Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 3, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing
notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first,
"but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.
"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby in three months!"
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly 5 years,
and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time!"





A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a
problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets
undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the
cause
is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a
gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."
"That's the problem!" the doctor says,
"Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"


My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided
to talk to him about sex.  To ensure private
time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our
talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.
"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.
He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up
again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third trip, already knowing I had waited
too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like
to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Mom," he responded, "is that all you ever
think about?"


As the victim lulled off guard and was drawn into some 
serious-money betting, the golf hustler went into top gear and 
started playing like a master. Aware of the sucker's suspicion, 
the hustler feigned surprise at this miraculously improved form, 
shrugged modestly and muttered, "Somebody up there
must like me."

"Good," snapped the brawny sucker, fingering his driver in a 
meaningful manner,
"because if I lose, you're going to meet Him."


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the economy.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that
makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what
you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while the Working Class is screwing
the economy, the Government is sound asleep and doesn't 
have a clue, the People are being ignored and the Future is 
in deep shit."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  May 2, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two men from San Francisco were standing on a corner next to an old
stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
One man looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other San Francisco man leaned around and said,
"Go ahead, he looks like he's friendly."





A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be
absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her
back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she
purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I
want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want
you once more to say 'Eighty-eight."
"One, ahhhh   two,    ahhhh   three,   ahhhh   four,   ahhhh   five..."


The father watched through the window as his young daughter 
made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, 
he went closer and heard the little neighbor boy say:
"I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and
find a carrot."
His daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."


Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her
this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is
the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Daughter: "OK"

Later....

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He
said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST
child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now
I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your
face."

Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after
18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your
father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his
face."


A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot
tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly
strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you
have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into
the ground, and, pulling out a carpeter's level, assures himself that
the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and
with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by
the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back
to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 2:37 PM, provided
today is May the second, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, 

"That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a 
cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at
my watch."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 16, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man and his brother inherit a farm... on the farm there are some
cows, and one ornery bull. The first morning of their stay on the farm, they
went outside to find that the bull had escaped his pen, gotten out
with the cows, and when they found him, his eyes were crossed.
The two men decided to call the vet. The vet came out, stuck a tube in
the bulls rear and blew really hard, the bulls eyes went back to
normal.

The vet charged the two men $50.00.

On the second morning, the two brothers awoke only to find the bull
back out with the cows, and his eyes were crossed again. They thought 
about it, and decided NOT to call the vet, they could save $50.00 if they
could just find a tube, and they'd do it themselves.

One brother says to the other "I'll blow on the tube, you watch his eyes."
After numerous attempts, the brothers decide they should switch. The
brother that was originally watching the bull's eyes walks around to
the rear of the bull, pulls out the tube, and sticks the other end in.
"What'd ya do that fer?" asked the brother.
He replies, "Well, you don't think I want to blow on the same end as
you, do ya?"





Council Complaints From Around UK 

1 My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back 
passage has fungus growing in it.

2 He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I 
just can't take it anymore since he is on top of me.

3 It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired 
and burnt my knob off.

5 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly 
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6 And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls 
against my fence.

7 I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet 
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away 
from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? 
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11.I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster 
and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until 
it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny 
colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every 
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too 
intrusive for me.

18.The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, 
which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would 
like a third, so please send someone round to do something about 
it as my husband is at work all day.

20.I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you 
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of 
me every night.

21.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and 
satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but 
I still have no satisfaction.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 30, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts
him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes
home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." 
The man replies, "Yes, it is." 
Boy, "I have a baseball." 
Man, "That's nice." 
Boy, "Want to buy it?" 
Man, "No, thanks." Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?" 
Boy, "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his
mother's lover are in the closet together. 
Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is." 
Boy, "I have a baseball mitt." 
Remembering the last time, the man asks, 
"How much?" 
Boy, "$75" 
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the ball back and forth." 
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." 
Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
 The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again! This is MY place!"
 Boy: "My dad and six of the town's biggest gossips are outside...."
 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The
waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man
and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll
smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the
blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts
the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he
walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the
owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The
blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu
again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and
brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the
blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife
that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week,
but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the
kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your
crotch, before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and
hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready
and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you
and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff
and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here!"





A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating
rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, 
guilt and so on into the process. 
He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor a week later, "I did everything you
suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I
skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged
into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her
naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
 "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully,
 "somewhat, but here Bible group sure thought it was really neat."


Dissatisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, the
balding
man sought out alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend
referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that
showed
great promise. Within a week after taking the new drug, hair began to
grow uncontrollably all over his body. The suddenly hairy fellow
returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he
demanded. "It was DNA from a woolly mammoth." "Aha," the hairy man
exclaimed. "That would explain the size of my balls!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  April 29, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A husband and wife were sitting home one evening watching
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, let's
go upstairs and fool around."

The wife says, "No!"

The husband says, "Aw, c'mon.  Let's go upstairs and fool
around."

The wife again says, "No!"

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, that is my final answer."

The husband then asks, "Well then, can I phone a friend?"


 A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when
she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches
them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely,
aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her
surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had
a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And
what's your name then?" 

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewey, 
and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your
name's Dewey, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had a fantastic
day."





What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and
a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry


One day, an African chief's wife gave birth to a white child
and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some
hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father
and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been having sex with my wife," he accused the
white father, who looked very uncomfortable.

The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult
situation explained Mendel's laws of genetics to the
wrathful black man.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the
chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also
notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so
will I."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD