Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 31

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


's mom was watching  play outside 
in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily 
walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. 

Suddenly,  stopped, stepped out of the pool, 
and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. 

"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this 
water doesn't work,"  replied.



From Bill:
I moved from Southern California up to a rural area of the Pacific
Northwest recently. While the scenery up here is beautiful, the
women-folk do leave a little to be desired in the areas of vanity and
appeal. 

I won't be the one to say they're NOT attractive, but they held
a beauty-pageant here last summer... and nobody won.



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The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.



SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL
LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO
WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM
APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. 
I have seven but one died and was baptized on 
half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my 
baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and 
has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you 
tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was 
reported missing is dead.

This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the 
man I am living with can't eat or get it up until he 
finds out for sure.

I am very annoyed that you have branded my son 
illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father 
a week before he was born.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, 
one of which was a mistake as you can see.

My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, 
and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to 
lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. 
Will this make any difference?

I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a 
bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth 
to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed 
with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do 
me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to 
send for another doctor.

It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two 
children. But please believe me when I say it was 
an accident.

I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything 
for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your 
convenience.

Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the 
past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will 
do the same.

Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. 
I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.

I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband 
is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Doug was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas 
without any success.

Finally in desperation he said, "Look. I'll give ya a hundred 
to sleep with me tonight."

"You ain't gonna get nowhere being so crude either buddy," 
the girl said. "Tell ya what. Try betting me 50 dollars at 2:1, 
that I won't put out for ya."



RECIPE SECTION, 
thanks to Sr Anna

Steak & Lettuce Wraps
 
Ingredients 
1 pound flank steak
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1 cup diced peeled cucumber
6 cherry tomatoes, halved
1/4 cup thinly sliced shallot
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh mint
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh basil
1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon brown sugar
2 tablespoons low sodium soy sauce
2 tablespoons lime juice
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 head Bibb lettuce, leaves separated


Directions
Preheat grill to medium-high.
Sprinkle steak with salt and pepper. Oil the grill rack . 
Grill the steak for 6 to 8 minutes per side for medium. 
Transfer to a cutting board and let rest for 5 minutes. 
Cut across the grain into thin slices.
Combine the sliced steak, cucumber, tomatoes, shallot, 
mint, basil and cilantro in a large bowl. 
Mix sugar, soy sauce, lime juice and crushed red 
pepper in a small bowl. Drizzle over the steak mixture; 
toss well to coat. 

To serve, spoon a portion of the steak mixture into a 
lettuce leaf and roll into a "wrap.

Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna





Thanks to Jim for sending this toon!






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