Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  June 3, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The wife of an older man is distraught because her
husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore.  She goes
to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor
just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...  Get this prescription, and put three drops
in his milk before he goes to bed."  The wife is very happy
and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how
it went.  The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty
drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an
antidote now to close the coffin."

With China foreclosing on the loans for the Hummer plants, 
GM-II is testing prototypes of the Bama-Spec Hummers:




The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the
night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him
all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy
continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and
says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have
the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.
We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about
your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries
with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like
you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if
you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor
wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would 
have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's
office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write
the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a
patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and
can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires,
signed, Dr. Aaron Katz".   
Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern?"
 

 Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. 
 "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" 
 
 Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, 
 "What, you mean it's tiny like a peanut?" 
 
 "No silly, it's salty!"


The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the
Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.  The guide noted: "We are now passing 
the largest house of legal prostitution in America."

A male passenger shouts out:  "Why aren't we stopping?"
----------------------------------
I heard that the Mustang Ranch has been closed. Apparently they
got convicted of tax evasion and the federal government took it
over. Under federal government management it went bankrupt, 
hundreds of people got laid off and the place was closed.

I also heard that the federal Bureau of Land Management then
put it up for sale on eBay. It has since re-opened under a new 
owner and is apparently not needing a bailout.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 2, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and
said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am
getting married to the most beautiful girl in town.  She
lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to
talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with
women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm
afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and
very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting
married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation
and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too,
William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother
with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad
tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to
what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"



Russian Hum-V equivalent, handy for crowd control.


Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother
breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That
what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".

The young mother tells Paddy to clear off.

Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me,
tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast
feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses..., "can I try
breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy".

Paddy says convincingly, "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby,
and he doesn't need the other breast".

The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking,
fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the
other breast".

Paddy began sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young
woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused, panting
slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy, "Paddy.... is there
anything else you want?"

Paddy asks, "err... have you got any cookies?"
 

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive in the
car.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really
didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the
rescue and decided that for this Sunday she would take their
daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl
ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what...
....we didn't see a single bastard or prick or dumb asshole!"


Thorn went into a bookshop and asked the sales
girl if she had a book called: "How to Master
Your Wife".

Salesgirl said: "Our science fiction section is
upstairs."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 1, 2009

Picked my first rhubarb of the year!
Cubed it and a sweet apple and an over ripe banana
and boiled it a bit for a chunky and tart pancake topping.
Spring has sprung!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast    table one lazy morning.
He suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell
all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole
using my stuff.."

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"





"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the
woman who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and 
a see-through negligee.

"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're
really with the Salvation Army?  How do I know you aren't some sex
fiend who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless 
female who's all alone in her house ... 
and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"
 

Here is an annual favorite one for the start
of Summer School:
It was the first day of the summer school
and the shop teacher was surprised to see
a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in
the front row of the classroom. Her name
was Betty-Sue and she was the only girl to
sign up for the woodworking shop class.


The shop teacher asked her if she was
sure she was in the right class, and
Betty-Sue assured him that she was.


The teacher then said, "Some girls have
become outstanding cabinet makers and
carvers, some came here with a lot of prior
knowledge and experience, but others
without any clue. So that I won't talk over
your head, or bore you silly with
unnecessary explanations, I'll have to ask
you some questions:  Do you have
any experience at all working with wood
fasteners?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Betty-
Sue.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail,
a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher
asked.
Betty-Sue pondered the question for a
moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly
say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been
'bolted'."


A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run. When he
delivered the milk upon a house, a beautiful woman answered
the door wearing a transparent nightie.

This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday. On
Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so he zipped
down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang
the doorbell to deliver the milk.

To his surprise a man of six foot six, 200 pound and with a
hairy chest answered the door.

The quick thinking milkman said, "If you don't pay for your
milk today I'll piss all over your welcome mat!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 31, 2009

Picked my first rhubarb of the year!
Cubed it and a sweet apple and an over ripe banana
and boiled it a bit for a chunky and tart pancake topping.
Spring has sprung!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

John's idea about women!
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects, whenever I
mention sex, they object."
--------------
That's right John. In your case I don't blame them one bit.





A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as
on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with
my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing happened. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing
happened. Then her left, but nothing happened. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth
out and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady
next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing happened."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor too?"

The old man replied, "yes, but inspite of all these effort
we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
 

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce
       from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the
       court, but I can't find any evidence at all to
       support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy.
      I said she was FUCKING Goofy!


A panhandling bum is walking along in the theater district just around
matinee time.

The streets are crowded with people rushing to get in to their shows.
The bum sees a well dressed man walking along and goes up to him and
asks,
"Sir, can I borrow a quarter?"

The man stops and says in a very dignified tone, "Neither a borrower
nor a lender be! - William Shakespeare."

The bum looks back at the man and says, 
"Up yours, you cheap bastard -
Darryl Johnson."


One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father
went to look at some puppies.  When he came home, he ran up to his mom
and informed her that there were four puppies. 3 were boys and 1 was a
girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the
boys were black."

"You dummy, how did the color tell you if they were male or
female?" asked his big sister.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't tell you,
micro-bimbo, the black ones had peckers."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  May 30, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman entered a pawn shop and asked
to see a pistol. She then asked for some
bullets. Loading the gun, she ordered the
pawnbroker to empty out the cash register.
But then she said,
"I have an even greater urge. Get into the
back room!"
There she ordered him to disrobe, and
began having sex with him. She got so
involved and excited, that she dropped the
gun.
"For God sakes, lady, pick it back up. My
wife is due to show up any time now, and if
she thinks I am fooling around for fun, then
we are both dead!"





 A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie fell on
him.
"Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two
wishes. What will the first one be?"

The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending
joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized
joint.

The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After five hits, the joint
is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?"

The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"
 

 The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a
girlfriend, but she really went with her long time wealthy lover, who
gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat. But she couldn't bring it home
so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat. She came home and told
her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn
ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what
had been pawned. 

Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap men's watch, 
and gave it to her.

The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.


Three Nuns are involved in a fatal car accident, and they arrive
together at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them, and
informs them that they each have to answer one question before he will
allow them to enter Heaven.
St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who built an ark to keep the animals
safe during The Great Flood?" 
She replies, "Noah!". 
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who tempted Adam and Eve to eat the
forbidden fruit in The Garden of Eden?" 
She replies, "That blasted serpent!" 
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.
St. Peter asks the third nun, "What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

She thinks for a few minutes, and says, "Boy, that's a hard one!".
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.



 A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly
approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the
young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."


I saw this 2007 Cadillac advertised privately for $49.95, so I
bought it without question and the lady seller gave me title
and a receipt.

Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a
retail of around $35,000."

"I know" she said. "It's loaded and my late husband paid
$39,000 for it just before he died. But in his will he left
instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to
his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her the
$49.95."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD