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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 31

Winter seems to be over even here. Time to get busy with
planting stuff.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Q: Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
A: They go straight from adolescence to childhood.



A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a 
fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went 
inside and sat down. 

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you 
are the father of two children." 

"That's what you think", said the man scornfully. I'm the father of 
THREE children." 

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" 



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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too
far from the stage.  He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I
have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I'll give
you a nice tip." 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands 
the usher a quarter.  

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, 
"The wife did it."




Click through for the large version

 



A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as
they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too
personal.

Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went
to Herrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the
panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following
note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any
in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen
the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that
helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks
and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



The Pope made a decision to grant absolution to three 
sinners. 

The first person before him was Howard Stern. "What is your 
sin?" asked the Pope. "I have offended people all over the 
country," replied Howard. 

"Kneel down," replied the Pope. "I shall bless you and 
grant you absolution." 

Next before him was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" asked 
the Pope. "I have cheated on my wife," Bill answered.
 
"Kneel down," said the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant 
you absolution." 

The third sinner was then before the Pope. "What is your 
name?" he asked. "Monica Lewinsky." 

"Perhaps it would be best if you remain standing!" the 
Pope said.



	Caught Dead

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, May 0

In the US, it is Memorial Day.
No, I won't get preachy. 
Sunday was a glorious, sunny day, and Monday looks like
it will be just as nice. Time to do some weeding in my
little garden.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

The reporter met the plane that brought back soldiers
from Iraq. He wanted to write a human interest story, and
asked one soldier,
"What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "Spend an hour in bed
with my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and
asked, "Oh. Well, and what will you do after that ?"
"Take off these stupid combat boots!"



A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her
swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the
back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to
both of them since their relationship had been purely
platonic up to that point anyway. They decided to walk
together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where
certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the
problem.
Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German
Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.



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A father asks his 10-year-old son if  he knows about the birds and the
bees. 

"I  don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!" 

Confused, the father  asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was  six, I got the 'There's no Santa'
speech.  

At seven, I got the  'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I
was eight, you  hit me with the 

'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that 
grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left  to live for."




Click through for the large version

 



"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when
I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I
can't see a thing." 

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well 
have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the
researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, 
I should like to have a look at it." 

So the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A zookeeper, making his rounds late one night, saw a light coming from
the gorilla cage. Looking in, he saw the gorilla reading 2 books: in one
hand he had the Holy Bible, and in the other he had Darwin's Origin of
Species. The zookeeper asked the gorilla, "What are you doing reading
those particular books?" 

"Well," said the gorilla, "I'm trying to decide
if I'm my brother's keeper, 
or my keeper's brother!"



	Kite Flying Fotos

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 29

In a way I am glad, that the rainy weather is rather cold. 
If it wasn't, all the big snow still on the mountains, would 
melt too suddenly and cause a lot of grief down South.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who
had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.
The missionary soon rectified the situation by baptizing
everyone. He also married every beaming couple that
walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the missionary the tribe had
never had so much fun.

The missionary asked the chief which part they enjoyed 
the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.
"We all got new wives...!"



The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed
bachelor for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the
one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll
meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at
home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"



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When the family car developed a slight knock, Leroy
asked his Betty-Sue she had bought prmium or regular gas,
but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could
account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

"It cost the same as always." said the wife.
"I told him to put in the usual, enough for twenty dollars 
or a quickie."




Click through for the large version

When my cousin, Tom, was at the police academy, prior to joining
Chicago's finest, one of his instructors asked him during an oral exam, 
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He immediately replied, with conviction,  "Call for backup." 

 



Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he 
had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said,
"but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He
wants, he says, a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask an orthodox 
virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? 
He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. 
He buys goods in the market and he sells goods.
By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't
give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



As the airliner moved back from the gate, the fight 
attendant gave the passengers the usual information 
regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she 
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, 
Judy Campbell, and crew take you safely to your 
destination." 

John, sitting in the 6th row, thought to himself, "Did I 
hear her right? Is the captain a woman? I think I better 
have a scotch and soda." 

When the flight attendant came by with the drink cart, John 
asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Is the captain a woman?" 

"That's correct, sir," she replied. "In fact, this entire 
crew is female." 

"Good Lord," said John, "I'd better have two scotch and 
sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up 
there in the cockpit." 

"That's another thing, sir," the flight attendant said. "We 
no longer call it the cockpit. It is the Box Office now."



	Saling Stones

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 28

Did I tell you, that I quit smoking shortly after Dear Webby
did? I figured, if he can do it, so can I. Some days I have 
some doubts about that. Today is one of those days.
Today definitely was NOT a good day for telemarketers 
to call me. Even the neighbors stayed away.

I had run out of Vitamin C. That made it even worse. 
I don't have a clue what the connection with Vitamin C is,
but grabbing a chewable vitamin pill instead of a cigarette
DID help me a lot.

Do any of you have a recipe for making slow candies,
that could include concentrated lemon juice and act
like Vitamin C?

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater
with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with
him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"  

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. 
"We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken
into his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and
begins to squirm.  The man unzips his pants so the chicken
can stick its head out and watch the movie.  Seated next to
him is a woman.  She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend and whispers, "Blanche, this man
over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Blanche whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...
you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Louise says, "I know, but this one's....
EATING MY POPCORN....!"



It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little 
misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."

Any simple-minded, semi-literate Austrian could have made 
the same mistake.

----------
No point asking DearWebby. What he lacks in semi-literacy, he 
makes up in simple-mindedness. Or is that single-mindedness?



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A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of 
Soho in London. 

"How much?" he asked. 
"It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart. 
"American Express?" he inquired. 
"You can go as fast as you like" she said.




Click through for the large version

Arillium and Pansys

 



Seeking the advice of a sex therapist, a woman explained 
that she had grown very tired of short term relationships 
and was finding it more and more difficult to find a man who 
was able to satisfy her. 

"Is there any way to judge the size of a man's equipment 
from the outside?" she asked. 

"There is only one foolproof way and that is by the size of 
his feet," advised the therapist. 

The woman left the therapist's office and went downtown to 
cruise the streets. Finally, she spotted a young man 
standing in an unemployment line with what appeared to be 
the biggest feet she had ever seen. She asked him out for 
the evening and after she had wined and dined him, she took 
him back to her apartment for what she hoped would be, a 
night of sheer ecstasy. 

When the man awoke in the morning, the woman had already 
left for work, but on the bedside table he found $50 and a 
note which read, "Accept this with my compliments. Please 
take it and buy yourself some shoes that fit!"




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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his 
trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said. 

A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and 
said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body." 
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation." 

And then following a pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt, 
and added, "In about an hour or so."



	Pet Therapy

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you, Kevin!
Thank you Ruby!

Still raining. It won't flood me ut, but in High River, 
a bit south of here, the river is high, as usual this time of
year. As usual, they expect the usual panic and flooding.

The town has 50,000 EMPTY sand bags, ready to be filled,
when the panic gets sufficiently high. It is an almost annual 
occurrence, but using the drunk drivers and other community
work enthusiasts to fill the sand bags in advance, that would
require more planning and thinking than is common in 
High River. They seem to enjoy getting flooded.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met
the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the
perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have
met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one
perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She
was just the right everything... I really mean that she
was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."



A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest
to discuss birth control, since they already had seven children.
The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
substitute in the eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act
and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.

The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game,
you no make-a da rules!"



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Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon,
and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to
compromise, or even listen.
He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you
promised to love, honor and obey."

Jill replied, "I know. I just didn't want to start an
argument in front of all those nice people at the wedding."




Click through for the large version


 



The two housewives were drinking coffee together.
"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed
an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache,
my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders,
then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while
kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest.
In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should
try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does he
get home?"



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are:

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. 
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well-hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, the women say, "My God!"



	Sister strikes again!