Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  June 25, 2009

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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked
for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the
church. He was told that the horse owner always had money,
so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy,
as the horse turned out to be a donkey.

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a
race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the
headlines in the paper read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS

The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased.
The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines
read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done.
Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come
in second. The headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE

This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the
priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines
then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS

Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of
the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to
Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to
dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars.
Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS

They buried the Archbishop three days later.



Picture might need a bit of cropping


At school Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said,
"Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to
get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Johnny's father promptly handed him $40 and
said, "Please don't say a word to your
mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to
school the next day when he saw the mailman
at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail,
opened his arms saying, "Then come give
your real father a great big hug."
 

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker
in the hospital. "How are things at the office going, Claudia ?" she
asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee,
Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making 
it with the Boss."


My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that
he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he
would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about
the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of
sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to
replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. 
Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. 
When you started to preach on that, 
I remembered where I left my hat."



One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her
origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, 
"God sent you."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their 
moms and dads too?"

"Yes, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling
me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No
wonder everyone is so grouchy!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 24, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

John was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of
Wonder Bras. The clerk noticed he had been there for some time 
and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out. She 
walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance.

John answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick
the size she is, or the size she wants to be?"





 Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the
doctor is perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
 

A man who went to see his urologist. After examining him for a
moment, the doctor excused himself and went outside to the nurse and
said, "You've got to see this. This patient has 'TINY' tattooed on
his penis. Go in and make up some excuse to examine his penis."

The nurse went into the examining room and closed the door.
A minute later, she emerged, exclaiming, "Oh, doctor, no, it's not
'TINY', it's 'TICONDEROGA, NY'..."



Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?

Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.

Wife : What? At 2 a.m.?

Husband : Yes. We used nightclubs.


In the manner of all new mothers, I spent a lot of time
inspecting my firstborn, When he was almost a month old. I
noticed a curious dimple on his bottom. With each diaper
change and bath I became more concerned. What if the boys in
the locker room found it funny and teased him about it, or,
even worse, what if some future spouse thought it to be
strange?

One evening I approached my husband, "Look at this," I cried,
waving the small bottom about. "Do you think it will
embarrass him when he grows up? Do you think it's strange?"

My husband listened patiently to my outburst, then said, "No,
I don't think it is strange, dear. I've always thought that
it was pretty cute on you!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 23, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A Navy Chaplain found himself seated next to a slightly drunken
sailor on the bus back to the Naval Station. The sailor slurred,
"I'm not going to Heaven, because there ain't no Heaven."

The Chaplain didn't reply.

"I said," repeated the sailor, "I'm NOT going to Heaven 'cause
there ain't no Heaven."

"Very well mister." replied the Chaplain.  "Go to Hell then, but
be quick about it!"





There was a young lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And singed her entire
Front page, sport section, and all.
 

A man from Wisconsin, the owner of one of the largest cheese
factories in the state, passes away quite suddenly. In his will,
it stated that he was to be buried with 5 pounds of each type of
cheese; hard, sharp, mild, soft, and so on. 

As the pallbearers were taking the casket out of the church, the 
package of limburger burst open in the coffin, and when they 
smelled the stench, they dropped their load on the steps, 
causing it to skip down the steps and into the street. 

The undertaker ran out of the church and screamed at
the men, "What in God's name are you doing?" 
"Hell," said the lead pallbearer, "if he's gonna fart like that, 
he can walk."


Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
      told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, that was right.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.



A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with
the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One
Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night
she went into the maid's room. She switched off all the
lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight there were footsteps. She saw a
figure open the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside
her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly
switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"

"Uh, duh, yes, I am, ma'am!" stammered the postman.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 22, 2009

Happy start of Summer!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A young woman was suffering badly from hay
fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party
that night and figured she would need at least
two handkerchiefs to get her through the
evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she
stuffed them both in her bra. 

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one
handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for 
the other one. She was having trouble finding it, 
and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was 
looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived".





A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles
university was quizzing a group of students on
Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques.
They answered all of her questions easily until
she posed this one:
"Which article of clothing would you remove
last if you fell from a boat or dock fully clothed?"

Everyone mentioned something different. It
was evident that no one knew the correct
answer, so the instructor helped out.
"The blouse," she said, "because the air gets
under the blouse and acts like a buoy!"

The subsequent uproar ended the class.
 

A man and his girlfriend are getting cozy and comfortable. 
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on 
her knees in front of him and starts peering at his crotch, 
looking and tippingher head this way and that,
studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort
of peeved voice "Well, what the heck are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown
with you....just looking."


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he Stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open
and reveal a leg. The Priest lustfully looks and nearly has
an accident. Then he slowly lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately reminds him about a verse from the Bible:
Luke 14:10

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further their way down the convent he lets his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again reminds him about Luke 14:10
Once again the priest apologizes saying,
"Sorry sister, but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes
on his way. Once he arrives at his Church he rushes to the
Bible and looks for the verse the nun mentioned. 
Luke 14:10
"Friend, go up higher, then thou shalt have glory"



"I'm finished with Debbie!" Tom exclaimed to his friend.
"What did she do?" asked his buddy
"She broke down and told me she was bisexual."
"Yeah, that always leads to trouble, sooner or later", 
Bob commiserated
"Yeah," Tom replied, "Who the hell wants to screw just 
twice a year???"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 21, 2009

Happy Fathers's Day!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
Not now = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I need your help for a bit = Just do it and shut up!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
really not going to like
Quit pawing me = I was at the women's libber meeting
Who are you messing with = Paw me a bit
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk
him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think I'm wrong
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything, and it's all YOUR fault.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot.





A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.  Upon getting
home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks
cheekily.

"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear Silver. It
would be nice if you came second for a change!"
 

A footwear salesman, staying at a hotel, took a fancy to the
housemaid.
He offered her $25 for an hour in his room, but she replied that she
wasn't a girl like that. She said that when she did it, it was just for love. 

Now he'd put her off and she couldn't get passionate even if she 
wanted to. The salesman happened to mention that he was selling 
shoes and had an extremely good sample pair.

The girl gave in, and took the salesman upstairs where she stripped
completely and lay back on the bed. The rep got going and was
surprised and delighted to find the girl very responsive. First she 
wrapped her right arm around him, then her left leg, then her left 
arm and then her right leg. Of course her enthusiasm must have 
been due to his skill as a lover.

"I thought you said you couldn't get worked up." said the rep rather
smugly. 

"I'm not, I'm just trying on the shoes."


Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one
evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's
sticking out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy
is HANGING out!"


A lady goes golfing and gets bitten by an ant.

She goes to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just
bitten byan ant on your course."

The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss?"

She responds, "between the first and second holes."

The pro thinks a second and says, "Lady, if I were you, 
I'd narrow my stance!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD