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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, May 17, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Sam, a business man was driving home after a long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said,"Will you give me a ride to Denver sir?" Sam was amazed and said, "I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here." "No sir," the hitchhiker said. "I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I promise." The businessman was reluctant,but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that that everything was fine; not to worry. Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, "I got you, you son of......" "What is the matter?" the hitchhiker asked. "Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out," the business man said. "Is it sticking out on the left, or the right?" the hitchhiker asked. "The left side," Sam said with a smile. "Well," the hitchhiker said, "You better speed up, or she will pass you and the rope will turn your car sideways." A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife." 
Alfred makes sure nobody sneaks into my car,
when I leave the windows open.
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad. Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin' all right. Indian: [Extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Dog: Yep Cowboy: How's he treating you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: [look of disbelief] Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going? Horse: Cool. Indian: [extreme look of shock] Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian] Horse: Yep Cowboy: How's he treating you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: [total look of amazement] Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lies! Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up, the second admits to gambling his wages away, and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish. The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin, but refuses to name who he has committed adultery with. The priest asks him, "Was it Mrs. Richards?" "No father," came the reply, "I cannot tell you who it was?" "Was it Mrs. Brown?" the priest persists. "No father," he says. The priest then tells the man he is going to get one more chance to confess properly. If he doesn't, he will be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs. Maclanahan?" asks the priest. "No father," says the man. "That's it," says the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks." The man leaves the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asks the other two. "Great," he says. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!" A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!" There were dire conequences.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 16, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There were three guys that died, and to make it to heaven, they had to go up 100 flights of stairs. Each flight had a naked woman on it. They had to make it up all the stairs without getting a woody. The first guy went up, and he made it 25 flights. The naked lady asked, "What were you before you died?" and the man said, "I was a carpenter." So she hammered his dick off. The second guy went up, and he made it 50 flights. The lady asked, "What were you before you died?" and he said, "I was a wood cutter." So she sawed his dick off. Finally the third guy went up. He made it 99 flights. The naked lady asked, "What were you before you died?" He replied says, "I was making lollipops. " So she boiled his dick in sugar syrup. -- Not quite what you thought, eh? Jill was telling Mary about her first junket to Atlantic City and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunken blackjack dealer banging on the door and screaming," she recalled. "That's terrible," Mary said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let him out," Jill laughed. 
Ouch!
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female Kentuckian patient. "Until the antibiotics clean out your infection, you are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that 'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbours?" Little 5 year old Melanie rushed into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing lunch. Melanie was all excited, tugged on her mother's skirt, and looking up, says: "Mommie, can a 5 year old girl get pregnant?. The mother looks at the small child, and tells her: "Of course not, honey". She then turns back to the stove, and hears the screen door slam, her daughter runing across the porch, loudly exclaming, "It's O.K. boys, let's do it again!" A nightclub owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain the customers. After several performances, he discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of his valuables. He notified the police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, the owner called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked. "I had him arrested," the owner replied. His friend asked, "Did he drum THAT badly?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 15, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?" An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?" 
Serious Noise, I'm sure, but using a high air brake to lift
a front leg doesn't make sense to a Blonde like me.
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go piss." The other said, "I do to. Piss for me too while you are in there." The guy says, "ok" He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time. When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor. The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?" "If you had told me you had to shit, I would have pulled down my pants." Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that Government building on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase." A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 14, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it." A guy is on a business trip and he's staying in a fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She tells him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?" 
Spelling is important!
When I was at Fort Dix, N.J., for Army basic training, my father, an Air Force master sergeant, was stationed at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware. I got a weekend pass, and Dad picked me up Friday evening so we could drive home to Massachusetts. On the way, we stopped at a diner. I was wearing my dress greens, and Dad was in dress blues. The waitress looked puzzled as she took our order. "Is something wrong, ma'am?" I asked. "It's unusual to see people in different services traveling together," she explained. "That's nothing," Dad replied. "She's taking me home to sleep with her mother!" Have you seen the toothpaste commercial with the woman who's always complaining that her father, the dentist, checks her teeth every time she gets in the car. She oughta be glad her old man's not a gynecologist. As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence. 1. Catacomb I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb. 2. Foreclose If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close. 3. Rectum I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both. 4. Disappointment My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint. 5. Israel Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch is rael". 6. Undermine There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 7. Acoustic When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall. 8. Iraq When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break." 9. Stain My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?" 10. Fortify I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 13, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes. Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal." Dude #2: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that." Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before." Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks." For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!" 
The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? "Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and put it to her all night." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gonna go for a shit first anyway!" The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?" What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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