Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 21, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to
sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said
finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't think
that'd be any concern of mine, how she carries on and with whom,
 -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."



Full Moons of Summer.
Not here yet. It snowed again :(


At my last party Randy went up to one girl and said, 
"Gentlemen prefer blondes."

She said, "I'm not really a blonde."

He said, "Good.  I'm not really a gentleman."
 

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

"Don't Miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."


A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The
farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed 
to creep into range and finally shot it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd
killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had saggy tits, a some scraggly hairs on the chin, a hard head 
and it stunk!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the neighbor's wife!"


One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front
porch swing. One of them had just gotten back from the big
city of New York and was telling her friend all about it.

She starts , "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they
have women up there who have sex with other women."

Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they
call them?"

"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.

"And they have men who have sex with other men."

Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do
they call them?"

The first girl says, "They call them queers."

The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking
and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have
these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private
parts... And kinda lick around and stuff..."

The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell...
What do they call them??"

After looking around once again to make sure no one is
listening, she whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted
him on the head and called him 'Precious'."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  May 20, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door
bionic?"
"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother. "
Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had 
screwed her eyes off!"





Q: Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
A: They go straight from adolescence to childhood.
 

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The
couple had been given a very nice percolator coffee set by her 
parents.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding.
I'd like to thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to
thank my new parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."


Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her
     25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.


 Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he
demanded of her: "Did you really pose for that?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from
memory."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  May 19, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he 
twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly 
with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a
calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss
about....?"





Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they
can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
Men like the lights on - so they can get the woman's
name right.

That explains why bisexuals prefer sex under strobe
lights.
 

A girl of about 12 years old handed a check to a
bank teller.

"You'll have to endorse it," said the teller as he
handed it back.

"What does endorse mean?" asked the little girl.

"Just sign your name like you do in a letter,"
explained the teller.

Smiling shyly the girl wrote, "Love, Linda."


Things you don't want to hear at a Tattoo Parlor
~ "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
~ "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
~ "There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
~ "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
~ "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
~ "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
~ "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
~ "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving
effect."
~ "Oops ... "


A woman is talkin to a friend at a supermarket. She tells her, "My
husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood,
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on
his forehead.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  May 18, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two old farmers were discussing how productive their bulls
were. One farmer said he had a problem with his bull but
the vet gave him some medicine and he was jumping on
everything on the farm.

The other farmer said his bull was not doing to well and
asked what medicine the vet used so he could get some.
The first farmer said he didn't know the name of the
medicine but it tasted like chocolate.





Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a
Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching.

"You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and
Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm.
Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you
two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."
 

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the
nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you
do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"


A 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You
know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I
know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you
got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor
said
.
"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your
Lamborghini."


He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered
himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under
the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and
the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I
don't know".

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my
privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke
its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 17, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman was walking down the street when a man who was
carrying out a survey stopped her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes
towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the
television?"
"Well," replied the woman, I suppose it is OK once in a while, 
but usually I prefer a comfortable bed or couch."



Clay and Glass

Three guys, Carl, Bob and Brett, found themselves in hell.
They were a little confused at their present situation, and
they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and
behind the door was perhaps the most ugly woman they had ever
seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over
the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a
group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7'
tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies
circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this
beautiful woman barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned ..."
 

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10. 
1 to screw it and 9 to form the support group
to justify why there were no sexual implications in the act
of screwing, and since no enemy (male) got any pleasure 
from it, it was quite OK.
---
Dingbats!


What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah,blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
---
Amateurs!
You got to reword that!
"OK, YOU do the laundry, while I get the ironing board ready."

What the man hears then is:

"OK, you do the laundry, while I get blah blah blah ready."

Half way through doing the laundry he will suddenly ask:
"On the ironing board? Oh Goody! Goody!"


Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these
meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim
figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these stupid meetings."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD