Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 16, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up
a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No
one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck?
What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students
holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What
animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a
picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like
this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"





A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down. "Ah....."  said the woman as she gazed into her
crystal ball.  "I see you are the father of two children."

"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man scornfully. 
"I'm the father of *three* children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."


Jim wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his
constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he
cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to
give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off
gradually."


Mike was none too bright.
When Mike got arrested, they state troopers told him, "Anything you
say can and will be held against you in a court of law."
Mike lit up and shouted, "Salma Hayek's big ones!"


A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down at the bar and sees
a real beauty sitting at the other end.
He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.

"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."

"I don't care!" says the lad, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over
myself..."

So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady and says:

...."So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  April 15, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home
to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband
was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes
off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she
heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got
to get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his
clothes.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.





One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was
going home early because she didn't feel well. Since
Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her
well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her.

A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has
morning sickness."


Just think, if it weren't for women to tell them different,
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and
girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that
the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely
couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told
groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't
even swept together yet!"


 Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home
from school one day. As they walked along, they
saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
doing it, well, doggy style.

"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked.
Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for
all his 14 years, knew what they were doing but
was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well,
he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh."

They walked a little farther, and Little Mary said,
"Scare me, Little Johnny." Well, Little Johnny
thought, "What the Hell." So he took her into
the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking
home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a
stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What
are they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said,
"Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little
Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared"
her again.

After they were finished, they started walking
home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they
saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she
innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring
her" Little Johnny said once again. After a few
more minutes of walking, Little Mary said,
"Scare me again, Little Johnny."

Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now,
had just about had enough, so he yelled out,

"Boo, damn it, boo!"






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  April 14, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get
a sperm count. 

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc,it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next
door and she tried too, first with both hands, then
an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
boobs and even her knees, but still nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 

The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get that silly jar open!"





Nancys nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first
kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel
the baby kick.His little face scrunched and said,
"How does the baby get out of there?"
She wanted to keep it simple so she said,
"The doctor will help."
His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed,
"You a DOCTOR fell in, too?!"


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed
bachelor for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the
one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll
meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at
home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"


The reporter met the plane that brought back soldiers
from their year in Afghanistan. He wanted to write a human
interest story, and asked one soldier,
"What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
The soldier immediately replied, "Spend an hour in
bed with my wife."
The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and
asked, "Oh. Well, and what will you do after that ?"
"Take off these stupid combat boots!"


An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful
22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a
couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks
him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I
must tell you one thing."

"What's that?", asks the millionaire.

"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch
it, take care it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.

Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "Nah, I'm not 
going to worry about it. She is pretty tough and a health nut.
She can take it."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  April 13, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first
time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began
undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming
examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over
the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a
young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient
up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me
that until today you have never undergone an eye
examination."





From Bob:
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both wear 
the traditional turban and often encounter strange comments 
and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child stared with 
amazement at my father. She finally got the courage to ask, 
"Are you a genie?"

Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and 
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and 
decided to humor the child.

He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."

The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said 
"Here's to spending the rest of  me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the 
  Best  toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, 
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies 
 on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize 
the other night at the pub with a  toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. 
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by 
the ears to make him come."


Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye. 

"What happened to you?" asked his wife."

"I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man
 who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't 
 get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find 
 the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with 
 this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

 "I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
 
Roy replies, "Wrong room!"


A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll
in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a 
salesman at an auto dealership.When the salesman's pitch 
had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, 
"Now what would it take to getyou into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied,
"You could try a fork lift."








Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!

I got my snow shovel ready to go dig up Easter Eggs. Well, at
lest I won't have to use the snow blower. But it sure is not going
to be a bikini Easter this year. 


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with
two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and
said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all
the money in the till, and then I want you to
take me into your storeroom and make love to me."
 
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch,
emptied the money from the till into the old
woman's handbag, and then went with her into the
storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and
made love.
 
In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns
on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment,
then said, "Madam, could you please pick up your
guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any
minute." 





I hate sex in the movies. 
I like having a smoke afterward without having to go outside.


For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men
were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it....!"


 The members of the hunting club had drawn straws to decide who would
man the mess tent during their annual trip to the big woods, with the
proviso that anyone complaining about the food would automatically
replace the unlucky cook. 

Realising after a few days that no one was likely to risk speaking up, 
Short Straw decided on a desperate plan.

Having found some moose droppings, he added a generous amount to the
stew that night. There were grimaces around the campfire after the
first few mouthfuls, but nobody said anything until one member
suddenly broke the silence. "Hey," he exclaimed, "this stuff tastes
like moose shit - but good!"


A teenager confided to her mother that she had broken her engagement
when her fiance admitted that he had had affairs with two other
girls. "But a girl can't always expect to be the first, dear,"
comforted her mother. "Some men deliberately seek experience before
marriage for the sake of their brides-to-be."

"I know," sobbed the young thing, "but I made Joe tell me the others'
names, and everything they know about sex, I had told them!"









Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 


being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD