Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Flatbush 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 9, 2009

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A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" The husband looks up and replies, "no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?" Then the husband says, "golf season starts tomorrow!"

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She didn't scare the fish. She ate all the bait."
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to their word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John! what is it like, where are you?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze and sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we do it again until we fall asleep about 11pm." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
A lot of you are under the impression that "Flatbush" is a term denoting a person from an area of Brooklyn, a borough in New York City. Not so! That term was coined in the 60's when the girls first started wearing skin-tight jeans.
The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat. She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young" learning all the buzz words and hip sayings. One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone want secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Don't stop just yet 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 8, 2009

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike dear, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Hey," said the druggist, "I know you, aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Did you hear about the hillbilly who... ...Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him. ...Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble. ...Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute. ...Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. ...Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control. ...Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed. ...Thought that "Moby Dick" was a veneral disease. ...Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass. ...Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard. ...Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains. ...Studied 5 days for a urine test. ...Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas. ...Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke". ...Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss. ...Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions. ...Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes." Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday." Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."
Viagra is now in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name of "Mydixadud." Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my tech. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."
The young lady knocked the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began to suck powerfully on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't got any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's. But don't stop just yet!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Occasional Piece 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 7, 2009

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The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he drove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Yeah, right.
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a leak. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."
He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?"
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough...."
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's news: Fasten 8 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 6, 2009

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A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt, and spontaneity into the process. The guy ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan. "Well" he says to the doctor on his follow- up visit, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early.For excitement I drove home at twice the speed limit, charged into the house through the closed screen door, and jumped on Sheila in the living room. "And did you ENJOY it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well..." says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "Her Bible group thought it was pretty neat, and it was kinda fun ... until all the cop cars arrived with 16 speeding tickets and a SWAT team."

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest, and only whispering, and there is no woman around to interrupt him, is he still wrong? ---- Yes, of course!
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
A couple got married in a western one horse town and took the their homey moon in the bright lights of Las Vegas. While checking in the hotel clerk said to the honeymooners, "Would you like a single room or a double or for $100 you can have the bridal." The woman responded, "No, we don't need the bridal, I'll hang on to his ears until he gets the hang of it."
A man who had problems with premature ejaculation went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!" Delighted, the guy took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on his dick and went upstairs to his wife. But it seemed to make him reach orgasm quicker than ever. The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on cellar shelf?" "Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer. "You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed. Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: won't bother you all night 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 5, 2009

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Give him a modem, and he won't bother you all night.
Friday at the office
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God. A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him. Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!" Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Damn wind!!!!"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Writen in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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