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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wenesday, June 30, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'" Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father." 
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl. A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat and then sends him to the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What can I do to stay this way?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "Uhhh... no," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, June 29, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man goes visits a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First, the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having sex!" Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps and says, "One man having sex." Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which the patient identifies as "two woman and one man having sex." The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." The man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?" 
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads." At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway." Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at nine o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely," he says. "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell out of a building." "Oh, my," says Sophie. Turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!" 
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you." An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "She was in a hurry and sat on my face, without checking for glasses..." Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I ever fall behind in my payments, she might try to repossess me."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, June 27, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A nice lady went to the kennel where they had Schnauzer pups for sale. When she had picked one out and was ready to take it home, the kennel owner cautioned her that Schnauzers grow lots of hair in the ears, so you have to keep the ears cleared out or they will become infected. Well, the lady forgot to keep an eye on her dog's ears, and the dog developed a serious ear problem. When she took her Schnauzer to the vet, he examined the dog, and declared, "This is the worse case of hair-in-the-ear that I have ever seen!" The vet wrote out a prescription for her to have filled at the drug store. Later, as the druggest was handing her the medicine, he advised her, "If this is for hair on the leg, you mix it 5 parts water to one part of solution. If this is for hair on the under arm, you mix it 10 parts water to one part solution." She replied, "But Sir, this is for my Schnauzer!" The vet replied, "Hmmm, in that case, mix it 20 to one, and don't ride a bicycle for a few days!" A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat." 
From S. Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park"? This is a sex test for retired people. The object is to see how fast can you guess the words. Hey, who said retired people don't think about sex!!! How fast can you guess these words? 1. B o o _ s 2. _ _ n d o m 3. F _ _ k 4. P _ n _ s 5. P u _ s _ Answers later. Don't cheat --------------------------------------- A guy with his girl in a Fiat Said, "Where on earth is my key at?" As he started to seek She let out a shriek "THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!" As the elevator car left our floor, Big Sue caught her boobs in the door; She yelled a good deal, But had they been real, She'd have yelled a lot more. --------------------------------------- Answers: 1. Books 2. Random 3. Fork 4. Pants 5. Pulse You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU???
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 26, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "Port, however, it makes me fart during sex." A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was. The mechanical engineer pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been a mechanical engineer. The electrical engineer said that was okay, but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an electrical engineer. The mechanical engineer and the electrical engineer both looked at the civil engineer, who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer," they said. "Of course," replied the civil engineer. "Who else would run a sewer system through a prime recreational area?" 
Just act natural
A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses, then prays for the country!" The Italian composer, Rossini, went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Your trouble stems from wine, women and song." Rossini suggested, "Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own." The doctor said, "Well, which of the other two are you prepared to give up?" Rossini relied, "That depends entirely on the vintage." A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town. As he was going down the road three campaigning politicians were standing beside the road hitchhiking. The farmer picked them up, one politician got in the front and the other two politicians got in the back. As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck. The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom. The farmer and the politician that were up front come up out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting for the two in the back to come up. The farmer said, "I wonder where they are?" The politician said, "Maybe they drowned." About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, "What the Hell took you so long?" The two politicians said, "We had a devil of a time getting that tailgate open!" These people didn't have that problem. They found out the hard way why vehicles need shocks in good working order. Roll-Over
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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