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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 19, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, the butcher's voice boomed over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store." We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." 
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drive today, Dumbass." An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote me and said that he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "He didn't sign his name!" Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." He says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "I quit drinking, but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, May 18, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
====Thanks to Win Li for this one A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you fwighten... I pwomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wanna beef with bloccolli?" Teacher: "What is used as a conductor of electricity?" Johnny: "Why...er?" Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?" Johnny: "The what? " Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the Watt. Now class, I want you all to study just as diligently as Johnny did!" 
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $15,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just don't want to take that chance! An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no you can not." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bulls into the pasture. As the bulls rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show them thy damned paper!" Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby"? The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, May 17, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Sam, a business man was driving home after a long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said,"Will you give me a ride to Denver sir?" Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here." "No sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I promise." The businessman was reluctant,but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that that everything was fine; not to worry. Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of......" "What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked. "Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said. "Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked. "The left side," Sam said with a smile. "Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better speed up, or she will pass you and the rope will turn your car sideways." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife." 
Alfred makes sure nobody sneaks into my car,
when I leave the windows open.
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad. Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin' all right. Indian: [Extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Dog: Yep Cowboy: How's he treating you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: [look of disbelief] Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going? Horse: Cool. Indian: [extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Horse: Yep Cowboy: How's he treating you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: [total look of amazement] Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lies! Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up, the second admits to gambling his wages away, and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish. The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin, but refuses to name who he has committed adultery with. The priest asks him, "Was it Mrs. Richards?" "No father," came the reply, "I cannot tell you who it was?" "Was it Mrs. Brown?" the priest persists. "No father," he says. The priest then tells the man he is going to get one more chance to confess properly. If he doesn't, he will be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs. Maclanahan?" asks the priest. "No father," says the man. "That's it," says the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks." The man leaves the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asks the other two. "Great," he says. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!" A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!" There were dire conequences.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 16, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There were three guys that died, and to make it to heaven, they had to go up 100 flights of stairs. Each flight had a naked woman on it. They had to make it up all the stairs without getting a woody. The first guy went up, and he made it 25 flights. The naked lady asked, "What were you before you died?" and the man said, "I was a carpenter." So she hammered his dick off. The second guy went up, and he made it 50 flights. The lady asked, "What were you before you died?" and he said, "I was a wood cutter." So she sawed his dick off. Finally the third guy went up. He made it 99 flights. The naked lady asked, "What were you before you died?" He replied says, "I was making lollipops. " So she boiled his dick in sugar syrup. -- Not quite what you thought, eh? Jill was telling Mary about her first junket to Atlantic City and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunken blackjack dealer banging on the door and screaming," she recalled. "That's terrible," Mary said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let him out," Jill laughed. 
Ouch!
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female Kentuckian patient. "Until the antibiotics clean out your infection, you are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that 'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbours?" Little 5 year old Melanie rushed into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing lunch. Melanie was all excited, tugged on her mother's skirt, and looking up, says: "Mommie, can a 5 year old girl get pregnant?. The mother looks at the small child, and tells her: "Of course not, honey". She then turns back to the stove, and hears the screen door slam, her daughter runing across the porch, loudly exclaming, "It's O.K. boys, let's do it again!" A nightclub owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain the customers. After several performances, he discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of his valuables. He notified the police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, the owner called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked. "I had him arrested," the owner replied. His friend asked, "Did he drum THAT badly?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 15, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?" An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?" 
Serious Noise, I'm sure, but using a high air brake to lift
a front leg doesn't make sense to a Blonde like me.
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go piss." The other said, "I do to. Piss for me too while you are in there." The guy says, "ok" He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time. When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor. The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?" "If you had told me you had to shit, I would have pulled down my pants." Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that Government building on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase." A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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