Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 17, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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A man sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door
and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and
says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a
friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy
and see where he goes." 

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. 
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your wife."





Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father, for I have sinned. I have been with a sexy woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her
reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance. But you must
atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers
and four Hail Mary's.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and
three good leads."
 

A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long, she
becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital
for a prostate gland infection.  The doctor says to
the woman, "I know what we'll do.  After I've operated
on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him
it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on
the priest.  After the operation he goes in to the
priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe
this."

"What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor.  "It's
a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he
must tell his son the truth.  One day he sits the boy
down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm
not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother.  The bishop
is your father."


There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she had a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.


My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening 
up in her neighborhood.

"How convenient," she said. "I can walk to it!"

Probably a good place to pick up guys with cars '-)




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 16, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Jon, Brian, and Bubba were all locked away in a mental
institution for many many years.  (Where they belonged, mind
you.)

One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he
wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally
competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail,
however, they'd be locked away for another five years of
observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer.  The four of them went to
the hospital's indoor pool.  The pool had been drained.  
The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform

The doctor motions to Jon.  "Jump."

Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the
pool, breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."

Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the
empty poll, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells
Bubba, "Jump."

Bubba shakes his head.  "Naw.  I don't think so."

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically
and says, "Congratulations, Bubba.  You're a free man.  Just
tell me one thing.  Why didn't you jump?"

"That's easy," Bubba says, "I can't swim."



Looks like the cable company priced itself out of business!


A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to
marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage
money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The
third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

Which one does he end up marrying? 
The one with the biggest boobs.
 

Goldboig and Goldstein were two fine fellows from the
Bwronx who had some money to inwest.  They considered
long and hard how to inwest it for the best pwrofit.  But they
kept running into foreseen eventualities that would hinder
their business.  For example, Goldboig said, "Nu! So ve open
a tailor shop and sell the finest clothes!"  to which Goldstein
says, "and tell me then, vhich von from us know the materials?
I can't sew, maybe you could??" and Goldboig was forced to agree
that it was not a good idea.  Finally Goldstein suggests that they
open a funeral parlor but Goldboig points out "You're CWRAZY!!
Ve tuch a stiff, ve are unclean, TRAFE, and can't even go to our
own house!"  "Yaah, dot's wright." says Goldstein.  After about
five more potential investments have fatal flaws, Goldboig pipes
up,
"I got it.  I got it.  Ve'll go into the wreligious arrrtifact business!
Ve'll get wrich making  cwrucifixes!"  

Goldstein retorts "Und WHO vould buy a cwrucifix from Goldboig 
and Goldstein???"
Goldboig says, "Vhy don't ve chust twry to call the cwrucifix
company and see if dey vill sell to us?"  to which Goldstein says, 

"OK, go ahead."

Goldboig gets on the phone and says "Allo! Ace Crucifix Company!
Dis is Goldboig of Goldboig and Goldstein.  Ve'd like to order
tvelve dozen gwross cwrucifixes!"  

The voice comes back from the other end,
"Vas you vanting dem mit or mitout the Chesuses??"


A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and
groom's  families had a storming rage and begin wrecking
the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of
each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in
court.  The fight continues in the court room until the
Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer,
shouting "Silence in Court."

The  court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man)
stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the
wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy
begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the
first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance,
the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second
song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing
to the third  song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt
over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an
unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of me fingers and I
couldn't hit anybody properly during the entire wedding fight!"


 A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular
newspaper
and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street
who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual
intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The
questioner smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman.
" But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a
seventy-two year old priest with no car"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 15, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The Nurse was taking Joe's blood pressure.
She caused him some concern by rechecking
it twice, then saying,
"Hmmmm. That's odd -- it's normal."

He replied that he had taken his high blood
pressure medicine less than an hour ago.
She said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was
losing it. Normally when I take the men's BP
readings they're always on the high side."



Gotcha!


Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon
listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full
volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I ask a lady friend, whom
she has never heard, call her desk when she's not there, and
leave a message like
"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for
the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty girl! You wouldn't want me to
come over there and spank you, would you ?"

That is probably the last time you ever hear that particular
speakerphone.
 

A sad-faced Todd walked into a flower shop
early one morning. The clerk was ready to take
his order for a funeral piece, based on the look
on Todd's face, but soon realized his
assumption was wrong as Todd asked for a
basket of flowers sent to his wife for their
anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday."


Joan, who was a rather well proportioned secretary, spent
almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided to slip out of her dress for an overall
tan, since, no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The
Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as
you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."


Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only
dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him
in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to  behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room
in  the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there
were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said
the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for
barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen
(he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left
for the barn.

Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled.

The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"

The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap jerk in
the fur coat never even said thanks!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 14, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Linda went into the local bookstore and saw this big
display with a sign saying "Newly Translated from the
Original French: 37 Mating Positions."
Noticing the books were already wrapped in plain brown
paper, she just had to buy one. Once safely at home, she
opened it and found that she had just purchased a very
expensive book about chess.





The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and
was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It
contained a girl's name and address, and asked the
recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought
to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman
so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read,

"Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of
guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
 

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a
seminar on the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he
asks: "How many  people here believe in ghosts?" About 90
students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"  About 40
students raise their hands.

"That's really good.  I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their
hands.

"That's a great response.  Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.  But let me ask you one question further...
Have any  of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand.  The professor is
astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever  claimed to have slept with a ghost.  You've got to come up
here and tell  us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a
nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a Ghost."

The student replies,  "Ghost?!?  I thought you said
'goats.'


Mary had a little lamb, 
The doctor was surprised!
But when Old McDonald had a farm, 
The doctor nearly died.


A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was
discussing the frequency of sex that could still be
considered normal. "Many people find that sex every other
week is a sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that's fine.
Yet others want to make love nightly, and there's nothing
wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of
this class. Don't be embarrassed and please answer honestly.
How many people here make love more than twice a week?"

A few hands shot up.

"Twice a week?"

A few more hands.

"Weekly, on average?"

Many hands.

"Once every two weeks?" he continued "Once a month?, once
every several months? once a year?"

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.

"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "But if you only
make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"

The student excitedly replied, "Tonight's the night!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 13, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two old farmers were discussing how
productive their bulls were. One farmer said he
had a problem with his bull but the vet gave him
some medicine and he was jumping on
everything on the farm.

The other farmer said his bull was not doing to
well and asked what medicine the vet used so
he could get some. The first farmer said he
didn't know the name of the medicine but it
tasted like chocolate.





Nancy, a city girl, married a farmer. One
morning, before the farmer went out to the field,
he said, "Honey, today the artificial
insemination man is coming over to impregnate
one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four
over the stall. Please show him which one it it
is."
When he arrived, Nancy led him down the row
of stalls until she saw the nail.
She pointed to the stall and he asked her,
"Are you sure?"
"It's the one with the nail," said Nancy.
"What's the nail for?" asked the man.
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," replied
Nancy.
 

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had
a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but
being rather unworldly, they don't really know how.
Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to
change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
  As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from
the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch"
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language.
We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use
such language."
 "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
 Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his
fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire
is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't
help us."
  "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
 "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get
upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
  So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And
again it slipped.
 He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and
said, "Sweet Jesus, help me."  At that, the car
miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
  The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in
unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!"


A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious
wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.  The rabbi asks if 
they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, 
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women
always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally 
have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"Can we do it doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle
of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a 
porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."


A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The
waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the
chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs
left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't
know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without
comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those
eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you
have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD