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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 26

I like glancing at international newspapers, on-line, of course,
to see what our media have missed, hushed up or twisted. 
And, I have to admit, to read the corny puns they use in some
countries.

United Steaks, prime mincester...


You have to enter an email address to open the paper.
They will send a brief email with the day's headlines every day,
but if you ignore them for a few days, they stop, and you have to
give them an email address again.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The 
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear 
a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my 
body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells 
her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. 
Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show 
you. I want to hide outside the window, so I can have a look." 

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them 
go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then 
the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I 
see yours?" 

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That 
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're 
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl 
asked to see mine." 

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had 
the four guys I play poker with outside the window with me!"



How can you identify the Polock at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.

How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.

How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight? 
The duck wins.



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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of
the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to
a Tennessee man.  One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the
Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. 

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." 

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. 

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of 
his legs and he's still trapped."





Comrade Nikita, I can see you'r nuts!

 



A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered
his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked
company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. 

The computer operated faultlessly. 
It sent him a penguin.




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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Billy Bob's parents were thrilled and excited when he joined the Army;
he was going to serve his country.  After Billy Bob had completed basic
training, he invited his parents to come to the base and spend the day
there. He said that special programs had been set up for all the
parents, so that they could see the results of the training. 

His parents showed up, eager to see what Billy Bob had learned. 
After all the parents had visited with their sons, the Drill Sergeant 
announced that the group would do an exhibition of marching, 
to show off the skills their sons had learned. 

The troops lined up in formation and marched by the group of 
parents. As they went by, Billy Bob's mother said to his
father, "I'm so proud of Billy Bob. Look at him. He's out there
marching, and do you notice, he's the only one in step?"



	Lemon Festival

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 25

I heard Sheikh Obama lost the Irish vote.
No, not because of his Cadlillac colored tank getting stuck,
he lost it because of the face he made, when he was given 
some Guinnes to sip on. According to my friend Patty,
that is unforgiveable.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar
where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new
breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired
look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said,
"I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it
by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit
back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he
was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture
over and over again. When they arrived at the seminar
the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated
himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted
chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent
lecture showing at least as much confidence as the
scientist would. At the end of the lecture the
chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are
there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a
long question about a very complicated and highly
theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking
silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he
answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur
can answer it."
---------
In those days scientists had brains and were more than 
just grant seekers.



A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set
up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process,
told him that he would now need to choose and enter a 6
character or longer password... Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he
would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p e n i s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH



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A Sunday School teacher asked her class,
"Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have
committed, but didn't?"




The British papers made sure the entire world found out.
Video of the incident is here:
Stuck Up

 



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat 
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady 
sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but 
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men 
say the following: 

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come 
together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. 
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' 

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. 
''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in 
public.'' 

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my 
brother, da bishop from Milano, how to spella Mississippi.''




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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A group of prisoners were attending their rehabilitation 
meeting. Their assignment was to each stand up in turn, 
state their name and admit to the other inmates what crime 
they had committed. 

The first prisoner stood up and said, "My name is Stuart 
and I'm in for armed robbery." 

Everyone gave him approving looks and pats on the back for 
admitting his wrongdoing. 

The next prisoner stood up and said, "My name is Dennis and 
I'm in for murder." 

Again, there was a round of approving looks and pats on the 
back. This continued around the circle until it was the 
last inmate's turn. 

He stood up and said, "My name is Louie and I'm not saying 
what I'm in for." 

"Come on now, Louie," the group leader said, "in order for 
you to make any progress, you must disclose what your crime 
was. Now, tell us what you're in for." 

"Ok, ok," Louie said, "I'm in for screwing dogs." 

A disgusted look came over the other prisoners as they 
yelled, "That is disgusting! How LOW can you go!?" 

"Chihuahuas," Louie replied.



	George & Gracie

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 24

Got a flood preparedness letter in the mail. I am not too
worried. My trailer is four feet off the ground and behind the
rickety looking skirting is solid concrete. Power failures
are extremely rare here, and I have a few of those Stat-Power
inverters, that you can plug into a vehicle's cigarette lighter.
They won't power anything big, but are just fine for the
computer and monitor and lights. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A crusty old colonel on his way to the Legion for his FNB
(Friday Night Brew) got tangled in a small crowd on the
sidewalk at some gala event downtown, hosted by a local
liberal arts association, and was quickly hustled inside by
some of the fanatically idealistic ladies involved in that event.

He vaguely remembered similar events from his long gone
by college days and he quickly spotted one of those serving
trays with drinks on them, grabbed one and with an officious
looking, fast stride skirted the crowd, trying not too hard at
all at sharing his loot and offering drinks to people.

He had emptied almost every glass on the tray and was
almost back to the counter where the full trays were in
readiness for the hostesses to pick them up for serving.

One of those approached the colonel for conversation.
She said,
"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, you could say that."
He didn't tell her that the ribbons and medals were for
good attendance or completing first aid courses,
and that "action" for a supply colonel in an Idaho training
base was mostly in the back of the warehouse.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax
and enjoy yourself."

The colonel raised his eyes from his tray of drinks, which
just happened to be in a straight line of sight with some
attractive areas of her figure, and stared at her in his
most serious manner.
He had thought he was enjoying himself

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you
had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill
out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean,
no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know.
It's only 2035 now! The evening is still young"



Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab
where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of
the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."

Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?)

Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."

Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the
world did they do that???"

Secretary: "They must have used some sharp tools or a spoon
or something."

Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even
realize mice had balls...!"

Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!"

Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals)
"Well...what can *we* do?"

Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on. I can get my
daughters to come in. They know how to do that."

Pastor: "WHAT?!?"

Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same
thing.....?!"



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To balance the meek churchy jokes, ..
Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: That shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to somene else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Born Again: Same old shit, new cover.
Mormon: If shit happens, it is eternal.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Polytheism: Who did this shit?
Monotheism: I've narrowed this shit down to one.
Satanism: We make shit fly.
Agnosticism: What is this shit?
Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Socialism: The business class should pay for this shit.
Democratism: The government should pay for this shit.
Republicanism: We produce this shit.





Click through the picture for full size

 



A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a
weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and
youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth
before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave
that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."




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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



While performing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and 
accidentally cut off one of the man's testicles. In order to 
avoid a huge malpractice suit, the doctor replaced the 
missing testicle with a small onion. 

A few weeks later, the man returned to the doctor for a 
check-up. 

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. 

"Pretty good," the man replied, "but I have been having some 
strange side effects." 

"Such as?" the doctor asked nervously. 

"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water," explained the 
man. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, 
and every time I pass a hot dog stand, I get a hard-on."



	High Above

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 23

Thank you, Ruth!

This weekend my neighbor Maryann freaked out. Her MIL is
coming for a visit. I don't know why that terrifies her, but it does.
Her MIL is an organic food freak, and works for the government,
and so can afford to be picky. Anything, that is not politically
correct, in her opinion, has to be "disposed of", or she will be
in a snit.

Disposed of in this case means giving it to me. Goodie! Goodie!
Some stuff, like canned food, or the TV dinner she had stashed
for some kind of emergency, I can understand. But Instant Rice?
Hey, who's the Blonde around here, anyway?

That's just pre-cooked and freeze dried rice!
No, it had to be gotten rid of. Apparently the dragon had gotten
noisy about it before and declared, it was not good enough for
her son.

Well, I gladly accepted the almost full 5 Kg box, but felt rather
guilty about it. So I made her some rice pudding, in HER kitchen.

2 cups of instant rice, 2 1/2 cups water, a big handful of raisins,
a teaspoon of butter, some salt, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg.
I nuked that 7 minutes.

Then I checked her milk and found some that was a tad beyond
the "Best Before" date. I poured about two cups of that into her
crock-pot, added the rice, some vanilla and a bit more cinnamon,
and let it giggle to itself in the crock-pot for a couple hours.

It was pretty thick after that, but still just barely pourable. 
I ladled it into bowls, shaved some Baker's Semi-Sweet chocolate
over it, (one of the reason I like visiting her!), covered the bowls
with Saran wrap and put them into her trailer's illegal dug-out
to keep cool. Except for the one bowl, which I took with me,
along with the box of rice and a milk crate full of other
naughty stuff.

I just had a quarter of my bowl of rice pudding. Stuff THAT
good is probably a sin, but I am planning on sinning three
more times before I return that bowl.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have
a GREAT time Saturday.  I've gotten three tickets
for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said,
"They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"



A classic from Johnny for this time of year:

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what 
you REALLY think about him/her?

Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, 
then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get 
kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, 
so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday 
was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the 
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with 
a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch 
what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her 
podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could 
practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And 
then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell 
you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would 
for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in 
the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this 
certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades 
have been posted!"



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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With 
their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice 
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic 
fruits. 

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of 
lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. 
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste 
these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they 
managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, 
but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers 
in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something 
your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're 
assholes!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



A sweater girl is one who knows that it's possible for a man to
concentrate on two things at once.




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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an
anvil.   Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.However, he now had a problem, 
how to carry all of his purchases home? 

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, 
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm 
and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. 
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.  
She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road.  
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time" 

The little old lady said:  "How do I know that when we get in the 
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, 
and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, 
an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could 
I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" 

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, 
put the anvil on top of the bucket, 
and I'll hold the chickens.



	Deep Down

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 22

Thank you, Richard!

What happened to the End Of The World, that the apos promised
for yesterday? Like an election promise, it did not happen
here. I didn't expct it to happen. After all, some of my readers
in Australia, New Zealand and the Phillipines already had May 22.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the 
gym when he spotted a sweet young woman.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here 
should I use, to impress that sweet young woman over there?" 

The trainer looked him up and down, quickly glanced at her,
and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"



"Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been
developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle.
It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts.

If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles."



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Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"





Click through the picture for full size

Just cruising down to mcDonalds!

 



Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?

They'd never let anyone finish a sentence.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Two middle aged folks got married. As they were laying
in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling,
the man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. 
I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me.  
Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my  passion, my 1st love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit longer
and then the woman said, "While we're baring
our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have
been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment
then says, "Have you tried widening your stance
and adjusting your grip?"



	Chrysler gallery