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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Congratulations Harper!

The renegades, who forced a hockey season election, even
though there was no need for an election and the general
polulation didn't want one, got skunked.

The left wing media lost credibility, and I imagine a good
number of people voted right wing, just because the media
is leaning to the left.

With a solid majority, Harper can finish fixing the economy
and lower the taxes even more. If you want to see what a
right wing government can do, compare our taxes with yours!
In Alberta, the federal GST (similar to your sales tax or VAT) 
is 5 %, I think, unless they already lowered it again. 
No provincial sales tax on top of that!

Income tax is 10-20% less than in any state of the US.
We do have medicare, a leftover from a Socialist period,
but it is slowly getting fixed.

And no more elctions for four years!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? 

One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."



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Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in
the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come
closer and speak to me!" A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I
can't. It's not my table."





click through for the big picture

 



From George
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had.  You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. 

She then asked, "What do you do about it?" 

We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" 

She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all 
day?" 

We said, "No way!" 

She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without 
having an orgasm?" 

We both said yes. At which time she says, 
"I'm going to kill my husband!"



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from 
his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too 
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist 
colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. 

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a 
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture 
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is 
really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong 
part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight 
is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his 
grandmother. It says, " Thank you for the picture. 
You do have the proper Finkelstein nose, but your
hair style you have to fix."



Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said,
"Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sam has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, 
but she gives an incredible blow-job. 

Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she 
shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over
heels anytime."



	 Continental Drift

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 2, 2011

Gadafi withdrew Government troops from Misrata and after the
only bombing and shelling there had been from rebels and 
Anti Gadafi Alliance, he called for a cease fire. In response to that, 
the 28 nation alliance bombed more unarmed civilian targets,
including the house of one of Gadafi's sons in  peaceful, 
rural part of Tripolis. The location of his house was not secret,
it was in every phone book.

Are they trying to make Gadafi look good by comparison?
Or are they trying to intimidate the governments of 
neighboring countries?


In spite of Obama ordering the troops to use "Courageous 
Restraint", a US military unit operating undercover in Pakistan
captured Osama Bin Laden and shortly afterwards
sent him to hell. 

Obama, acting more trumpish than wiggy Donald, 
is taking credit for accomplishing it singlehandedly, in the
rain, and uphill.

Kudos to the troops who actually did it!

I hope Pakistan is not going to get into too big a snit about it,
though I am sure they will try and milk all kinds of aid out 
of that incident.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Those of you who have ever heard native Texas girls speak,
know they're really slow talkers, unless they want something.
Usually that's not a problem.

Unless, of course, they're trying to convince some guy they're
"not that kind of girl."

See, by the time they're halfway finished talking,
-- they are pregnant.



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While on their honeymoon Judy told her new husband:
"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great.
It takes time to find the right restaurant.”





click through for the big picture

 



Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the
brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of
Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His
father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you
want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying,
"When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our
bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "He dies and
his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole
in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking
and pumping on it.
The second man tries it and the same thing happens.
When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the 
penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling, 
we are moving to another house."



Little Sue came running in from school.
"Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell,
Bobby showed us something that is six
inches long, has two nuts, and can
make me very fat!"

Gasping, the Mom said, "Sue! What on
earth did he show you?

The girl replied, "An Almond Joy!"



	 Quaker Treats

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 1, 2011

I figured I needed a bit of a treat. On my budget, that means
cleaning out the kitchen drawers and cupboards, and inventing
something, that I can cook or bake with what I found.
Well, I found about 20 rock hard raisins, that must have spilled 
years ago, and put them to soak in hot water. I also found about
a dozen chocolate chips, that had turned gray a long time ago.
And I do have a good sized bag of economy oatmeal. (It looks
like it is stretched with the conveyor sweepings of all kinds of
grains and seeds and mystery stuff,  but actually tastes 
quite OK).

OK, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies it is!
Recipe? There probably are some on the net, but I figured I
could fake it. Added more hot water to the raisins and stirred
in oatmeal. Added an egg for good measure, and some butter,
some salt and some cinnamon. That is getting low too!
Whisked everything for a while and let it rest until the 
oatmeal had absorbed most of the water.

Then I put some wax paper into a cake pan, poured the
gooey mess in there ad baked it at 425 for half an hour.

When it finally had cooled, I had an 8" x 8" oatmeal cookie,
about half an inch thick, esy to cut into little squares,
soft but chewy, and tasting just perfectly delicious!

Next time I need an oatmeal cookie recipe, I'll look it
up in my blog!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A newly wed couple went for honeymoon in a train from Delhi to 
Mumbai. Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate 
bertha. The husband told the wife, to make it easy, you just tell 
me that you want a chappati, then I 'll climb onto your berth 
and we can make love. 

So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband, 
"Darling, I want a chappati." 

The husband gets on with the task. When finished, the husband
returned to his berth. This process went for THREE TIMES, 
and the husband had no choice but to oblige his new, young 
and beautiful wife.

What a nice honeymoon! In the morning they sat in the buffet car for
breakfast. The husband asked the wife, "How was the chappati last
night?" 

The wife replied,"I liked the FOURTH chappati the best!". 

The husband was surprised and said, " I thought I gave you only
THREE chappati!" 

On the next table replied a husky sadarji, " I found
the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"



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Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one
evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking
out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is
HANGING out!"





click through for the big picture

 





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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A lady goes golfing and gets bitten by an ant.

She goes to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just
bitten by an ant on your course."

The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss?"

She responds, "between the first and second holes."

The pro thinks a second and says, "lady, if I were you, I'd narrow my
stance!"



From Ginny:
So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies 
Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she 
pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my 
friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She 
calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on 
his other butt cheek. 

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend 
pulls outa $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, 
licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt 
cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. 

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought 
for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took 
over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of 
his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.



	 Classy Old Cars

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sure did not like waking up to seeing the neighbor's garage 
wall plastered with snow and six inches of snow on it's roof.
If you have any gullible warming where you are, send some
to me, pretty please! Or at least some furnace fuel!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of 
them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, 
one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his 
crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining 
that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
 
“No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I’ll be fine...” 
he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. 

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently 
undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his 
genitals. 
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks. 

“Well... yes... That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my 
broken thumb still hurts like hell.”



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Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." 

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." 

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start 
and I have to jump on while it's still going."





click through for the big picture

Saturday morning, this is what I saw.
I would rather see blossoms on the trees!

 


All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes
all the problems.



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was
beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his charm. 

"Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about 
a quick screw?" said Bert. 

Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to
go, however you can have a look at your prize." 

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding 
sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as 
you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." 

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he 
can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament 
Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what 
your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will 
however let you have a good sniff of your prize." 

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. 
After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think 
it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"


A footwear salesman, staying at a hotel, took a fancy to the housemaid.
He offered her $25 for an hour in his room, but she replied that she
wasn't a girl like that. 

She said that when she did it, it was just for love. Now he'd put her 
off and she couldn't get passionate even if she wanted to. 

The salesman happened to mention that he was selling shoes 
and had an extremely good sample pair. The girl gave in, 
and took the salesman upstairs, where she stripped completely 
and lay back on the bed. The rep got going and was surprised 
and delighted to find the girl very responsive. 

First she wrapped her right arm around him, then her left
leg, then her left arm and then her right leg. Of course her 
enthusiasm must have been due to his skill as a lover. 

"I thought you said you couldn't get worked up." said the rep 
rather smugly. 

"I'm not, I'm just trying on the shoes."



	 Prison Inventions

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 29, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

There sure is an eerie silence in the mainstream media about the
forged birth certificate. They all should have access to experts,
or kids and grandkids, who can point out the more obvious flaws,
but either they were intimidated or bought off,
or are busy checking with their lawyers. 

Well, nobody scared me and nobody bought bought me off.
They have not even tried.

If you want access to the forgery, it is here:
Official Birth certificate

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they
had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more
intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kindness, the two
decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.

Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an
eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.

"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.

"Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and
handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red with shame.

"You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!"



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Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big 
blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold 
from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, 
what now? We've sold everything." 

The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this paddy who 
comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." 
Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, paddy comes walking 
in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me lads", 
asks paddy, "what have ya for sale today?" 

One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on 
arseholes!" 

Paddy says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only 
got two left!"






 


A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and
left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes!



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Sherry, a not so young Nurse took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time
I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then
afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit screwing 
young doctors?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."


A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I
don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy
anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up
a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great
sex, any way she wants it... she'll probably be
thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well?
Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the
forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in
an hour!!'"



	 Private Islands