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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 24

Got a flood preparedness letter in the mail. I am not too
worried. My trailer is four feet off the ground and behind the
rickety looking skirting is solid concrete. Power failures
are extremely rare here, and I have a few of those Stat-Power
inverters, that you can plug into a vehicle's cigarette lighter.
They won't power anything big, but are just fine for the
computer and monitor and lights. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A crusty old colonel on his way to the Legion for his FNB
(Friday Night Brew) got tangled in a small crowd on the
sidewalk at some gala event downtown, hosted by a local
liberal arts association, and was quickly hustled inside by
some of the fanatically idealistic ladies involved in that event.

He vaguely remembered similar events from his long gone
by college days and he quickly spotted one of those serving
trays with drinks on them, grabbed one and with an officious
looking, fast stride skirted the crowd, trying not too hard at
all at sharing his loot and offering drinks to people.

He had emptied almost every glass on the tray and was
almost back to the counter where the full trays were in
readiness for the hostesses to pick them up for serving.

One of those approached the colonel for conversation.
She said,
"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, you could say that."
He didn't tell her that the ribbons and medals were for
good attendance or completing first aid courses,
and that "action" for a supply colonel in an Idaho training
base was mostly in the back of the warehouse.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax
and enjoy yourself."

The colonel raised his eyes from his tray of drinks, which
just happened to be in a straight line of sight with some
attractive areas of her figure, and stared at her in his
most serious manner.
He had thought he was enjoying himself

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you
had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill
out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean,
no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know.
It's only 2035 now! The evening is still young"



Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab
where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of
the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."

Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?)

Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."

Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the
world did they do that???"

Secretary: "They must have used some sharp tools or a spoon
or something."

Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even
realize mice had balls...!"

Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!"

Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals)
"Well...what can *we* do?"

Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on. I can get my
daughters to come in. They know how to do that."

Pastor: "WHAT?!?"

Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same
thing.....?!"



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To balance the meek churchy jokes, ..
Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: That shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to somene else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Born Again: Same old shit, new cover.
Mormon: If shit happens, it is eternal.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Polytheism: Who did this shit?
Monotheism: I've narrowed this shit down to one.
Satanism: We make shit fly.
Agnosticism: What is this shit?
Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Socialism: The business class should pay for this shit.
Democratism: The government should pay for this shit.
Republicanism: We produce this shit.





Click through the picture for full size

 



A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a
weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and
youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth
before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave
that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



While performing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and 
accidentally cut off one of the man's testicles. In order to 
avoid a huge malpractice suit, the doctor replaced the 
missing testicle with a small onion. 

A few weeks later, the man returned to the doctor for a 
check-up. 

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. 

"Pretty good," the man replied, "but I have been having some 
strange side effects." 

"Such as?" the doctor asked nervously. 

"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water," explained the 
man. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, 
and every time I pass a hot dog stand, I get a hard-on."



	High Above

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 23

Thank you, Ruth!

This weekend my neighbor Maryann freaked out. Her MIL is
coming for a visit. I don't know why that terrifies her, but it does.
Her MIL is an organic food freak, and works for the government,
and so can afford to be picky. Anything, that is not politically
correct, in her opinion, has to be "disposed of", or she will be
in a snit.

Disposed of in this case means giving it to me. Goodie! Goodie!
Some stuff, like canned food, or the TV dinner she had stashed
for some kind of emergency, I can understand. But Instant Rice?
Hey, who's the Blonde around here, anyway?

That's just pre-cooked and freeze dried rice!
No, it had to be gotten rid of. Apparently the dragon had gotten
noisy about it before and declared, it was not good enough for
her son.

Well, I gladly accepted the almost full 5 Kg box, but felt rather
guilty about it. So I made her some rice pudding, in HER kitchen.

2 cups of instant rice, 2 1/2 cups water, a big handful of raisins,
a teaspoon of butter, some salt, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg.
I nuked that 7 minutes.

Then I checked her milk and found some that was a tad beyond
the "Best Before" date. I poured about two cups of that into her
crock-pot, added the rice, some vanilla and a bit more cinnamon,
and let it giggle to itself in the crock-pot for a couple hours.

It was pretty thick after that, but still just barely pourable. 
I ladled it into bowls, shaved some Baker's Semi-Sweet chocolate
over it, (one of the reason I like visiting her!), covered the bowls
with Saran wrap and put them into her trailer's illegal dug-out
to keep cool. Except for the one bowl, which I took with me,
along with the box of rice and a milk crate full of other
naughty stuff.

I just had a quarter of my bowl of rice pudding. Stuff THAT
good is probably a sin, but I am planning on sinning three
more times before I return that bowl.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have
a GREAT time Saturday.  I've gotten three tickets
for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said,
"They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"



A classic from Johnny for this time of year:

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what 
you REALLY think about him/her?

Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, 
then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get 
kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, 
so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday 
was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the 
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with 
a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch 
what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her 
podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could 
practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And 
then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell 
you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would 
for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in 
the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this 
certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades 
have been posted!"



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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With 
their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice 
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic 
fruits. 

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of 
lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. 
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste 
these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they 
managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, 
but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers 
in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something 
your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're 
assholes!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



A sweater girl is one who knows that it's possible for a man to
concentrate on two things at once.




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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an
anvil.   Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.However, he now had a problem, 
how to carry all of his purchases home? 

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, 
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm 
and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. 
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.  
She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road.  
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time" 

The little old lady said:  "How do I know that when we get in the 
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, 
and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, 
an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could 
I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" 

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, 
put the anvil on top of the bucket, 
and I'll hold the chickens.



	Deep Down

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 22

Thank you, Richard!

What happened to the End Of The World, that the apos promised
for yesterday? Like an election promise, it did not happen
here. I didn't expct it to happen. After all, some of my readers
in Australia, New Zealand and the Phillipines already had May 22.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the 
gym when he spotted a sweet young woman.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here 
should I use, to impress that sweet young woman over there?" 

The trainer looked him up and down, quickly glanced at her,
and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"



"Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been
developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle.
It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts.

If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles."



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Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey
style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"





Click through the picture for full size

Just cruising down to mcDonalds!

 



Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?

They'd never let anyone finish a sentence.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Two middle aged folks got married. As they were laying
in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling,
the man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. 
I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me.  
Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my  passion, my 1st love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit longer
and then the woman said, "While we're baring
our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have
been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment
then says, "Have you tried widening your stance
and adjusting your grip?"



	Chrysler gallery

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 21

Thanks to the six of you, who sent a birthday donation to
DearWebby!

Got a letter from Ann:

	Dear Ophelia, 
	I wanted to send DearWebby a money transfer from 
	PayPal for his Birthday... Please tell me how to do that?  
	Can you make a Birthday Button for Dear Webby's Birthday, 
	since a belated PayPal gift is better than nothing?
	Ann in California
	

Dear Ann
Because of my lousy credit rating, I can't get my own PayPal
account, so DearWebby made me a button, that is coded to me.
The button has a comment line, and you can write in there, who
and what your donation is for. 

You can also go directly to DearWebby's newsletter, and use 
the button, that he has there.

Enjoy
Ophelia



 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed
a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would
ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the
back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take
the next turn, right?"

"No way," yelled the groom, "you marry your own."



A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant
for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind
the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please." the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly
beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers
gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see
the clerk climb up and down those stairs.

After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops
and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing
below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."



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A woman is in her doctor's office getting undressed for an 
examination. She turns to a naked blonde woman sitting next 
to her and says, "I told the doctor that my ears are 
ringing and he told me to strip. Does that seem a little 
suspicious to you?" 

"Hey, don't ask me," the naked blonde replies. "I'm only 
here to fix the fax machine."





Click through the picture for full size

 



An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by
a knock on their door late one night. Morris, the husband got up to
answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man staring back
at him. "Oh, this is terrible! I'm going to be robbed and lose all my
money!" the old man screamed. 

"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist." 

"Oh, thank goodness!" said Morris with much relief. 
Then he shouted, "Sarah, it's for you!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Dad: Don't you want a glass of wine with your meal?

Chip: Nah! I'm going to cut down on the alcohol.

Dad: Really?

Chip:  Yeah, remember last summer?

Dad: Certainly!

Chip: Well, I don't!




	Synonyms

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

I have frequently looked at those snazzy toaster ovens, but 
never actually gotten one. I know, the cops get them for every
hundred crooks they catch, but I don't know any cops well
enough to get their used ones.

So I use my regular oven. The problem with that is that the 
racks are too wide. Yeah, like me. Some women always
tell me that my rack is too wide to wear fashionable clothes.
That's OK. I can't afford fashionable clothes anyway.

The wide spaced rack in my oven p'd me off once too often,
when a smallish piece of bread from the end of the loaf
fell through and down onto the charred drippings,
melted cheese upside down, of course.

Yes, I know, I should have replaced the alu foil at the
bottom a long time ago, but I am still looking for a speed
limit sign, that will just fit, and that I can take out and wash.
The Alu foil is a nuisance and always makes a mess, when
I pull it out.

While I was fuming about having to pick bits of charred
drippings out of the melted cheese, I spotted an 8"x8" cake 
cooling rack, that has not been used for ages.
It's wires are quite close together and nothing will ever
fall down between them. By turning it upside down, so
that it's little legs stick up, I can smoothly slide it in on 
the regular rack. When done, I can take the little
cake rack out, and neatly slide my sandwich from it onto 
a plate. Problem solved for good!

By the way, May 20 is Dear Webby's birthday. 
If you can afford it, send him a dollar donation.
PayPal will ding him 30 cents plus .29%, but that
still leaves him 41 cents. Off $10, he gets $6.8.

Yeah, it is set up for the convenience of buyers,
and the merchants have to pay for that. However,
even the 41 cents of a one dollar donation would 
cheer him up. And he would know it is from one of
MY people!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

From Mike in Georgia:
A good ole Georgia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He
broght it home and his wife looks at him and says, 
"What the hell you gonna do with that. There ain't no water 
deep enough to float a boat within 75 miles of here. 

" He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. 
He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. 
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
pointing to the field behind the house. The brother 
heads out behind the house and sees his brother 
sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down 
in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What
the hell are you doing?" 

His brother replies "I'm fishin. What the hell does it look like 
I'm a doing." 

His brother yells back, "It's people like you that give people 
from Georgia a bad name, making everybody think we are 
stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tops."




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Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first one
says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those handsome
men shave in the mornings."

The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face
in their dicks and asses."

The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say,
and replied, "I'd love to an ambulance.  I would love to have three or
four men stuck through my behind at a time and then run through the
streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."





Click through the picture for full size

Palo Duro, TX.jpg

 



Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Glue the remote control between his toes.

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
    and half the time they don't work.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



From Robert:
"My wife wants me to get a vasectomy, but I'm not too sure. We
decided to let the kids helps us make the decision.

They're in favor of it, 15 to 2."




	Cenesthetic Hallucination