Teamwork 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 19, 2010

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A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits. "Who is this?" asks the padre. "Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe" "And this portrait?" "That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi" "Who is this third one?" "That is the Virgin of Ishia" "And the final portrait, what virgin is she?" "Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Carmen, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish -but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland, Phil and Mick. Anyway Phil turns to Mick and says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh" "Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Mick. "I'll stand on this ind and balance ut" "Are You sure Mick ?" "Yis, no worries" "100%?" "YIS !" So out goes Phil to take a piss and the lunch siren sounds, Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank and Phil is a gonner. Some time later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest... Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates while trying to crack on to Sheila's!" Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure" Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing and says "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a Building site in Auckland following a gorgeous looking Bird, and this bloke came whooshing from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "Beeeeetch!"
A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from their wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the plaza. Suddenly, he had a tremendous heart attack. Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed him to the hospital across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic. One of the medics turned to the young bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them." "Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher. "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny, I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
A 90-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor listened to his heart with the stethoscope, he began to mutter, "Uh-oh." The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Perplexed, the old man said, "Which half -- the looking or the trying?"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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No Platform Shoes 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 19, 2010

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A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the signboard for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the signboard. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places. The sign read: Psycho- the- rapist
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination. "I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?" The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped. "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can." "Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?" "These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls." "No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home." "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place."
When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking his lazy ass out for good, he started trying to patch things up. He got all sad, and looked at me with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say those three little words that will make me walk on air." So I said, "Go hang yourself."
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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Didn't know you are a cop 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, June 18, 2010

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The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight." "No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!" "So???" queried the hooker. "My wife will do it for $35." he replied.
From Mia: Some friends brought over some steaks for the BBQ.. My oldest son (age 7) and their oldest (6) decided that they wanted to jump on the trampoline. It was already dark so the boys decided that they needed a flashlight. My son knows where I keep my flashlight so he went into my bedroom and took it out of the top drawer. He, and his friend, came running back up the stairs very excited. My son held out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs in front of everyone, and said in his most amazed voice, "Mom! I didn't know that you are a cop!"
From Moe How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ? Do you think it's correct? There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce it. If you say OK...LAHOMA You're WRONG!!!!! The proper way is: OKLA...HOMA There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'. I can prove it Thanks for noticing, Moe ;-)
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means, 'cold blood', but what does it *mean*?" The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is sang froid!" The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat* is sang froid!" "Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue, *zat* is sang froid!"
A newly married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they had rented from the groom's parents. The first night, the father of the groom was awakened from sleep by his wife nudging him with her elbow. "Roger, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Roger!" Roger rolled on top of her and screwed her. He was trying to fall back asleep when, 15 minutes later, the same sounds were heard. The wife nudged him again and said, "Roger! Listen to them! Come on, Roger!" Once again, Roger got on top of her and made love to her. A short time later, the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again. And again the wife nudged her husband. "Roger, listen!" At this, Roger leaped from the bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a prick and a potato? A DickTater!
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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in your own blouse 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, June 17, 2010

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A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, his forearms hang limply, and his fingers are spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this and so he complies and unzips the first man's pants. Next the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." ------ Fall down go boom?
Told to me by Dear Webby: I often receive calls from people who have not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I just look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I received a call from a lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced, but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues, to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." I unlocked her system and gave her my address.
Where is my Brownie? Large
Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte." Boy: "Great, isn't it?" Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him." Boy: "And that is?" Girl: "In public, you have to put your hand in your own blouse."
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbor, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love." Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'6"? " Yes", she answers, " I believe he was." " Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked. " Yes," the neighbor agrees. " Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. " He'll screw almost anyone!"
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, " ... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay ... let's try your armpit," the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "That's not my butt, Doc!" The Doc replied, "Well, that's not my thermometer, either."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News
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She faked it! 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 16, 2010

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"That smoker's toothpaste you bought me isn't any good!" "C'mon, dear, just give it a try. It'll get those nicotine stains off of your teeth in no time." "I don't know how you can say that! I can't even light the damn stuff!"
Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum. "You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah yes!'" "That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!" Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here." Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does as the doctor says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The doctor says, "Good. Fifty Dollars, please. Come again tomorrow, and we'll learn B!"
A young nun was returning to the convent after a brief visit outside, when she walked past a gang of laborers laying a new sprinkler system in the convent's garden. She overheard the men talking as she passed, blushed, and hurried to the Mother Superior. "Reverend Mother," she said, "those workmen use such strong language! Could you speak to them, please, and ask them to stop?" "There, there, sister. We must be charitable. They are merely hard-working men who believe in calling a spade a spade." "Oh, no they don't, Mother," the young nun replied. "They call it a fucking shovel!"
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat, they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunchtime approaches, they decide they are hungry. They come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first, "We're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uhh, which part of the dog did you get?"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News
Privcy guaranteed by Webby Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody.
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