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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 15

Thanks Catherine!
Thanks Neil

OK, I get the hint.
World politics is not appropriate from somebody with my 
bra size. Talking about food seems to go over much better.

Maria invited me to come over and fix the arms of her swivel
chair. The front ends had gotten damaged from getting wedged
under the edge of her desk.

Naturally I timed my visit to just before supper time. 

The arms of her chair were just a vinyl fake leather, not a big
deal, as long as you don't ruin it by trying it with a wrong 
glue first. I injected some rubber glue inside to glue the 
broken foam, fixed the vinyl with two component vinyl and
covered it tightly with Saran wrap.  
"It will be ready after supper."

Maria hauled out a Polenta stick, and cut a bunch of slices.
Then she made some French Toast mix with eggs, cinnamon,
vanilla, Stevia and a spoon full rye flour and a spoon
full milk, while the frying pan was heating up.

Then she dipped the Polenta slices in the mix, and fried them,
until they were hazelnut brown.

She plunked four slices on each plate, and put a dab of
tart rhubarb-strawberry jam onto the middle of each.

Delicious! Memorable,
and also very cheap and very easy to make in a hurry.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with
the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking
chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said:
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you
have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have
decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely
wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of
the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the
Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling
inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining,
what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and
said, "I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome
young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then
before them stood a young man with the looks and body
that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations
Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was
gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked
into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, stretched and showed
off his muscular build, then curled up on the couch and closed
his eyes with a sigh.

He briefly re-opend his eyes and whispered:
"I bet that now you regret having me neutered at the vet,
don't you?"



There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other
across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an
angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've
wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen
minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change
positions."!!!!!

 "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down,
 and YOU crap on its head."



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Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to
'tinkle.' 

One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was
lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him 
and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." 

Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear." 

When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several 
blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. 

Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny 
have to whisper?" 

"Yes!" the old man yelled, 
"Thank God he didn't have to shout!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello."

A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me
to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body
all over and make rough love to you." 

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and 
replies, "You can tell all this from the way I said 'Hello?'"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about
me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" 

"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. 

"You're the first one," she gulped. 

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked incredulously.

"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."



From Bill:
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"



	 NASCAR

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 14

No donations in May so far. However, Maryann, my neighbor,
did some cleaning up in her pantry. I got a can of Chef 
Boujardee Lasagna, because "it is so thin, you might as well
call it a soup", and 3/4 of a bag of Perl Barley. "That stuff will
burn on, no matter what you do!"

Well, I know the secret to Perl Barley. Don't do your email
while it is cooking! It takes plenty of water, and frequent
stirring, and more addition of water. And don't give up until 
it is the size of perls, otherwise it will expand to that size
AFTER you have eaten. Not nice at all!

So I spiced the barley with lovage, cloves, nutmeg, 
parsley and onion flakes, and a heaping tablespoon full
of fake bacon bits from the Dollar Store.

Then I let it simmer, while I did the dishes and the floors,
and stirred it a bit every time I walked by. Twice I also
added more water.

It was ready when I was, and tasted delicious!
My big soup bowl used up a quarter of the pot. That
stuff always expands more than I figure.
Tomorrow I will add that can of fake Lasagna to
it. That will thicken it up and change the flavor.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Once again, Little Johnny was in trouble, but this time it 
was serious. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, 
and although the crime appeared to be highly improbable, the 
state's evidence was overwhelming. 

As a last desperate move, the defense attorney went over to 
the witness stand, pulled Little Johnny's pants down and 
grabbed hold of the boy's tiny penis for all to see. 

Turning towards the jury box, the lawyer cried, "Ladies and 
gentlemen, surely you cannot believe that such a small, 
still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more 
agitated, he continued, "How could this miniature member 
possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape 
of a grown woman!" 

"Careful!" Little Johnny yelped, "One more shake and you're 
going to lose the case!"



By popular demand, here it is again:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 



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Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words with missing letters? 

1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X 
4. P_N_S 
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 




Answers: 
1. FORK 
2. PULSE 
3. SIX 
4. PANTS 
5. BOOKS 
6. RANDOM 

You got all 6 wrong didn't you? 

Well, Congratulations! 
You don't have Alzheimer's - and you are quite normal..





Click through the picture for full size

 



Seated at the breakfast table, Rosey was bent over in
pain, and complained to her husband, "My head aches, I
have a pain in my stomach, and my left breast feels
like it's on fire."

"Poor girl," solaced hubby, "Here's an aspirin for
your head, alka seltzer for your stomach, and if you
lift your breast out of the hot oatmeal, I'm sure it
won't burn so much.."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so 
she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them 
mounted?' asked the taxidermist. 

To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just 
fine.'



Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough 
in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the 
air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don’t hurt my 
buttercups." 

Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to 
confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began 
to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a 
little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups." 

Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is 
anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared 
before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my 
buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want 
for the rest of your life." 

"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" 
Andy replied.



	 Hang Gliding

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 13
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Sarah wanted a dishwasher, but Abe tried to delay, until
he could get a used one or a discount somewhere. Paying
full retail was definitely against his religion. This had been
going on for a few years,and finally Sarah got fed up and
asked her rabbi about what to do.

He told her to go to the yard sale down the street, where his
wife was selling picture frames.
(for only twice as much as they cost her at Ikea.)
He told Sarah to purchase one and make sure she had $19.95
left over when she came back.

She did.
He held out his hand for the $19.95, and the picture frame,
then got busy inserting the verse he had artfully penned
on parchment in the meantime:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 

Sarah got a diswasher a day after she hung up that verse.




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In days past, children were given names that sound strange
to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy
was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life.

People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that,
when the time came, he did not want his name on his
tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put
on the tombstone,
"Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because
everyone that looked at his tombstone said,
"Wow! That's Amazing!"





Click through the picture for full size
Got the lense cap off this time?

More pictures of this bobcat on top of a saguaro are here.


 



Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the
past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of
them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

He says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that
girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a
coward!"

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than
dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she
say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on
macaroni and would rather shit her pants."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Q: How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 2: one to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
   room spins.



A drunk was sitting at the bar when he suddenly jumped up 
and yelled, "All politicians are assholes!" 

Hearing this, the guy sitting across from him quickly stood up 
and said, "Hey buddy, I resent that!" 

"Why, are you a politician?" the drunk asked.
 
"No," replied the guy, "I'm an asshole!"




	 Trivia

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 12

The response to my quick remark about dandylion salad was
VERY surprising! Osama, Obama, Gadafi, Hillary and Piglosi 
together didn't raise half as many letters. If each letter had
been accompanied with a dollar donation, I would be eating 
meat the rest of the week!

Nah, I wouldn't. I would invest in that Aquaponics, that
Dear Webby mentions on his newsletter. The concept makes
perfect sense and would be great for somebody with limited
space and short growing seasons or limited time.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been
invited to. "I rang the bell and the butler opened the door."
he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know it was the butler?"
"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it
was definitely not the maid."



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 The farm had been mortgaged, reluctantly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." 

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your 
Maw and I made to give you a good education, 
you still say AIN'T!"





Click through the picture for full size
Stewart Island – Halfmoon Bay, NZ
 


 A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a
midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat
on me again!"

"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said, "Can't
you see I'm tapering off!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he
emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and
down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"



A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to
buy a bra for his wife.

The Clerk said, "Here are several styles to
choose from, sir."

Drunk: "This one will do the job!"

Clerk: "Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?"

Drunk: "7-1/2

Clerk: "I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a
standard listing of manufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from
those."

Drunk: "7-1/2."

Clerk: "There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer
to help."

Drunk: "Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!"

Clerk: "But, sir--"

Drunk: "7-1/2, Goddammit!!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps you can tell me how you measured?
What did you use?"

Drunk: "My hat!"



	 Loony Faces

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 11

Did you know that the leaves of dandylions, before they 
produce flowers, make pretty good salad? Mix them with 
some minced onion, sprinkle some vinegar over it and
toss. Taskes quite good, and that way even I can afford
gren salad!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Perils of Duct Tape!!!!!!
Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT
good for fixing everything.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend
Paul slumped over the bar.  He walks over
and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful
girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally
plucked up the courage to ask her out, and
she agreed."

"That's great!  says Jeff.  "When are you
going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues
Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection
again.  So I got some duct tape and taped
my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

Sensible" says Jeff "So I get to her door,"
says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.  She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress
you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked myself in the head."



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With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker
than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked,
"What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy, I'm
afraid she's cheating on us."





Click through the picture for full size

 



After doing the laundry, Lena folded Ole's underwear and 
put them in his dresser. The following morning, Ole took out 
a pair. Shaking the powder out, he grumbled, "Doggone it, 
Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my 
underwear." 

Grinning sheepishly, Lena replied, "Oh, Ole, that's not 
powder…..it's Miracle-Gro!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told
that I have a body just like New Jersey." 

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?" 
She replies, "This is Middlesex." 

He grabs her butt and asks "What's this? "

She replies "Freehold." Then he grabs her breasts and asks 
"What's this?" 

She replies "Point Pleasant." 

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, 
"I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown." 

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants 
and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!" 



Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy &
Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they
decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did
just that. 

Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What were
Nancy & Betty wearing?" 

"I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needs ironing!"



	 Morbid Sculptures