Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 29, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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The newly wed wife said to her husband when he
returned from work:
"I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to
be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and
kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest
man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way
about my mother moving in with us."


A guy goes in a bar and orders a beer. After a while
this woman walks in and sits beside
him. He smiles at her and says: "Hi. Would you like me
to buy you a drink?"

The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her
lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO F*CK ME? NO WAY!"

Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the
people are staring at the guy as the woman was
leaving.

The guy gets really embarrassed and sits still on
his stool as if nothing had happened.

After a while the same woman walks back in, approaches
him and tells him: "I'm sorry about that little
incident earlier but you see I'm a psychology graduate
and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing
situations."

The guy then yells: "WHAT? THIRTY BUCKS FOR A
BLOWJOB FROM A FLAT LIKE YOU?"

 


Bus is level, painted on ad is not

------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------

	

The greatest lovers from England, America, and France were in a
contest to determine who was the world's greatest lover.

First question was to the Englishman: "If you are on a first
date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss
her?"

Englishman: "On her lips."

Judge: "That's right."

Second question was to the American: "If you are on a second
date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss
her?"

American: "On her breasts."

Judge: "That's right."

Third question was to the Frenchman: "If you are on the third
date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss
her?"

Frenchman: "Don't ask me, I missed the first two questions."


Three women were returning to their village when they
spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of
them.

As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud
puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him
over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so
covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "You're
right, he's not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent
over to look and said, "He's not from our village."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, May 29, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was
okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that
during the first trimester they could do it normal-style,
during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and
during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.


A woman's husband died at sea, and she received his parrot
as the sole possession by which to remember him. Even though
the parrot was foul-mouthed, she put up with it for
sentimental reasons.

After several unsuccessful months trying to coerce the
parrot to change his "sailor" ways, she finally issued him
an ultimatum: "I'm having the bridge club over today, and
if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed
you to the cat!"

The parrot mulled this over and decided that he had better
start reforming lest he become kitty fare.

Later that day, the ladies started showing up.
Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish woman sat
down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was.

After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break,
and the conversation really started getting heavy. The
parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude
of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got twinges to
do something to get rid of her.

Finally, the parrot had had it and said, "Whore boat leavin'
for China at two o'clock!"

The woman looked up and said, "Well! I never!" then she
stood up and headed for the door.

Everyone was frozen in their seats, when the parrot yelled
after her, "Hey! Where are you goin'? Boat don't leave till
two!"

 


Nice shot, Sandie! Here it's snowing.

------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------

	

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man
became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to
her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he
was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So
you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his
golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole
behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his
round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady sitting at
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The
bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm
in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't," he promised.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm *still* a hole behind you."


From the Bayou
One time, oil's Thibedeaux wanted his favourite meal, blue crabs. His big
fat wife said, "Arright Thibedeaux, I tol' you wot I'm gonna do. I'm goin
down to de bay an caught you some blue crabs, cher.  An den I'm gonna fix
you de bes' boiled blue crab you eva did have."

Thibedeaux said, "Whoo, big fat wife, dat would be mo' betta dan blackberry
wine, cher!"

The next morning, Thibedeaux's big fat wife got ready to go catch some blue
crabs down at the bay.  Thibedeaux said, "Wot time you is goin to be back
home, big fat wife?"  She said "I'll be home in time to clean an cook dem
crabs for suppa, Thibedeaux."

All day long Thibedeaux waited for his big fat wife to get home. It got to
be about five o'clock, and Thibedeaux thought, "My big fat wife mus' be
catchin a big mess a dem blue crabs or she woulda been home by now." 

Then it got to be about nine o'clock and Thibedeaux's big fat wife still 
wasn't home.  
Thibedeaux thought, "Whar in de worl' be my big fat wife?"

It got to be midnight, and Thibedeaux's big fat wife was still missing, so
Thibedeaux decided to call the Sheriff. Thibedeaux said, "Sheriff, my big
fat wife wen' down to de bay to caught me some blue crabs dis mornin, but
she still not home." The Sheriff said, "OK Thibedeaux. We'll go out to fin'
yor big fat wife."

At one AM, Thibedeaux heard a knock at the door. It was the Sheriff.
Thibedeaux asked, "Sheriff, did you fin' my big fat wife?"

The Sheriff replied, "Thibedeaux, I got some bad news, 
I got some good news
an I got some great news."

Thibedeaux said, "Oh no. Gimme de bad news firs'."

The Sheriff said "Wall, Thibedeaux, we foun yor big fat wife. She dun fell
into de bay an got drown." 
Thibedeaux said "Oh my Po's oil's big fat wife."

"But you know wot?" the Sheriff went on, "We foun' twenty seven of de
biggest oil's Blue Crabs you evah saw hanging on her."

Thibedeaux said, "Oh Sheriff, data's good news, but not great news!"

The Sheriff said, "No Thibedeaux! De great news is we're going pull
her up agin in about a hour!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, May 28, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd
been invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler
opened the door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know it was the
butler?"
"Well", he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away
that he wasn't the maid."


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a
while they got to know each other so well, they
decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the
other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride
broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I
think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't
even swept together!"

 


Had a blizzard today for most of the afternoon and evening.
No Glow-Bull warming here!

------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------

	

Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, 
"How do you spell "dumb"?

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid".

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

 Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, 
"Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be tupid, 
but Darla says my dictate good.


The Army uses different language than the rest of us. I guess it's so things
don't sound so scary.  For example, instead of calling it an "armoured car",
they call it an "armoured personnel carrier".

Instead of "land mine" it is called an "antipersonnel device".

And they don't have "earthquakes" in the army; they are referred to as
"personnel vibrators".



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 27, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time 
for her to get a boob job.  She asked me to go with her.

Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.

One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"


One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very
roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened
to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in
the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "Hmmm, I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on
the third floor."

 



------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------

	

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad
accident. He sees that a man and a woman are dead due to a
car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation, but
he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms
at him as if to say something. The cop yells, "Hey monkey,
do you know what happened?"

Monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some
kind

Cop: They were drinking?

Monkey: (Nods head vigorously)

Cop: What else?

Monkey: (Mimes smoking a joint)

Cop: They were smoking dope?

Monkey: (Nods head vigorously)

Cop: There must have been more. This is a very strange
accident. Monkey! What else?

Monkey: (Mimics sexual relations)

Cop: They were screwing?

Monkey: (Nods very vigorously)

Cop: This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What
were you doing to know all this?

Monkey: (Makes motion as if he were driving and looking
behind him).


An Army sergeant and a Navy chief are side by side at the urinals. The
sergeant finishes first and goes to the sink to wash up. Then the chief
finishes, and starts heading straight for the door.

The sergeant calls to him , and says "Hey Chief, in the army they taught us
to wash our hands after taking a p*ss."

The chief just chuckles to himself and says "Well that's real good Sarge,
but in the navy, they taught is not to p*ss on our hands!"


Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?"

Donna: "Nooo! What happened?"

Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. 
He went straight from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

While making her rounds, the Head Nurse
noticed a young female patient missing.
Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's
the patient in 340?"
"Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was
complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed
with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that
high fever."


Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Southern
Women are the prettiest," one of them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they
don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

 





The boss at the pub went up to the bartender
and asked, "Have you been fooling around with
the waitress?!"
 "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the
bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, in that case then,
YOU fire her!"


If you enjoy watching movies now and then, here is a neat 
link that DearWebby gave me: Legit Movies
They are not pirated movies from infected file sharing clubs,
but legitimate downloads directly from the distributor. 
Naturally, legitimate movies are not free, but you can get
25 titles of your choice for under $30 or 50 for $34.95.
If somebody blows a fuse and the download is interrupted,
it's no problem. You can download again and again, since
you boy the rights to the title, not a number of downloads.

Or you can get two years of rights to download an unlimited 
amount of titles for under $40.

No shipping costs, no hassles, and it's not a recurring fee.
You simply buy it, and that's it. Sure, you can buy another
two years, if you want to, but you are not locked in.
Chances are that in two years you download enough movies
to last you for the rest of your life anyway.

Best of all, it is NOT from dubious file sharing sites, 
and you don't need special programs or relax your security.
So, Go for it! Legit Movies


From Tania
  I had run across the term cyber sex a few
times lately, so I decided to try to figure
out what it meant. I figured it had something
to do with the computer, so I started trying
to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on
the My Computer section, the add/uninstall
software, install hardware part of the control
panel then I got out all the manuals and went
through them. I finally came to the conclusion
that my  computer is not equipped with one.

So I decided to go to the computer store and
see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent
and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a
rather stern looking  woman. I gave her the make
and model of my computer and asked her if  she
had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled
at me and asked me  if I was trying to get smart
with her, figuring she had been  impressed with
my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with
everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that
she couldn't help  me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the
make and model of my computer and asked if
they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of
snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive.
I thought about it for a  minute and told him yeah,
maybe that, but I think I should already  have one
installed. He started laughing at me said something
about me  trying to kill him. "You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard
to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't
even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me
if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him
I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off
the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something
about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon,
that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like,
"boob" under his  breath and walked away. Wonder
why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they
must not carry them in stores maybe have to order
from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could
help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it
then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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