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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 13
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Sarah wanted a dishwasher, but Abe tried to delay, until
he could get a used one or a discount somewhere. Paying
full retail was definitely against his religion. This had been
going on for a few years,and finally Sarah got fed up and
asked her rabbi about what to do.

He told her to go to the yard sale down the street, where his
wife was selling picture frames.
(for only twice as much as they cost her at Ikea.)
He told Sarah to purchase one and make sure she had $19.95
left over when she came back.

She did.
He held out his hand for the $19.95, and the picture frame,
then got busy inserting the verse he had artfully penned
on parchment in the meantime:


Click through for large high-res printable size. 

Sarah got a diswasher a day after she hung up that verse.




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In days past, children were given names that sound strange
to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy
was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life.

People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that,
when the time came, he did not want his name on his
tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put
on the tombstone,
"Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because
everyone that looked at his tombstone said,
"Wow! That's Amazing!"





Click through the picture for full size
Got the lense cap off this time?

More pictures of this bobcat on top of a saguaro are here.


 



Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the
past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of
them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

He says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that
girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a
coward!"

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than
dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she
say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on
macaroni and would rather shit her pants."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Q: How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 2: one to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
   room spins.



A drunk was sitting at the bar when he suddenly jumped up 
and yelled, "All politicians are assholes!" 

Hearing this, the guy sitting across from him quickly stood up 
and said, "Hey buddy, I resent that!" 

"Why, are you a politician?" the drunk asked.
 
"No," replied the guy, "I'm an asshole!"




	 Trivia

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 12

The response to my quick remark about dandylion salad was
VERY surprising! Osama, Obama, Gadafi, Hillary and Piglosi 
together didn't raise half as many letters. If each letter had
been accompanied with a dollar donation, I would be eating 
meat the rest of the week!

Nah, I wouldn't. I would invest in that Aquaponics, that
Dear Webby mentions on his newsletter. The concept makes
perfect sense and would be great for somebody with limited
space and short growing seasons or limited time.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been
invited to. "I rang the bell and the butler opened the door."
he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know it was the butler?"
"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it
was definitely not the maid."



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 The farm had been mortgaged, reluctantly, to give daughter a college
education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the
train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,
"I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." 

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your 
Maw and I made to give you a good education, 
you still say AIN'T!"





Click through the picture for full size
Stewart Island – Halfmoon Bay, NZ
 


 A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a
midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat
on me again!"

"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said, "Can't
you see I'm tapering off!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A naive couple got married and celebrated their first night together
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again - but with the lights off.

Morning came, the groom went to the bathroom but found no towel when he
emerged from the shower.

He asked his wife to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the
door, she saw his naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and
down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"



A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to
buy a bra for his wife.

The Clerk said, "Here are several styles to
choose from, sir."

Drunk: "This one will do the job!"

Clerk: "Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?"

Drunk: "7-1/2

Clerk: "I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a
standard listing of manufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from
those."

Drunk: "7-1/2."

Clerk: "There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer
to help."

Drunk: "Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!"

Clerk: "But, sir--"

Drunk: "7-1/2, Goddammit!!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps you can tell me how you measured?
What did you use?"

Drunk: "My hat!"



	 Loony Faces

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 11

Did you know that the leaves of dandylions, before they 
produce flowers, make pretty good salad? Mix them with 
some minced onion, sprinkle some vinegar over it and
toss. Taskes quite good, and that way even I can afford
gren salad!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Perils of Duct Tape!!!!!!
Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT
good for fixing everything.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend
Paul slumped over the bar.  He walks over
and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful
girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got
an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally
plucked up the courage to ask her out, and
she agreed."

"That's great!  says Jeff.  "When are you
going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues
Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection
again.  So I got some duct tape and taped
my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

Sensible" says Jeff "So I get to her door,"
says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.  She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress
you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked myself in the head."



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With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker
than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked,
"What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy boy, I'm
afraid she's cheating on us."





Click through the picture for full size

 



After doing the laundry, Lena folded Ole's underwear and 
put them in his dresser. The following morning, Ole took out 
a pair. Shaking the powder out, he grumbled, "Doggone it, 
Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my 
underwear." 

Grinning sheepishly, Lena replied, "Oh, Ole, that's not 
powder…..it's Miracle-Gro!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told
that I have a body just like New Jersey." 

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?" 
She replies, "This is Middlesex." 

He grabs her butt and asks "What's this? "

She replies "Freehold." Then he grabs her breasts and asks 
"What's this?" 

She replies "Point Pleasant." 

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, 
"I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown." 

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants 
and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!" 



Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy &
Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they
decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did
just that. 

Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What were
Nancy & Betty wearing?" 

"I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needs ironing!"



	 Morbid Sculptures

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 10




Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 






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A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the
boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he
needed glasses. Finally, he bought himself a pair and his game improved
100%. Back in the clubroom they were talking over a few beers.

"You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.

"You're right, I look down and the ball's as big as a basketball, just
can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go
to the toilet, be back in a minute."

When he came back, all the front of his trousers were wet.

"Gee, what happened to you?" his mates asked.

"Don't know," he replied, "got in there, pulled it out and it looked too
big for mine, so I put it back!"





Click through the picture for full size

 



An elderly spinster called the police one day to report that 
her neighbour was exposing himself. "Oh dear," she 
continued, "there he is as bold as can be taking a shower 
with his window shades up." 

A squad car arrived immediately with hopes of catching the 
culprit in the act. The spinster showed the policeman into 
her bedroom and pointed out the window, "See what I mean, 
officer?" 

Scratching his head, the officer said, "Ma'am, the only 
thing I see is the top of his head above his window sill." 

"Well, you silly fool, you have to get up on that dresser 
over there!" she exclaimed.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, 
didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police 
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, 
including the young woman. 

The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a 
straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing 
by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped 
and asked her what she was lining up for. 

Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the 
granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out 
free oranges and she was lining up for some. 

"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma 
said, as she made her way to the back of the line. 

A policeman went down the line, questioning all the 
prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very 
bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you 
do it?" 

"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures 
and suck them dry!"



Two people working in a shoe factory were talking.
"I know how to get some time off," said the man.

"How are you going to do that?" asked the woman.

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.

The foreman came by and asked, "What are you doing up there?" 

"I'm a light bulb," replied the man. 

"I think you need some time off," said the foreman, and the man 
walked out of the factory. 

A few seconds afterwards, the woman started following him out. 
"Where do you think you're going," the foreman asked her. 

"I can't work in the dark," she replied



	 Swimming Tiger

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 9

Winter is finally over. We got the first warm rain of the year. 
Time to sharpen the edge on my hockey stick. If I can 
decapitate the dandylions in between mowing, they will
usually give up and and act like they had let me win.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic
pal seated next to him in the bar. 

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where 
she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her 
sister, Shirley." 

"So?" the friend replied. 

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"



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A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said, "Damn!, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again,. "Damn!, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swung and missed again.
"Damn!, I missed."

A terrible rumble was heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning
came out of the sky and struck Sister Marie dead in her
tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.........
"Damn!, I missed."





Come on, let him get off with a warning about the helmet law!

 



A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason, the mother 
was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. 
"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and 
cleaned and fed the five kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day, you 
don't even tell me so much as "thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a 
Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly 
couple booked the honeymoon suite at a posh hotel. 

As the bellboy was taking their luggage to the suite, he 
thought to himself, "At their age, they're booking the 
honeymoon suite. What a laugh!" 

That night, he decided to spy on them, so he sat in the 
lobby opposite their suite. All night long, all he heard 
was giggling and clapping coming from their room. He 
couldn't believe his ears. 

In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having 
spied on them, but being curious, he asked the husband 
how he could do what he did at his age. 

"Well," the husband replied, "it's like this. First I 
remove all my clothes and lie face up on the bed. Then 
my wife removes all her clothes. Then….." 

"Then WHAT?" the bellboy asked impatiently. 

"Grinning, the elderly husband replied, "Then my wife 
lifts up my penis with one hand and we make a bet." 

"You make a BET?" exclaimed the bellhop. "What bet?!?" 

Smirking, the husband explained, "If it falls to the 
right, I win; and if it falls to the left, she wins." 

"But, what if it doesn't fall?" asked the bellhop. 

"Then we both win!" replied the husband.



Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The
first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot". The
second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room
and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have
sexy voices and once you pop that top button..." The third man married a
school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself
"poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next
morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only
the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
---------
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's
husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas
were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened
sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry
a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're
not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk
to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
--------
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as
fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe
stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed
and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose
to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever
marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice
saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe went
back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling
any minute.

4:30 p.m.
--------
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but
quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door
and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair
was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe
fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to
marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice
saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."



	 Wormy Facts