|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, April 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Christian family, comprising mom, dad and daughter were sitting around the dinner table with the reverend of their church as their honored guest. The mom told her daughter to start off the prayer so they can start eating dinner already. The daughter hesitated... "but mom!.." After her mom gave her an encouraging look, she started the prayer. She started moaning and groaning, as if she's having an orgasm. She was also screaming, "oooh, god! ooooh, jimmy! oooh, god! jimmy! oh god, oh god!" All of a sudden, her mother stopped her: "What's gotten into you?!" she seemed embarrassed and surprised. The daughter then said to her mother... "What?! That's what I hear you pray!" From Chris I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door. Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well." 
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,flabbergast,enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all over again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Feed him and lay him. Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top, they become asses. When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
 Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
133665
| permalink |
( 2.9 / 128 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, May 10, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!" A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could work as a hooker, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go to the street. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. "$398.25," she said. "Who paid the quarter?" he asked. "Everybody." 
"Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad friends beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body. I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom. Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to wake up and teach." The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the rumours she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him. "You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of fine breeding and position and a tragic, loose little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him. The man replied, "And you my dear Mrs Johnson obviously don't appreciate the difference between cool, dignified acquiescence and genuine, enthusiastic, boots 'n' all screwing!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
133388
| permalink |
( 2.8 / 105 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 9, 2010 Enjoy! Happy Mother's Day!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits." A pastor of a church in a small surfing town in southern California was perplexed because he didn't seem to be having much success with the young people of the area. All they seemed to be interested in was surfing. Understanding this, he decided that his next sermon would be on surfing. When his wife found out about his plan, she nearly went into a rage. "You don't know the first thing about surfing," she protested. "You're going to make a complete fool of yourself." "Well," he started, "I do have a week to study up. I'll go to the library, where there any number of surf magazines I can study. Besides, I've already put in the announcement that next week's sermon will be on surfing and for all the kids to invite their friends. Why, I'd look like a fool if I didn't preach on surfing." That wasn't the end of it; the argument raged on all week. That Sunday on their way to church, the pastor told his wife, "It's all right, I've studied well, and I can even recognize the top surfers just by their pictures." Arriving at church, she said that if he insisted on making a fool of himself, she wasn't even going to go in, so in the car she stayed. Some of the church members stopped by the car and asked why she wasn't going in. "Well," she started, "I don't think my husband knows the topic he's about to preach on very well, and I just don't want to witness his embarrassment when he makes a fool of himself." "Very well," they exclaimed and rushed on in with peaked curiosity. As the sermon was about to begin, the pastor recognized some of the top international surfers in the congregation. "My wife was right," he thought. "If I preach on surfing now, I'll truly make a fool of myself." To avoid this, he changes the topic of the sermon to sex, a sermon he had preached many years before. After the service, the same members stopped by the car again and told the pastor's wife that the sermon went well and that he had related it well to the young people and that he really did know his topic. "How could he," she fluttered. "I mean I ought to know! He's only tried it twice. Once before we were married and once after -- and he fell off both times..." 
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out to get away from his snoring. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely that she can also think. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
133195
| permalink |
( 3 / 112 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 8, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took eventually off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena, there's a nice motel, how about ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over. A raggedy old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped her. When it was over, the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She replied, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, ... unless you're too tired." From Virginia 
There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!" "What's your hurry?" askes the other. "Me and the wife are having sex again today". "Again? How often do you have sex?" "Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernikle Bread". And he scurried off. As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernikle Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter. "Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernikle Bread". "I'll take it all." the old man blurts out. The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard" The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?" A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
132985
| permalink |
( 2.8 / 128 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 7, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jill: Did I tell you about the great training session I attended for the office last week? Jenny: No! Let's hear it. Jill: Well they put us up in a great hotel, and I met some very interesting people. Jenny: That's wonderful! Was your room nice? Jill: My room? Gee, I don't think I ever saw MY room! A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!" 
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing. The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!" "Chihuahuas", Melvin replies --- Just like some people have collections of Blonde jokes, I used to have a collection of Chihuahua jokes. My favorite definition of a Chihuahua has always been: "Soccer ball for blind athletes."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
132741
| permalink |
( 3 / 116 )Back Next
Avatar
