Good Morning 
It's Thursday, May 27, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia

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When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time 
for her to get a boob job.  She asked me to go with her.

Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.

One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"


One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very
roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened
to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in
the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "Hmmm, I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on
the third floor."

 



------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------

	

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad
accident. He sees that a man and a woman are dead due to a
car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation, but
he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms
at him as if to say something. The cop yells, "Hey monkey,
do you know what happened?"

Monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some
kind

Cop: They were drinking?

Monkey: (Nods head vigorously)

Cop: What else?

Monkey: (Mimes smoking a joint)

Cop: They were smoking dope?

Monkey: (Nods head vigorously)

Cop: There must have been more. This is a very strange
accident. Monkey! What else?

Monkey: (Mimics sexual relations)

Cop: They were screwing?

Monkey: (Nods very vigorously)

Cop: This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What
were you doing to know all this?

Monkey: (Makes motion as if he were driving and looking
behind him).


An Army sergeant and a Navy chief are side by side at the urinals. The
sergeant finishes first and goes to the sink to wash up. Then the chief
finishes, and starts heading straight for the door.

The sergeant calls to him , and says "Hey Chief, in the army they taught us
to wash our hands after taking a p*ss."

The chief just chuckles to himself and says "Well that's real good Sarge,
but in the navy, they taught is not to p*ss on our hands!"


Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?"

Donna: "Nooo! What happened?"

Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. 
He went straight from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

While making her rounds, the Head Nurse
noticed a young female patient missing.
Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's
the patient in 340?"
"Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was
complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed
with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that
high fever."


Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Southern
Women are the prettiest," one of them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they
don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

 





The boss at the pub went up to the bartender
and asked, "Have you been fooling around with
the waitress?!"
 "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the
bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, in that case then,
YOU fire her!"


If you enjoy watching movies now and then, here is a neat 
link that DearWebby gave me: Legit Movies
They are not pirated movies from infected file sharing clubs,
but legitimate downloads directly from the distributor. 
Naturally, legitimate movies are not free, but you can get
25 titles of your choice for under $30 or 50 for $34.95.
If somebody blows a fuse and the download is interrupted,
it's no problem. You can download again and again, since
you boy the rights to the title, not a number of downloads.

Or you can get two years of rights to download an unlimited 
amount of titles for under $40.

No shipping costs, no hassles, and it's not a recurring fee.
You simply buy it, and that's it. Sure, you can buy another
two years, if you want to, but you are not locked in.
Chances are that in two years you download enough movies
to last you for the rest of your life anyway.

Best of all, it is NOT from dubious file sharing sites, 
and you don't need special programs or relax your security.
So, Go for it! Legit Movies


From Tania
  I had run across the term cyber sex a few
times lately, so I decided to try to figure
out what it meant. I figured it had something
to do with the computer, so I started trying
to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on
the My Computer section, the add/uninstall
software, install hardware part of the control
panel then I got out all the manuals and went
through them. I finally came to the conclusion
that my  computer is not equipped with one.

So I decided to go to the computer store and
see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent
and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a
rather stern looking  woman. I gave her the make
and model of my computer and asked her if  she
had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled
at me and asked me  if I was trying to get smart
with her, figuring she had been  impressed with
my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with
everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that
she couldn't help  me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the
make and model of my computer and asked if
they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of
snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive.
I thought about it for a  minute and told him yeah,
maybe that, but I think I should already  have one
installed. He started laughing at me said something
about me  trying to kill him. "You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard
to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't
even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me
if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him
I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off
the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something
about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon,
that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like,
"boob" under his  breath and walked away. Wonder
why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they
must not carry them in stores maybe have to order
from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could
help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it
then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man walked into a bar with his
alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer,
and my' gator will have a lawyer."


A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand;
the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her
breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all
about.

The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride
is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus
was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if
the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the
ballpark...'

The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left
the bus?'

The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!

 





A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she
says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color
the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled. "Why don't
you know what color the child is going to be?" he asked.

"Well," says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno
actress and the child was conceived during the making of a
film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK," says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but your request
is pretty unusual."

As the baby is being born, the doctor says, "Here comes the
head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted.
Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor, there was a Chinese actor," says the woman.

"Wait," says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and
they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor, there was a black actor," says the woman.

"Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of
the actors Hispanic?"

"Yes, doctor, there was a Hispanic actor," says the woman.

The doctor pulls the baby free and gives it a traditional
slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh,"
and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!" says the woman. "For a moment
there, I expected it to bark!"


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and  complained
bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the
widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover rather than the big shit he always was.


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark and crept into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest,
would you go down to the all-night drugstore on the next
block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drugstore.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. "Say,"
said the druggist, "I know you -- Aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the
fire chief?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 23, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man was driving down a quiet country
lane when a rooster strayed ran out onto the
road. Whack! The rooster disappeared
under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken,
the man pulled over at the farmhouse and
rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I
killed your rooster, please allow me to
replace him."
"Better get busy." the farmer replied, "There
are 100 hens waiting at the back of the
barn."


One day, a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her
origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God
sent you, honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and
dads, too?"

"Yes, honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're
telling me there's been no sex in this family for over
200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

 





A priest gets a flat tire fixed.
As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to
the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"

The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's business."

The priest says, "You better give them another turn."


George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show and bragged that
despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a
night.

After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too
forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go
back to my place."

So they went back to her place and had great sex.

Afterwards, George said, "If you think that was good, let
me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand
and my penis in your right hand." She agreed.

He slept for a half hour, awoke, and they had even better
sex.

George said, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me
sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again,
hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your
right hand."

Oprah said, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding
your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

George replied, "No, but it stops the wallet walking out
of my jacket over there."


A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping
when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning,
the wife, drowsy from sleeping, went to the toilet for the
morning's relief and neglected to notice that the seat was
up. When she went to sit down, she kept going. She was just
the right size and shape so that she became jammed in the
toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in
front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next
hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process,
they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked
and still stuck with a particular part of her anatomy
prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber despite the
embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber
arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking
to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was
exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking
fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing
he could think of, his yarmulke, over his wife's exposed
privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look,
and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy,
but the Rabbi is a goner."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, May 23, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking
buddies who worked as  airplane mechanics in
Gander, NFLD. (Canadian North East Coast!)

One day the airport  was  fogged  in and  they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud
said, "Man,  I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know,  I've heard you can
drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of
high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised
at how  good he feels.  In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects.  Nothing!  Then
the phone rings...

It's Jim.  Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says,
"I feel great, too. You don't have a  hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover,
nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in TORONTO!!!"


A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from
the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I
sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your
Grandma's idea."

 





A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and 
surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday 
night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her
daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about 
what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that 
without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? 
Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet
my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the 
mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a 
big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, 
animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an 
upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth 
on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, You Idiot. . .
I said RICH doctor!"


Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming,
"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?  I canna
button me pants."

"Oh Angus ...  I've got me hands in the bowl, kneading the bread dough. 
Go up the stairs and  see if Mrs.  MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and
the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose 
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, 
"My god, what happened to ya?  Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus.  "I asked her to sew on the wee button 
an she did.
Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off 
the wee thread,
Mr.  MacDonald walked in."


There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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