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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 8

Happy Mother's Day !



Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is
perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."



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Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins.  When he arrived at the
church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3
years and nothing serious ever happened between us.  Yesterday, I
visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister.  We were
alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was
around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody
was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?.........  Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father,
he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.  So he
began searching for him.

"Father?  Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the
table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except
me."





click through for the big picture

Happy Mother's Day!

 



The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. 

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew 
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. 
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
these that could possibly help you sleep!" 

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. 

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one 
up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 
16 year old granddaughter drinks...And believe me, 
it helps me sleep at night.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember



Looks like Obama's rating in Kenya has improved 
and the sign is up again, for now.





	 Air Show

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 7

From people, who keep track of these things, the White House 
has so far revised the account of Bin Laden's assassination
35 (thirty five) times. Probably 40, by the time you read this.

The unarmed nurse nurse, who initially had been shot for being 
in the way, got edited right out of the story. 

In revision numbers divisible by 5, Bin Laden was armed, and 
in revisions with numbers divisible by 7, Bin Laden got killed
by a dog.

If they keep changing the story, pretty soon it was all just
a computer simulation, and Bin Laden had actually died
seven years ago, when a jealous mule kicked him.

Whatever. 
About all that I know for sure, is that the credibility of the
White House teleprompter writers has fallen below zero.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Judge:         I know you,...... don't I?
Defendant:   Uh, .........yes.
Judge:         All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant:   Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge:         Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell
me.
Defendant:   Okay.  I was your bookie.



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Lawyer:       How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror:         I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer:       Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror:         That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.





click through for the big picture

There will be NO change of plans.

 



HER DIARY VS HIS DIARY.....

HER DIARY 
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made 
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with 
my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the 
fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. 

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go 
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept 
quiet and absent. 

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." 

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said 
it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. 

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply 
smiled and kept driving. 

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't 
say, "I love you, too." 

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he 
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. 

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and 
absent. 

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he 
came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress 
and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted 
and his thoughts were somewhere else. 

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided 
to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. 

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. 

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts 
are with someone else. 

My life is a disaster. 


HIS DIARY 
Today the team lost and is out of the play-offs, 
but at least I got laid.



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Judge:     Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror:     I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge:     Can't they do without you at work?
Juror:     Yes, .....but I don't want them to know it.



A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's
obvious to everyone that  they are not talking
to each other. The groom's best man takes him
aside and asks what is wrong,

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished
making love on the first night, as I got up to go
to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow
without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said
his friend "I'm sure  your wife will get over it soon
enough - she can't expect you to have  been saving
yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if
I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"



	 Muskox

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 6
Time to  wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Considering how much upheaval a few cartoons caused a few
years ago, it is strangely quiet in the Arab world about 
Bin Laden's assassination. I asked a few Arab friends. They
just shrugged and said, they had thought Bin Laden was dead
for half a dozen years, and it was not a big deal.

They consider Bin Laden a remote motivator, and like the
Pope can't be reasonably held responsible for what certain 
priests did, they don't blame any particular event on Bin Laden.
He was neither a soldier nor a planner, and his disappearance
half a dozen years ago did not really leave any gap.

It was fun, though, to occasionally pretend he was still alive,
just to rattle certain people's chain. Oh, well, they will
find something different.

Another friend, this one from Israel, pointed out that the US
is setting itself up for Nuremburg trials. Bin Laden had not 
been in any court and had not been convicted of anything 
except bitching against Israel. 

Shooting him while he was unarmed and not resisting in a 
hospital type bed, and also killing an unarmed nurse, who 
was standing in the way, that is going to be brought up again 
and again. It definitely changes the role of the US from 
International Protector and Humanitarian Dogooder to 
dangerous assassin. 

Personally, I think the Navy Seals did a great job, 
precisely as ordered, and hopefully other terrorism promoters 
will see it as a warning. 

And somebody better tell Iran and North Korea, that THEIR
seals are not welcome in Washington.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband,
driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her
explosive temper. 

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm 
broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a
blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. 

"Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got 
where she was going."



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1) What does the average Stanford University player get on his SATs?
Drool.


(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.


(3) How do you get a University of Southern California cheerleader into
your dorm room?  Grease her hips and push.


(4) How do you get a Nebraska graduate off your porch?
 Pay him for the pizza.


(5) Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
 To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.


(6) Why is the Vanderbilt football team like a opossum?
 Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.


(7) What are the longest three years of a Florida State football
player's life?  His freshman year.


(8) How many Arizona State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None . . . That's a sophomore course at ASU..


(9) Where was O. J.  headed in the white Bronco?
 Berkley, California . . . He knew that the police would never look
there for a Heisman Trophy winner.


AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....:


(10) Why did Oregon State choose orange as their team color?  You can
wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and .... picking up
trash along the highways the rest of the week.





click through for the big picture

Yes, sure I am a virgin! The whole team says so!
AND, the garter is proof!

 



7 year-old boy and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in 
their bedroom practicing their swearing. The older boy 
suggests that it is time they introduce their parents to 
their new talent. He tells his little brother, "When we go 
downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and 
you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old readily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast 
table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he 
would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year-old replies, 
"Hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts with a swift whack on the boy's 
bottom and tells him to go to his room. The boy runs 
upstairs, crying and rubbing his backside.

With a sterner voice, the mother asks her younger son what 
he would like for breakfast. The boy replies, "I don't know, 
but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"




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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.



As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak
of swine flu during the next few months. In order that you
may be on the alert for indications that you or members
of you family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus,
you should be aware of the symptoms associated with
this disease.

1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) A strong urge to screw in the mud.



	 20K Buddhas

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 5, 2011

Leroy wrote (re Walmart)
"They are sure advertising the price match here in the USA 
on the TV ads!
BTW,  Have you ever seen an associate at Walmart that 
gives a dam?"

With the Hard Drives they get around the price match by by 
assigning slightly different Walmart numbers to the items.
"We are all out of those, we only have this model, which 
has the same specs, just a different  price."

No, I have not seen anybody at Walmart, who gives a damn 
for many years, except when it comes to taking goofy 
pictures of customers, and especially getting out of the way, 
when somebody is taking pictures. A robbery barely makes 
them yawn, but the danger of a picture of them in Walmart 
clothes hitting the net, that scares the crap out of them and 
actually makes them sprint for cover.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a
friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two
women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted.

Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to
him. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother
asked. 

"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied
Johnny. 

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get
excited, Ma, I used the old one!"



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At a local high school, on their football team was a great player named
Bubba.  One night after a game his coach noticed Bubba leaving with four
girls on his arm. The coach stopped him and asked, "Bubba, how is it
that you have all of these women? Don't you ever, ya know, get tuckered
out from all of the sex?" 

Bubba tells his coach, "See, all I do is when I know I'm gonna be 
getting some, I whip it out and pound it against something like a table, 
to numb it all real good and then I can go on for hours." 

So one day, coach came home early and his wife was in the
shower. He enters the bathroom and thought, "Hey, here's my 
opportunity to try that". 

So he whips it out and starts pounding his penis on the
bathroom vanity. His wife hears this and yells out, 
"Is that you Bubba?"





click through for the big picture

Slight change of plans

 



Bubba went to a strip mall the other day.
He sure was disappointed.
Everybody else was dressed.



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but never by a doctor!"



"I have to tell the truth," a young man said to his girlfriend.
"While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist."

"Don't worry about it," the girl told her boyfriend.
"I've been secretly seeing a lawyer and a car salesman and a plumber."



	 Flying Clippers

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Had to help my neighbor get a USB hard drive. So we looked
them up on the web, and saw that Walmart had the best deal.
Checked if that model was stocked locally. Yes, no problem.

Unfortunately, when we got there, the closest to that model was
one, that was $19 more expensive.

Maryann tried to insist on the price on the print-out, that we
had brought along, but the staff didn't care. They all get fired
a day before they reach 3 months seniority, because up to 3 
months they don't need a reason for firing them, and benefits
and reasonable wages don't start until after three months.

I mnaged to drag Maryann out of the store before she threw
too much stuff on the floor.

I had also printed out what Costco had listed. Theis was 
priced exactly the same on the shelf as on their web page,
plus we got all kinds of neat food samples, hot and free.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

From Ann:
"I love it when my husband thinks I might leave him. He gets so
insecure, he does the dishes. Too bad I have to actually file divorce
papers to get him to clean the toilet"



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An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he 
sold a new car to Jill, who had previously resisted his sales 
pitch. Elated over his success, he asked her, as he was filling 
out the necessary papers, what had finally made her choose 
his car.    

"Well," Jill said, "I visited four dealers and mentioned your 
car to all of them. They all agreed on one thing - that your car 
has the fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market. 
That was good enough for me."





click through for the big picture

 



Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed
the temple where she and her family attended services.  As
she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said,
" Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."

"Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the six year
politely.  She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"

The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you 
call him Porky."

She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so 
big and fat."

Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because 
he fucks pigs."



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch 
of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get 
on my back with my legs open for the next three days". 

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the
beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?" 

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the 
sapling. The birch says, "Wood- pecker, you are a tree expert. 
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."



	 Animal Crackers