Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 12, 2010

Enjoy!


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"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did
you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-
of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!"
she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was
doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "There is absolutely
no doubt. It's pretty clear that he was following you
and taking pictures for his blog."


A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular.
On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A
book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What
Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of
the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a
while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets
excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he
decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She
replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating
by then!

 





A scantily dressed girl goes to confession,
 and tells the Priest
"Father,I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?"
 the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without "
 "Do you mean like this?" He touches her arm.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
 "But father he also touched my breasts.
"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this?" He takes off her clothes.
 "Yes, father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this?"
He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!


So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears 
the garage door open.

"It's my husband," the woman says. " Here start ironing these."
tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man 
ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. 
Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes 
the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. 
He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a 
man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says,

"Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives 
in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"

"Yes, I am." " Why do you ask ?"

"Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 11, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said,
"I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and
me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we
want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would
see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in
town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and
we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out
that night and partied like professionals. When they got
back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just
thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all
out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the
confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess,
and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come
in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in
later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have
sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last
night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal
knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to
wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus
shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you
will be absolved of your sin."

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in
and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause,
and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to
call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500
"Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to
the church, and go around the church 50 times on your
knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and
we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our
agreement??"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing,
but I take my job seriously."


 "I notice your daughter didn't get home until three o'clock this
morning," said Mrs. Tyson to Mrs. Frisbee across the back-yard 
fence. "MY daughter was in the house before midnight."

"I know," answered Mrs. Frisbee coolly. 
"But, you see, MY daughter walked home."

 




Sounds drifting from the honeymoon suite kept the bellboy 
glued to the door. Between gasps, a male voice was saying, 
"Now will you let me?"

Throughout the night, the same exchange held the bellboy 
with his ear at the keyhole. As he was about to give up, he 
heard the man, in a plaintive voice, say, 
"Honey, it's almost dawn. NOW will you let me?"

"Oh, all right," sighed a sweet voice. "Go ahead and take it out."


Our Research Dept. informs us that today's most common 
form of marriage proposal is still the same as 100 years ago: 
"You're WHAT?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 10, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man was playing a round of golf one day, when he came to the par three
third hole, where he got his first ever hole-in-one.

As he bent down and removed his ball from the cup, a genie suddenly appeared
from out of the hole. She said, "I'm the genie of the third hole and, for
getting a hole in one, you are granted one wish."

The man thought and said that he would like to have a very large penis. The
genie told the man that his wish was granted, and then disappeared into the
hole. The man was so excited about his hole-in-one and his new penis that he
decided to go right home to tell his wife of his good fortune.

As he walked back to the clubhouse, however, his penis began to grow and
grow. By the time he reached the clubhouse, it was dragging on the ground.

The starter in the clubhouse said, "I see you got a hole in one on the third
hole." The man was very embarrassed and worried about what he would do.

The starter in the pro shop told him that the only thing he could do would
be to go out to the third hole and try to get another hole-in-one.

So, the man goes out to the third and tries and tries until finally he does
get a hole-in-one. Again, as before, he bends down to get his ball, and out
of the hole comes the genie of the third hole to grant his one wish. She
recognizes the man and asks him what he would like this time. "Would you
like your penis smaller?"

"No," says the man, "But could you please make my legs longer?"


A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts.

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a
special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down.

The woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an
attractive man sitting alone at the bar.

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had
started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

 


New Arizona Police Bike


A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist have a mutual
friend who is getting married. They are all practical
jokers, and since their friend is getting married on April
Fool's Day, they each decide to set up a practical joke in
the couple's bedroom.

The day after the wedding, the new groom is talking to his
three friends. He says to the electrician, "I didn't mind
the small shock when my wife and I first touched each
other." He turns to the carpenter and says, "The collapsing
bed was actually pretty comical."

The guy then turns to the dentist and says, "But you went
way too far -it just wasn't funny, putting Novocain in the
KY jelly!"

Glossary (for those not understanding the joke):
Novocain is what Dentists use as a local anesthetic, 
and KY Jelly is a water-based lubrication sometimes 
used by both parties before or during sex.


"I'm in love with my goat," the nervous young man told his
psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and
I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel
physically attracted to my goat."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you
think I am, a queer?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

His four children were gathered around their fathers deathbed. As the
eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children
started to discuss the final funeral plans.

One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a
plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the
remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much
money, as their father would never know the difference.

Dad stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the
record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and
never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this
burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

"Yup," said Dad, "And cheap ones too!"


It was there 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in there
70's, decided to relive the honeymoon .  When they arrived at the hotel
where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people.

They made their way up to the desk and were informed that there was a
convention in town.  Luckily they had made a reservation in advance
requesting the same room.  They went up to the room, unpacked, then went
down into the dining room and had a fine meal, ordering the same food and
wine and after dining returned to their room.  The husband, as he had done
before, ordered champagne from room service.  As they were preparing for bed
the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night?
You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other
and I jumped up right into your arms."

"How can I forget," he said, "you looked so beautiful."

"Let's do it that way again."

"No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now,"

"Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the door.

"O.K." he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go,
and they ran at each other.  and missed.  She hit the door with a bang, and
he went flying out the window.  As luck would have it, the room was only on
the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard
boxes.  He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt.  He began looking around to see
what he could find to cover himself with.  There was nothing.
Just then a bellhop came around the corner.  He called him over and asked
him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room.

The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby."

"The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked."

"No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby.  If we hurry no
one will see you."

The old man said, "Where did all the people go?"

The bellhop answered, "Oh, there all up on the second floor watching the
hotel doctor trying to pry some old lady off a doorknob

 





Steve and Fred went to the fair. They came
across a small crowd gathered around a
stall and went over to take a look.

"What's going on?" Steve asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can
ride that bronco machine," he said nodding
towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody
has managed to stay on for the full three
minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000
for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Steve said confidently.

"No you can't," said Fred.

"I sure as hell can!" said Steve.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try
and ride that monster," said Ted.

"Watch this," said Steve and climbed aboard
the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down,
from side to side, around in circles but
still a grim-faced Steve clung to its back.
After two minutes the machine was bucking
almost vertically and spinning until Fred was
a blur. But when the three minutes were up
Steve was still on the machine's back
acknowledging the cheers and cries from the
small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings
and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did
you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Fred asked.

"Remember three months ago," Steve said...
"When my spastic wife had whooping cough...?"


This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started
passing  them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.

"Congratulations, Eric," said the boss. "How much did the baby weigh?"

"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.

"Gee, that's kind of small."

"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly. "We've only been
married three months."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her.
A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and
says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"
The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are
disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth!
I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw
anything! Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw
dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens!"
The cowboy, sitting downanyway, remarks thoughtfully, "Chickens?"


A man spent his entire life savings on his pride and joy ­ An E-type Jaguar.
So he took it onto the motorway to see how fast it would go.
He was in the middle lane doing a cool 80mph when a chicken ran up besides
him in the outer lane.  The chicken looked at him, gave him the finger and
overtook him.  The man was not going to have this happen in his new car and
changed down to 3rd gear and took up pursuit.  At 100mph the man pulled
level with the chicken whose legs were now just a blur.  The chicken once
again gave the man the finger and pulled away from the man.
To the mans amazement this happened again at 120mph and again at
140mph.

Finally the chicken lifted his left wing and indicated off the motorway.
The man had to know what kind of chicken could run at such speeds so he too
pulled off the motorway and followed the chicken.  Up an A-road ­ Up a B
road ­ Up a narrow lane and into a farm yard.  Zoom !!!  Straight into the
chicken hut.  

There was a farmer propping up a pitchfork in the middle of
the yard so the man pulled up and spoke to him.  "I've just been overtaken
on the motorway by one of your chickens.  It was doing over 100mph!  What
kind of chicken is it?" "Well" said the farmer, "On Sunday at lunchtime I
likes a leg, me wife likes a leg and me son Jethro likes a leg.  So we
genetically designed a three legged chicken!" "What a good idea" replied the
man.  "What do they taste like?" 

Din't know." grunted the farmer "Never ever caught one yet!"

 



Illegals are excempt. They get free medicare anyway.



On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde
virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.
She, of course, believes him.  He's gone for a conference for a
couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new
wife.

"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the
world.  But Harry at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I
had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh.  Well, why did you give him the big one?"


Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a
resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so
that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end
up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want
me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to
fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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