Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  June 30, 2009

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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination,
which read, List four benefits of breast milk. A student
began to answer the question:

1. No need to bottle it.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him.

When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam
ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he
completed the answer by writing:

4. Available in attractive containers.





TWO women were chatting and one asked the other,

"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having
passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to 
make a phone call at a time like that?"
 

A tour bus travelling through London slowed down briefly at the 
largest brothel in Soho. 
The guide noted, "We are now passing the largest
house of prostitution in the United Kingdom."

A male passenger piped up, "Why?"


 A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One
of his closest friends exclaimed, "You can't be serious about
marrying Sarah Jane! Why she's laid every man in town."

The bridegroom to be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, 
"Well, it isn't such a big town."



A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the
boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him
he needed glasses. Finally, he bought himself a pair and his game
improved 100%. Back in the clubroom they were talking over a few
beers.

"You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.

"You're right, I look down and the ball's as big as a basketball,
just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he
said. "Gotta go to the toilet, be back in a minute."

When he came back, all the front of his trousers were wet.

"Gee, what happened to you?" his mates asked.

"Don't know," he replied, "got in there, pulled it out and it looked
too big for mine, so I put it back!"


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean $35?"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  June 29, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. 
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.. 




Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the
brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were doing "it". Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous
of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do
you want now?"

"I wann a watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father
 

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was
transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation
tour he noticed a very old looking camel tied out behind the
enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the
tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when
they do ... uh ... they take the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale,
then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been
stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the
Captain simply couldn't control his sexual urges any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men,
and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few
minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his
trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that
how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it
to ride into town."


A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to score! And
to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when
you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers
or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff.
The more you give, the more you get!"

Next day the son showed up for his date with flowers.
She was very flattered and pleased and she rewarded him 
with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against 
him and rubbed her fingers through his hair, hoping to give 
him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and headed for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm just going to run down to the
cemetery to get you more flowers!"



One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She
gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word
starting with that letter, and then use it in a sentence. Starting
with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the
teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks
and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The
teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn
into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent " said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she
will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she
asks Mary. "F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives
among the flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this
and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".

"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for
once he wasn't out of line.

Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws
the fairies.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  June 28, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

On the Bulletin Board:
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Sunday afternoon.




 A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so
was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her date
has had enough and says, " You're always thinking about him. 
Why don't you think about me once in a while?"
"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.
 

A blind man was standing with his dog in a corner when the
dog raised his leg and pissed on his trouser. The man took
out a biscuit from his pocket and was about to give it to the dog. 

Suddenly, he heard a lady saying, "You should not
do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when
he does something like that."

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just
trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass
for what he just did".where he is standing, 
so that I can kick him in the ass for what he just did".



It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked
up the teacher.  He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that
he was a hell of a gambler.  He warned her that Little Johnny might win
lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, she assured the father that she had
handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little
Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, Little Johnny's father called the teacher and asked
her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she
said, "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.  "Little Johnny absolutely
insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she
said, "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge
to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" His father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he
would see your bare butt before the day was over!"


An old woman in the Dixie County received a letter from her
grand-niece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune.

Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi
says here that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it
must be a *message* parlour." "I reckon city folks must leave word there
fer their neighbours and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all,"
her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?"

"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says
she gets $15 for a hand delivered message and $35 if she 
*blows* it to them...!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  June 27, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too,"





 There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar
joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class 
decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in
and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of
whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until
tomorrow!"
 

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The
waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger
immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the
man bellowed at the waitress. "My doctor said the best thing for my
rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the
waitress informed him. "Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don't
you take that finger and of yours and shove it up your fat ass?" 

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I 
brought your soup out."



The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students
so she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly
that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday ... but I don't
want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly,
"I'll use a rubber!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  June 26, 2009

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Bobby was stark naked in front of his open
window, doing his morning aerobics.
His wife entered the room and shouted, "Bobby,
you fool, draw those curtains! I don't want the
neighbors to think that I married you for your
money!"



Ma-weighs-less-than-the-party-ice


Three weeks after her wedding day,
Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I
had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the
minister, "it's not half as bad as you
think it is. Every marriage has to have
its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna,
"but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
 

A man was wandering around a
fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would
be good for a laugh, he went inside
and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the
father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE
children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's
what YOU think."


SIGNS POSTED IN VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE WORLD

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear, with
pleasure, is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of
the chambermaid

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit
upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best
results.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly
forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in
one tent unless they are married with each other for that
purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it
is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend
the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our
horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and
other diseases.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD