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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 13, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes. Dude #1: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal." Dude #2: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that." Dude #1: three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before." Dude #1: Looking him over: "Uh...try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks." For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!" 
The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? "Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and put it to her all night." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gonna go for a shit first anyway!" The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?" What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 12, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE * The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters. * Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?" * Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts. * Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!" * Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie. * When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married..." some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!" * Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood lately, Earl?" * Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages (smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own moonshine. * Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show. * The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem! A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount of money in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested that he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First, you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest that people put $20 in the collection plate." The following Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of $20 bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. Therefore, he waited a couple of weeks before trying his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud; springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church. 
Nose Job
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled: "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too." This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life." I fear that the world will someday know About my weakness for you. I know that if I go to you For one more taste of you My guilt will overcome me And a heavy penance will be paid. But my resolve weakens and crumbles. I go to you, I take you and hold you. The wonderful smell of you fills my senses. This is insane, why can't I resist you? I know that any other can have you If they but pay the price. But my need for you overwhelms me And I slowly strip you bare. My mouth aches for the taste of you. My tongue gently caresses you And the flavor of you fills my mouth. My body relaxes and my eyes close. The delicious sensation rushes through my body. Ahhhhhhh, Chocolate
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, April 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Christian family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honored guest. The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already. The daughter hesitated... "but mom!.." After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "oooh, god! ooooh, jimmy! oooh, god! jimmy! oh god, oh god!" All of a sudden, her mother stopped her: "What's gotten into you?!" she seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother... "What?! That's what I hear you pray!" From Chris I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door. Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well." 
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,flabbergast,enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all over again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Feed him and lay him. Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses. When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, May 10, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!" A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could work as a hooker, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go to the street. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. "$398.25," she said. "Who paid the quarter?" he asked. "Everybody." 
"Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad friends beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body. I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom. Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to wake up and teach." The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumours she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him. "You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of fine breeding and position and a tragic, loose little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him. The man replied, "And you my dear Mrs Johnson obviously don't appreciate the difference between cool, dignified acquiescence and genuine, enthusiastic, boots 'n' all screwing!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 9, 2010 Enjoy! Happy Mother's Day!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits." A pastor of a church in a small surfing town in southern California was perplexed because he didn't seem to be having much success with the young people of the area. All they seemed to be interested in was surfing. Understanding this, he decided that his next sermon would be on surfing. When his wife found out about his plan, she nearly went into a rage. "You don't know the first thing about surfing," she protested. "You're going to make a complete fool of yourself." "Well," he started, "I do have a week to study up. I'll go to the library, where there any number of surf magazines I can study. Besides, I've already put in the announcement that next week's sermon will be on surfing and for all the kids to invite their friends. Why, I'd look like a fool if I didn't preach on surfing." That wasn't the end of it; the argument raged on all week. That Sunday on their way to church, the pastor told his wife, "It's all right, I've studied well, and I can even recognize the top surfers just by their pictures." Arriving at church, she said that if he insisted on making a fool of himself, she wasn't even going to go in, so in the car she stayed. Some of the church members stopped by the car and asked why she wasn't going in. "Well," she started, "I don't think my husband knows the topic he's about to preach on very well, and I just don't want to witness his embarrassment when he makes a fool of himself." "Very well," they exclaimed and rushed on in with peaked curiosity. As the sermon was about to begin, the pastor recognized some of the top international surfers in the congregation. "My wife was right," he thought. "If I preach on surfing now, I'll truly make a fool of myself." To avoid this, he changes the topic of the sermon to sex, a sermon he had preached many years before. After the service, the same members stopped by the car again and told the pastor's wife that the sermon went well and that he had related it well to the young people and that he really did know his topic. "How could he," she fluttered. "I mean I ought to know! He's only tried it twice. Once before we were married and once after -- and he fell off both times..." 
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out to get away from his snoring. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely that she can also think. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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