Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 28, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

On the Bulletin Board:
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Sunday afternoon.




 A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so
was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her date
has had enough and says, " You're always thinking about him. 
Why don't you think about me once in a while?"
"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.
 

A blind man was standing with his dog in a corner when the
dog raised his leg and pissed on his trouser. The man took
out a biscuit from his pocket and was about to give it to the dog. 

Suddenly, he heard a lady saying, "You should not
do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when
he does something like that."

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just
trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass
for what he just did".where he is standing, 
so that I can kick him in the ass for what he just did".



It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked
up the teacher.  He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that
he was a hell of a gambler.  He warned her that Little Johnny might win
lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, she assured the father that she had
handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little
Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, Little Johnny's father called the teacher and asked
her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she
said, "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.  "Little Johnny absolutely
insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she
said, "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge
to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" His father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he
would see your bare butt before the day was over!"


An old woman in the Dixie County received a letter from her
grand-niece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune.

Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi
says here that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it
must be a *message* parlour." "I reckon city folks must leave word there
fer their neighbours and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all,"
her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?"

"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says
she gets $15 for a hand delivered message and $35 if she 
*blows* it to them...!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 27, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too,"





 There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar
joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class 
decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in
and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of
whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until
tomorrow!"
 

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The
waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger
immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the
man bellowed at the waitress. "My doctor said the best thing for my
rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the
waitress informed him. "Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don't
you take that finger and of yours and shove it up your fat ass?" 

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I 
brought your soup out."



The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students
so she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly
that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday ... but I don't
want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly,
"I'll use a rubber!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 26, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Bobby was stark naked in front of his open
window, doing his morning aerobics.
His wife entered the room and shouted, "Bobby,
you fool, draw those curtains! I don't want the
neighbors to think that I married you for your
money!"



Ma-weighs-less-than-the-party-ice


Three weeks after her wedding day,
Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I
had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the
minister, "it's not half as bad as you
think it is. Every marriage has to have
its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna,
"but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
 

A man was wandering around a
fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would
be good for a laugh, he went inside
and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the
father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE
children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's
what YOU think."


SIGNS POSTED IN VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE WORLD

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear, with
pleasure, is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of
the chambermaid

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit
upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best
results.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly
forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in
one tent unless they are married with each other for that
purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it
is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend
the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our
horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and
other diseases.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 25, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked
for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the
church. He was told that the horse owner always had money,
so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy,
as the horse turned out to be a donkey.

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a
race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the
headlines in the paper read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS

The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased.
The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines
read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done.
Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come
in second. The headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE

This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the
priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines
then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS

Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of
the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to
Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to
dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars.
Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS

They buried the Archbishop three days later.



Picture might need a bit of cropping


At school Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said,
"Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to
get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Johnny's father promptly handed him $40 and
said, "Please don't say a word to your
mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to
school the next day when he saw the mailman
at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail,
opened his arms saying, "Then come give
your real father a great big hug."
 

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker
in the hospital. "How are things at the office going, Claudia ?" she
asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee,
Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making 
it with the Boss."


My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that
he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he
would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about
the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of
sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to
replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. 
Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. 
When you started to preach on that, 
I remembered where I left my hat."



One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her
origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, 
"God sent you."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their 
moms and dads too?"

"Yes, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling
me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No
wonder everyone is so grouchy!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 24, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

John was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of
Wonder Bras. The clerk noticed he had been there for some time 
and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out. She 
walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance.

John answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick
the size she is, or the size she wants to be?"





 Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the
doctor is perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
 

A man who went to see his urologist. After examining him for a
moment, the doctor excused himself and went outside to the nurse and
said, "You've got to see this. This patient has 'TINY' tattooed on
his penis. Go in and make up some excuse to examine his penis."

The nurse went into the examining room and closed the door.
A minute later, she emerged, exclaiming, "Oh, doctor, no, it's not
'TINY', it's 'TICONDEROGA, NY'..."



Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?

Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.

Wife : What? At 2 a.m.?

Husband : Yes. We used nightclubs.


In the manner of all new mothers, I spent a lot of time
inspecting my firstborn, When he was almost a month old. I
noticed a curious dimple on his bottom. With each diaper
change and bath I became more concerned. What if the boys in
the locker room found it funny and teased him about it, or,
even worse, what if some future spouse thought it to be
strange?

One evening I approached my husband, "Look at this," I cried,
waving the small bottom about. "Do you think it will
embarrass him when he grows up? Do you think it's strange?"

My husband listened patiently to my outburst, then said, "No,
I don't think it is strange, dear. I've always thought that
it was pretty cute on you!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD