Good Morning 
It's Monday,  May 25, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the
Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife
is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to love 'em!"





Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I jus wanna get weighed," said Kim.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the
ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to
do. "I jus wanna get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been
there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked
where to next.
"I jus wanna get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe
figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
"How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
 

 Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter
without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to 
enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church."

---
Fuddy-Duddy!


 A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        She let herself go
    For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.



A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but
the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he
said, "You really ought to quit."

Getting tired of his nagging, she said, "I really enjoy a
good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and dropping her gaze to his groin, she said, 
"So, what's your excuse?"


A college professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to her class.

Shee emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for
passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable
excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness 
or a death in the student's immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved
his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual
exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the class finally settled down, the professor gave
the student a long, appraising look.  "Well,"  she responded,
"I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 24, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine.
They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind
and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."





Seen on a T-shirt:
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -
Do You Want Fries With That?"
 

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and
fell
in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind
courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the
weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a
circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners,
etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.

It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but
of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a
husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank
returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British
liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what
the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. 
"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, 
I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be 
after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. 
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, 
apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door 
connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. 
She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my
honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your
permission to enter her room. 
After that, it's honor and offer all night."


Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leroy: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, 
Mr... Leroy Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leroy: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, 
Mr Shitferbrains?"

Leroy: "I want Barrack for my first name, your honor."


Lynn was nursing her baby in a public bathroom when a 
little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room. 
"What's she doing, grandma?"
"Feeding her baby."
"How?"
"She's feeding her at her breast."
"Grandma, I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once. "



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  May 23, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The Prime Minister was awakened one night by an urgent
call from the RCMP.
"Mr. Harper," said the officer, barely
to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the Prime Minister, "Well, let me
have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by
creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat treehuggers, ....
and sweat  gasoline."
"Issue them citizenship, passports and tax numbers!"



Sneaky-Stealth-Bike

Our church welcomes all denominations,
but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
 

Two fathers-to-be met in the maternity waiting room.
"Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation, and she goes
into labor!"

The second one looks at the first and says, "What do you have to
complain about? This is our honeymoon!"


A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she
declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby
brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."


A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours
later, the husband goes to his wife & says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do
it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it
again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his
watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...
just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course,
Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps
his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do
you think we could...."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to
get up in the morning. You don't!"



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 21, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he
 patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work.
 Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention. "And you
 are?" St. Peter asks.

 "I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

 "Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused,
 poring over his compendious list of people and events.
 "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of
 the Irish Republican Army."

 "Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

 "You blew up that pub in London!"

 "Yeh."

 "You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions
 transport in Northumberland."

 "Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

 St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally
 finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just
 can't let you in heaven !"

 "Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you
  you've all got twelve minutes to get out!"





An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African
village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial
his people were conducting that afternoon. "You'll be surprised,"
said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You
see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and
incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was
truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those
of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and
the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each
argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he
couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a 
bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms 
frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he
had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a seminude 
woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts
we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably
mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the 
gallery."
 

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing
people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each
other that they may have seen in passers-by.

They saw this old fellow sort of duck waddling down the street at a
slow pace.

The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him
that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old mans
problem.

One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I
think you have a hernia."

The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were
all wrong."


There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and
delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old
Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold
their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a
good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk
about
how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your
mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The
following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in
the arms a hot woman," he paused. 

The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. 
But he had forgotten what comes next, so he stumbled on about how 
great she was and how good she made him feel. 

Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said
in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, 
but she was recommended by the Bishop!"


A little girl accidentally walks in on her father going to the
bathroom.
Shocked, she runs to her mother and cries, "Mommy! Mommy! Daddy
has a big fat ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!"


"That's not a worm, sweetie," comforts the mother, "that's a very
important part of Daddy's body. If Daddy didn't have one of those, 
you wouldn't be here. 
And now that I think about it, ... neither would I."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 21, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to
sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said
finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't think
that'd be any concern of mine, how she carries on and with whom,
 -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."



Full Moons of Summer.
Not here yet. It snowed again :(


At my last party Randy went up to one girl and said, 
"Gentlemen prefer blondes."

She said, "I'm not really a blonde."

He said, "Good.  I'm not really a gentleman."
 

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

"Don't Miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."


A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The
farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed 
to creep into range and finally shot it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd
killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had saggy tits, a some scraggly hairs on the chin, a hard head 
and it stunk!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the neighbor's wife!"


One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front
porch swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big
city of New York and was telling her friend all about it.

She starts , "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they
have women up there who have sex with other women."

Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they
call them?"

"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

"And they have men who have sex with other men."

Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do
they call them?"

The first girl says, "They call them queers."

The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking
and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have
these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private
parts... And kinda lick around and stuff..."

The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell...
What do they call them??"

After looking around once again to make sure no one is
listening, she whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted
him on the head and called him 'Precious'."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD