father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where." "Like this?" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where. "Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later. "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he has Herpes." "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!! So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." " Why do you ask ?" "Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, June 11, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin." A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 50 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously." "I notice your daughter didn't get home until three o'clock this morning," said Mrs. Tyson to Mrs. Frisbee across the back-yard fence. "MY daughter was in the house before midnight." "I know," answered Mrs. Frisbee coolly. "But, you see, MY daughter walked home." 
Sounds drifting from the honeymoon suite kept the bellboy glued to the door. Between gasps, a male voice was saying, "Now will you let me?" Throughout the night, the same exchange held the bellboy with his ear at the keyhole. As he was about to give up, he heard the man, in a plaintive voice, say, "Honey, it's almost dawn. NOW will you let me?" "Oh, all right," sighed a sweet voice. "Go ahead and take it out." Our Research Dept. informs us that today's most common form of marriage proposal is still the same as 100 years ago: "You're WHAT?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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