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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, April 17, 2011

A friend told ne that the gas or fumes contained in orange peels
have some fancy anti-oxidant like the stuff in the high priced anti
aging meds thy sell for outrageous sums to people, who can't
figure out what to do if the cable is down for a few hours.

Actually, she IS one of those people, ad she probably would 
not have phoned me, if the snow storm had not knocked out
her TV cable.

Well, did you know that in the evening, when they have been 
picked over all day, the stores frequently put oranges and apples
on sale, so that they don't have to take out the not so pretty ones,
that are left over? 

You have to be careful, though! Sometimes they just put the
"On Sale! Special!" signs there, without actually lowering 
the price. But that's OK too, If I just have a small amount and
bitch loudly enough, I sometimes get them for free.

So, to make a long story short, I got a few big, slightly 
dented Navel oranges for a price I could afford.

They almost froze on the way home because the snow storm
kept blowing snow into the shopping bag. 
Damn Socialist Clmate!
Anyway, I scalded one with hot water while I dug out my fancy
orange peeler stick. The peels came of smooth and easy,
and guess what, the fumes or gases they gave off, they
did indeed smell very nice and fresh and DID make me feel
very .... hmmm, hard to describe, healthy and happy.
So I put the peels onto a saucer beside the keyboard,
and qute enjoyed the fragrance. 

That could turn into a habit! I will definitely peek in the window
at the store on the way by on my evening walk and check if 
I can afford an orange.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
left over and 

From a friend down-under:

This is apparently a true story which happened in the
Telecom Call Center in Lower Hutt (just north of
Wellington, New Zealand). The operator received a call
from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander
who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.

The call went like this:
Telecom:  How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill.
          My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom:  Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah
          and my wife think I haffing an affair
          with this woman but I never heard off
          her before. I need to trace these calls
          please.

Telecom:  Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually
          tell you the name of the person you're
          calling, just their number.

Customer: This one iss.

Telecom:  What phone do you have sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom:  No sir, what make? What do you have in
          your hands?

Customer: An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker
continued:

Telecom:  Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer: For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

Another moment's silence from Telecom and suddenly the
penny dropped.

Telecom:  Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.

The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported.



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Dan was 80 years old and still enjoyed chasing girls.

One day, he asked his wife is she minded. "Why should I be
upset?" she replied. "Dogs chase cars, but they 
can't drive."




Yep, it's a strawberry, up very close.

 


A woman goes to Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. Not knowing
which one to get, she just grabs one and takes it over to
the cash register where she finds an 'associate' standing
there with dark shades on.

"Excuse me, sir," she says, "can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"

"Ma'am, I'm blind," he replies, "but if you will drop it on
the counter I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound it makes."

She really doesn't believe him, but drops it on the
counter anyway. He says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a
Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a great all
around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter," she replies in
surprise. "I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll
take it."

Just as he's about to ring it up on the register, the
woman farts. At first she's embarrassed, but then
realizes that there is no way he could tell it was
her--being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will
be $25.50."

"But didn't you say it was $20.00?" she inquires.

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call
is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50," he
replies.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A man entered a restaurant and sat down. A few minutes
later, a waitress came over to take his order.

"……and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man
ordered a cup of coffee.

As she promptly returned with a cup of coffee, the waitress
stumbled and spilled the coffee on the man's lap. "Oh, sir,
I am so sorry," apologized the waitress.

"That's all right," the man replied, wiping up the coffee
with his napkin. "But, tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," the waitress replied.

"Oh great, unless you take care of it, now this thing is going 
to be up all night!" grumbled the man.



An instructor was giving a course in human sexuality,
during which he was discussing numerous items in the Kinsey
report.

Audible gasps could be heard when he read out that a woman
had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

Suddenly, a male voice from the back of the class shouted,
"Wow, who was she?"

"Who the hell cares!" a female voice yelled. "Who was HE?"



	Time Space 

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 16, 2011


INSTALLING SPRING...
  
¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ 44% DONE. 
  
Install delayed....please wait. 
Installation failed. 
Please try again. 
404 error: Season not found. 
Season "Spring" cannot be located. 
The season you are looking for might have been removed, 
had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. 
Please try again next year.


Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries


Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other. 

"Just ignore it", is the answer.

"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".



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A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus.  The girl says, "What
do you Scots wear under your kilts?" 

The Scot says, "Why don't you put your hand up it and find out?" 

She sticks her hand up his kilt and immediately withdraws, shocked.  
"It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims. 

The Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll GROW some more 
if you put your hand back up there!!"





 


Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going oot ta the local bar for a
wee dram."

Wife: "Are ye taking me with ye for a wee dram?"

Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning off the heat."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

"Momma," said the young bride-to-be, "there's something I've been
meaning to ask you." 

"Yes, I know dear," responded the Mother lovingly, "and I've been waiting.  
Shortly you will discover all the joys of love with your husband.  
First, let me explain..." 

"Ma !  Wait !" said the girl.  "I already know all about makin' love & all, 
I just want to know how to make a decent lasagna."



Bob is unhappy.
He got a sweater for his birthday. 
He really wanted a screamer or a moaner.



	Twist Tie 

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 15, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you Jurrie!


Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked her
cousin, a woman who had lived a riotous, free life, into joining the
Temple. 
"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin
will have her sins forgiven after all those years?" 

"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater 
the number of sins, the greater the glory." 

"Really Rabbi?" the old lady replied thoughtfully. 
"I sure do wish I'd known that fifty years ago."



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There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and the guy 
wanted to get his girl some really sexy lingerie. The store 
was packed with women for this big sale and before he 
knew it, he was pushed and shoved by frantic women 
all trying to get at the merchandise. 

He remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed 
his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed 
through the crowd of women. 

"Hey you!" an angry female voice yelled out at him, 
"Try acting like a gentleman!" 

"That's what I have been doing," He retorted, 
"But since that isn't working out for me, 
now I'm gonna act like you ladies!"




 


Secrets to a Perfectly Satisfying Relationship:
It is important that a man helps you around the house and 
has a job. 

It is important that a man makes you laugh. 

It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you. 

It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 

It is really important that these four men don't know each other.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic
moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you." 

With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher." 

"I love you," came the higher-pitched reply.


Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She
also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a
night on the town. 

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's 
apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music 
for a while. Then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. 

"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would
like it." 

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."



	50's and 60's 

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, April 14, 2011

That brief warming up did not last. There is a blizzard outside
right now. The weather outside is as dismal as the inside of
my wallet. Hope you got it better!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


Ma and Pa made their annual visit to church for the Easter
service. As they were leaving, the minster said,
"Pa, it sure would be nice to see you and ma here more
than once a year!"

"I know," replied Pa, "but at least we keep the Ten
Commandments."

"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that
you keep the Commandments.""Yup," Pa said proudly,
"Ma keeps six of 'em and I keep the other four."



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Morris is sitting in a bar wallowing in sadness.

His friend Bill comes over and asks what's wrong.

Morris says, "My mother-in-law broke up my marriage".

"How did she do that?" asks Bill.

Morris replies, "Well, my wife came home from work early 
one day and found her in bed with me."





Click through for the big picture

Do you look at and/or use the big picture,
or am I wasting my time with it?
Please hit REPLY and tell me!
Ophelia


 


Two ministers would meet each Sunday morning, riding their
bicycles to their respective churches. Then one Sunday, one
of the ministers was walking.

"What happened to your bike?" asked the other.

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"
"NO!" said his fellow minister, then an idea struck him.

"You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday,
give a fire & brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandants and
when you get to the part about 'Thou Shall Not Steal', just
look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday, the minister comes riding up on his
bike.

"Hey--I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten
Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultrey, I
remembered where I left my bike!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your
problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."


This farmer would go out on his tractor and while he was working the
fields and bouncing around for awhile he would get horny but it was a
long ways back on his tractor to the house where his wife was. So he
came up with this plan.  

He told his wife he would take his rifle with him and next time he got 
horny he would fire a shot and she could drive the pickup truck 
out to where he was. 

So that's what they did and it worked quite well. 

One day a neighbor was over having coffee.  "I haven't seen your 
wife around for quite a while," he said. 

"Me neither," said the farmer, 
"Not since hunting season started!"



	And then came the Jelly Bean

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The snow is finally starting to melt. As usual, when it melts 
this late, it does so very quickly and causes some flooding.
In Southern Alberta that's the tradition. The evacuation centre 
in the Grand Ballroom in the Stampede Grandstand in 
Medicine Hat.has been opend and is ready, and kids are
complaining bitterly about certain schools not closing yet.
Maybe next week?

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 569 Subscribers.             Countries


A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself;" lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says,
"Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he
says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you are such an
insensitive and inconsiderate and seflish asshole, that you
don't know, then there is no point wasting my time to tell you.

That is called "Blonde Logic" and no man is capable of
understanding it.



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A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make
a will but I don't know exactly how   to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said,

"Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice,
but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"





Click through for the big picture

 


Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good
friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work
and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and
have coffee together, smoking and talking. One morning, one
turned to the other and said, "do you smoke after you've
had sex?"

The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded,
"Don't know -- Never looked." 



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A lawyer woke up after an operation to find herself in a
room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire
across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and
think the operation had failed


A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello,
I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I'd like to find
out if the patient is getting better, or doing as
expected, or is
getting worse".
   The voice on the other end of the line said, "What
is the patient's name and room number?"
   She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.
   "I will connect you with the nursing station."
   "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
   "I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel
in Room 302."
   "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh,
yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's
had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her
blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be
taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and
if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going
to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

   The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh!
that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

  The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
must be a close family  member or a very close
friend!"  

"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! 
Nobody here tells me a damn thing!"



	YKK