|     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 1, 2011

I figured I needed a bit of a treat. On my budget, that means
cleaning out the kitchen drawers and cupboards, and inventing
something, that I can cook or bake with what I found.
Well, I found about 20 rock hard raisins, that must have spilled 
years ago, and put them to soak in hot water. I also found about
a dozen chocolate chips, that had turned gray a long time ago.
And I do have a good sized bag of economy oatmeal. (It looks
like it is stretched with the conveyor sweepings of all kinds of
grains and seeds and mystery stuff,  but actually tastes 
quite OK).

OK, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies it is!
Recipe? There probably are some on the net, but I figured I
could fake it. Added more hot water to the raisins and stirred
in oatmeal. Added an egg for good measure, and some butter,
some salt and some cinnamon. That is getting low too!
Whisked everything for a while and let it rest until the 
oatmeal had absorbed most of the water.

Then I put some wax paper into a cake pan, poured the
gooey mess in there ad baked it at 425 for half an hour.

When it finally had cooled, I had an 8" x 8" oatmeal cookie,
about half an inch thick, esy to cut into little squares,
soft but chewy, and tasting just perfectly delicious!

Next time I need an oatmeal cookie recipe, I'll look it
up in my blog!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A newly wed couple went for honeymoon in a train from Delhi to 
Mumbai. Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate 
bertha. The husband told the wife, to make it easy, you just tell 
me that you want a chappati, then I 'll climb onto your berth 
and we can make love. 

So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband, 
"Darling, I want a chappati." 

The husband gets on with the task. When finished, the husband
returned to his berth. This process went for THREE TIMES, 
and the husband had no choice but to oblige his new, young 
and beautiful wife.

What a nice honeymoon! In the morning they sat in the buffet car for
breakfast. The husband asked the wife, "How was the chappati last
night?" 

The wife replied,"I liked the FOURTH chappati the best!". 

The husband was surprised and said, " I thought I gave you only
THREE chappati!" 

On the next table replied a husky sadarji, " I found
the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one
evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking
out!"

Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is
HANGING out!"





click through for the big picture

 





For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A lady goes golfing and gets bitten by an ant.

She goes to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just
bitten by an ant on your course."

The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss?"

She responds, "between the first and second holes."

The pro thinks a second and says, "lady, if I were you, I'd narrow my
stance!"



From Ginny:
So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies 
Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she 
pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my 
friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She 
calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on 
his other butt cheek. 

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend 
pulls outa $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, 
licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt 
cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. 

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought 
for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took 
over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of 
his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.



	 Classy Old Cars

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sure did not like waking up to seeing the neighbor's garage 
wall plastered with snow and six inches of snow on it's roof.
If you have any gullible warming where you are, send some
to me, pretty please! Or at least some furnace fuel!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of 
them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, 
one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his 
crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining 
that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
 
“No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I’ll be fine...” 
he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. 

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently 
undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his 
genitals. 
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks. 

“Well... yes... That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my 
broken thumb still hurts like hell.”



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." 

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." 

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start 
and I have to jump on while it's still going."





click through for the big picture

Saturday morning, this is what I saw.
I would rather see blossoms on the trees!

 


All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes
all the problems.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was
beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his charm. 

"Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about 
a quick screw?" said Bert. 

Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to
go, however you can have a look at your prize." 

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding 
sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as 
you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." 

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he 
can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament 
Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what 
your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will 
however let you have a good sniff of your prize." 

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. 
After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think 
it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"


A footwear salesman, staying at a hotel, took a fancy to the housemaid.
He offered her $25 for an hour in his room, but she replied that she
wasn't a girl like that. 

She said that when she did it, it was just for love. Now he'd put her 
off and she couldn't get passionate even if she wanted to. 

The salesman happened to mention that he was selling shoes 
and had an extremely good sample pair. The girl gave in, 
and took the salesman upstairs, where she stripped completely 
and lay back on the bed. The rep got going and was surprised 
and delighted to find the girl very responsive. 

First she wrapped her right arm around him, then her left
leg, then her left arm and then her right leg. Of course her 
enthusiasm must have been due to his skill as a lover. 

"I thought you said you couldn't get worked up." said the rep 
rather smugly. 

"I'm not, I'm just trying on the shoes."



	 Prison Inventions

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 29, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

There sure is an eerie silence in the mainstream media about the
forged birth certificate. They all should have access to experts,
or kids and grandkids, who can point out the more obvious flaws,
but either they were intimidated or bought off,
or are busy checking with their lawyers. 

Well, nobody scared me and nobody bought bought me off.
They have not even tried.

If you want access to the forgery, it is here:
Official Birth certificate

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they
had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more
intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kindness, the two
decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.

Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an
eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.

"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.

"Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and
handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red with shame.

"You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!


(They will receive a confirmation request)


Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big 
blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold 
from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, 
what now? We've sold everything." 

The other replies, "Don't worry, there's this paddy who 
comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." 
Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, paddy comes walking 
in, hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me lads", 
asks paddy, "what have ya for sale today?" 

One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on 
arseholes!" 

Paddy says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only 
got two left!"






 


A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and
left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Sherry, a not so young Nurse took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time
I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then
afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit screwing 
young doctors?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."


A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I
don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy
anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up
a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great
sex, any way she wants it... she'll probably be
thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well?
Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the
forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in
an hour!!'"



	 Private Islands

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, April 28, 2011

Thank you, Dwayne!

While looking for material for the top part here, I saw this 
little video of Trump congratulating himself for getting Obama 
to fork over a birth certificate. He made it sound like he
slayed a mighty dragon, and did it all by himself.

Well, chubby wiggy, the birth certificate, that they put onto 
the White House site, is a klutzy forgery, a sloppy fake.
If you go to the White House site, look at it, hold down CTRL
and zoom it with the mouse wheel, it becomes VERY obvious.

I doubt it will make much difference. Facts don't mean anything
to him.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at 
Christmas time ? 

Because they were originally meant for children, 
but the father wants to play with them.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


How do you get 50 sweet little old ladies
to say the F word?

Get another sweet little old lady to yell "BINGO!"




Cat Starter

 


One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down 
to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had 
never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a 
bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog 
called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are 
the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both 
three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a 
minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the 
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his 
wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately 
put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the 
rabbit, wasting his wish like that. 

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that 
all the bears in the next forest were female as well." 
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it 
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit 
was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have 
asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish 
the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all 
the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit 
grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear 
was gay."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A farmer, concerned that his horse had not had experienced a bowel
movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very
large suppository.

The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the
animal's rectum.  The farmer returned home, went to the barn and
systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the
designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, the farmer exclaimed: "Listen
horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I am going to stick this
thing up your ass!"



I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My 
mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the 
refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a 
risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but 
scantily-clad young woman. 

"Mom, what's this?" I asked. 

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she 
answered. 

"Is it working?" I asked. 

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but 
your dad has gained 20!"



	 Seaweed and Kelp

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Are you web literate and advanced enough, 
so that you could handle a web site? 
Or do you know anybody, who is?

I can host the site and do the design, and even make it
look like you designed it! 

Welcome to the wit and wisdom of 

When a site is set up properly, it is easy to maintain
and update and expand. Once you are comfortable goofing
around with it, it is not just a flood proof back-up of your
family's picture albums, you can use it to sell or share
anything you want.

By now you definitely know me, and would not be dealing with
a stranger, or worse yet, an inlaw.  

Yes, definitely don't get any inlaws involved in YOUR site.
They will just tell you what THEY think is good for you, 
and it won't be fun for you. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated 
next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at 
the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking 
off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and 
announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, 
the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess 
then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He 
replied, "Oh No! thank you. I would rather be raped
by a brazen hussy than drink alcohol".

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic 
to the air-hostess said, "Sorry, Madam, I did not know 
there was a choice."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned 
to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it 
comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy. 

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was 
able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

 "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night 
 before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."  He answered. 
 "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."






Tough signs in Russia!

 


An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died 
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the 
Texan, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and 
nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then there was a 
beautiful light, and then the Californian and the Scot and I were standing 
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were 
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and
the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the 
other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Californian was waiting for the government to pay for his."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a
bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of
it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing, 
then storms out of there.

The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse. 
She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he 
stiffed her on the tab and tip.

So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his
head buried between the prostitute's legs.

"LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl
of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth 
full of em!"

He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and 
says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a 
noodle in here I ain't payin' for this either!"


A 25 year old male with ED from fears & anxiety was given 
Viagra to reverse the ED. When he came back for follow up 
and he was asked, how the Viagra was working.

"Great" he said..."But I found something that works even better.
I got a new girlfriend who doesn't make me feel scared!"



	 Brain Buckets