Good Morning 
It's Monday, April 19, 2010
Enjoy!


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Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A Seriously flat-chested woman was elated when her fairy 
godmother told her, her breasts would increase in size any 
time a man says "Pardon" to her.

She was walking down the sidewalk the next day when a man 
bumped into her. "Pardon me" he said and her breasts 
immediately grew one inch. She was ecstatic.

The next day she was in the grocery store and a man bumped 
her with his cart. He begged her pardon and another inch was 
added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven.

That night she walked into a Chinese restaurant and collided 
with a nearly blind waiter. He bowed low to her and said 
"A thousand pardons for my clumsiness".

The next day, the headline in the newspaper says "Chinese 
waiter suffocates when seriously top-heavy woman falls on him."


Prior to her trip to West Virginia, Buffy (a New Yorker)
confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the
Mountain State.
She wanted to taste some real Fried Green Tomatoes, go whitewater rafting
down the Gauley River, and have sex with a redneck.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a place in Beckley called Tamarack with real
fried green tomatoes cooked by a restaurant from a 5-star resort called the
Greenbrier.  The taste is unbelievable!!  I had so much fun when I went
whitewater rafting.  I got thrown out of the raft right into the rapids!
What a rush!  The scenery there is absolutely beautiful!  It was
incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a redneck??"

"Are you kidding?" She told them, "Once I saw the outline of the condom they
carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

(Rednecks cayy cans of chewing tobacco in the back pocket)

 





Bubba went to a weight loss clinic and said he needed 
to lose 20 pounds. So, the guy at the desk said first
door on the right, close the door, and lock it. He went in,
and there was a naked lady standing there with a sign that
said "You catch me, you screw me." An hour later, he came
out 20 pounds lighter.

A month later, he returned and wanted to lose 50 pounds. The
guy at the desk said second floor, third door on the left,
close the door, lock the door, and bolt it. When he went in,
there were two girls with the same sign. A day later, he
came out 50 pounds lighter.

A year later, he returned and wanted to lose 100 pounds. The
guy at the desk told him that at the price for the 100 pound
deal, he would get a house call. 

He paid up and went home.

The next morning, there was a knock on the door.
The peep hole in the door saved him, at least temporarily.
There was Nancy Pelosi carrying a sign.

He now has a back door, where there wasn't one before.


There were these three guys. They all worked together at a
factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a
little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the
boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The first guy goes home and
goes to rest so he can get an early start.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens
the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so
shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan
to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants
to leave early again and he says, "No."

They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I
almost got caught!"


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top
of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $50.00." A
policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed by and on the top of
it was a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

The two prostitutes asked the cop why he let the other car
go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it
pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign
down and took off.

The following day the same cop was in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $50.00."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, April 19, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her
favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a
Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I
have to work a little late at the office tonight..."


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always
alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This
may sound rather odd in this day and age,
but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man
replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 





There was a sweet little boy who loved to dress up like a 
cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave 
him some money one day to go to the Dairy Queen 
and buy a sundae.

As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked
him, "Do you want one scoop or two?"

The little boy said, "Two, please."

Then the waitress asked, "Do you want chocolate sauce?"

The little boy replied, "Yes, please".

Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your
nuts crushed?"

The little boy pulled his toy gun out and pointed it at the
waitress and said, "Do you want your tits shot off?"


A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. 
The husband closed the front door and immediately he and 
his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, 
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! NO! That must be your 
husband coming home."

And the wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. 
He's off in the Navy for six mo......OOOPS!"


A philosophy professor stood before his class
and had some items in front of him. When the
class began, wordlessly he picked up a large
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of
pebbles and poured them into the jar. He
shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar
was full.
They agreed that it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked
up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to
recognize that this is your life. The rocks are
the important things - your family, your
helpmate, your health, and your children -
things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house, and your car. The
sand is everything else. The small Stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same
goes for your life. If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to
you. Pay attention to the things that are critical
to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your helpmate out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that
really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is
just sand."

But then...
A student then took the jar, which the other
students and the professor agreed was full,
and proceeded to slowly pour in a can of
beer and a cup of coffee. 
Of course the beer and coffee soaked into the sand
and the remaining air spaces, within the jar making 
the jar truly full.

The moral of the Story: No matter how full your
life is, no matter how important you think you
or your job are or how much little crap you
have to do, there is always room for a beer or a 
coffee with a friend.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
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-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, April 18, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.  One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over
to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep and didn't wake up until
8 o'clock.

They got dressed quickly.  Then the man told his secretary to take
his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.  Bewildered, she does as
he asks (thinking he was pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he's been.  The man replies "I cannot tell
a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.  Today we left work
early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell
asleep.  That's why I'm late."

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes.  YOU GODDAMN LIAR!!!
You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"


On a Delta Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude 
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 





One day Pat came over to Mike's house to visit, but when 
he entered the home, Mike wasn't there.  Mike's wife was 
holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the 
same time.

She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding 
the baby while I finish the curtains?"

A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How
ya doin, Mike?"

Mike replied, "I'm holding my own".

That's when the battle started..


A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "I
need a bike! I need a bike!"


From Angie
Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his
brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "I think I am going to blow his mind!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, April 17, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the
last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false
alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another
false alarm. Alas, it was not, and he thoroughly darkened the
color of his bedsheet and was embarrassed beyond anything he
could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. He started yelling, cussing, and flailing his arms which
drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked:
"What's going on?"
To which the drunk replied:
"L-L-Looksch like I juscht beat the cwap
out of a ghoscht!"


A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to 
be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following 
message a few days before his ship was due back in port. 
"I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love 
to you.  I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, 
and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a 
mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I 
step ashore."

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent 
him a reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, 
but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, 
because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"

 





There was a guy who owned a whorehouse and on one particular
day all of his women happened to get the flu and had called
in sick.

Not wanting to lose any business that day, he thought up a
solution and went to the local sex shop to purchase
inflatable women. He put one in each room and then dimmed
all the lights so no one would notice.

Not long after he opened, a man walked in and ordered six
beers and a hooker. The man gave him his six beers and a
key to one of the rooms.

The man went upstairs but not long after he returned with
what remained of his beer and sat down to drink it by
himself. The bartender, worried, went over to ask what had
happened. The man told his story, "Well sir, I got on her
and was pounding away and she was letting out these tiny
little squeaking noises and everything was good. Then I
moved over and bit her nipple, when all of a sudden she let
out this really loud fart and flew out the window!!"


The minister of a small congregation was about to start his
sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She
was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he
dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest
voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like
that?"

"Why, reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my
boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when
they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing
his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't
hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in
yet."


A group of officers are standing around talking when a 1LT said "I
feel that making love is 90% fun and 20% work."

A Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more
work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than
that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating the conversation when a Master Sergeant
walks by. The officers call the NCO over to ask his opinion.

The Major says, "Excuse me Sergeant, we are having a discussion and
would like your input."

The 1LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.

The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work.

I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your opinion?"

The Master Sergeant smiles and says:" Sir, you are all wrong. Making
love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved you
would have us enlisted folks doing it for you."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Friday, April 16, 2010
Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White, and Quasimoto were 
talking over a picnic lunch.
Hercules said, "You know, everyone says I am the strongest 
mortal on earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers 
me a lot."

Snow White said, "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, 
but how can I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and everyone knows that I'm the 
ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know guys, 
I have the answer."
"Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us what we are !"

Hercules said, "Great." "Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, 
"I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest." 

Snow White said, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest."

Quasimoto has his head down, leaning on the table, and said, 
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?"


A husband and wife were in the bathroom
getting ready for work when the husband
looked at his wife and said, "I gotta
have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom
door, pulled down her panties and ravaged
her. He knew he was doing great because
she screamed and wiggled more than she
ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his
clothes back on and when he noticed his
wife still writhing against the door he
said, "That was the best, honey. You've
never moved like that before, you didn't
hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once
I can get the stupid doorknob out of my butt."

 





A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her
husband had gone to work, her secret lover came 'round. Just
as they got down to business, the door bell went. The woman
went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.

"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."

The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the
window before he was seen. He was totally starkers, so hid
behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by,
doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.

After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long
have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.

"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said
to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.

"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.


A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor
of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?", asked the prosecutor.

"No,sir!", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he asked.

"No, sir.", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?", asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said
"Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?".


A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to
carry it to the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup
he slurs:  "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No!"

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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