Good Morning 
It's Monday,  April 13, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first
time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began
undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming
examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over
the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a
young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient
up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me
that until today you have never undergone an eye
examination."





From Bob:
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both wear 
the traditional turban and often encounter strange comments 
and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child stared with 
amazement at my father. She finally got the courage to ask, 
"Are you a genie?"

Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and 
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and 
decided to humor the child.

He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."

The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said 
"Here's to spending the rest of  me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the 
  Best  toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, 
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies 
 on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize 
the other night at the pub with a  toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. 
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by 
the ears to make him come."


Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye. 

"What happened to you?" asked his wife."

"I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man
 who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't 
 get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find 
 the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with 
 this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

 "I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
 
Roy replies, "Wrong room!"


A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll
in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a 
salesman at an auto dealership.When the salesman's pitch 
had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, 
"Now what would it take to getyou into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied,
"You could try a fork lift."








Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!

I got my snow shovel ready to go dig up Easter Eggs. Well, at
lest I won't have to use the snow blower. But it sure is not going
to be a bikini Easter this year. 


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with
two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and
said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all
the money in the till, and then I want you to
take me into your storeroom and make love to me."
 
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch,
emptied the money from the till into the old
woman's handbag, and then went with her into the
storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and
made love.
 
In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns
on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment,
then said, "Madam, could you please pick up your
guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any
minute." 





I hate sex in the movies. 
I like having a smoke afterward without having to go outside.


For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men
were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it....!"


 The members of the hunting club had drawn straws to decide who would
man the mess tent during their annual trip to the big woods, with the
proviso that anyone complaining about the food would automatically
replace the unlucky cook. 

Realising after a few days that no one was likely to risk speaking up, 
Short Straw decided on a desperate plan.

Having found some moose droppings, he added a generous amount to the
stew that night. There were grimaces around the campfire after the
first few mouthfuls, but nobody said anything until one member
suddenly broke the silence. "Hey," he exclaimed, "this stuff tastes
like moose shit - but good!"


A teenager confided to her mother that she had broken her engagement
when her fiance admitted that he had had affairs with two other
girls. "But a girl can't always expect to be the first, dear,"
comforted her mother. "Some men deliberately seek experience before
marriage for the sake of their brides-to-be."

"I know," sobbed the young thing, "but I made Joe tell me the others'
names, and everything they know about sex, I had told them!"









Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 


being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  April 11, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Woman cleaning fish at sink to angler husband: "Why can't you be like
the rest of the men? They never catch anything."





There was a promiscuous young couple making out in
the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and
things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl
gasped, "Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells."
So he drove her to New Jersey.


Mac died at the controls of his plane and went
to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil
and three doors.


The devil was busy escorting other pilots to
various "hell rooms."


"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the
devil, and he vanished.


Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in
and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned
to forever run through pre-flight checks.


He slammed that door and peeked into the second.
There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while
a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously
opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily
clad flight attendants answering to a captain's
every whim. He quickly returned to his place
seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will
it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door
number 3. That's flight attendants' hell."


The bride smiled sweetly at her maid of honour when they both
happened to hear the groom say to his best man, "Look, I'm so
positive Ann's a virgin that I'll give you odds of ten to one."

But later, as the newlyweds drove off from the reception, Ann
screeched, "How could you do such a thing? We've only been married a
couple of hours and already you're throwing money away!"


Billy Bob: My grandfather lived to be 90.

Jim Bob: Ninety? What finally got him?

Billy Bob: Liquor and women.

Jim Bob: That shows they'll get you in the end.

Billy Bob: No -- he couldn't get either one at the old folks home, 
so he just laid down and died.








Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  April 10, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."





An eighty year-old lady wins the lottery. Not wanting
her to die of shock upon learning this, her children
consult her doctor on how to break the news.

The doctor comes over to the lady's house. "What would
you do if you won ten million dollars?" he asks her.
The lady replies, "Well, since you've been such a good
doctor to me, I would give half of it to you." 
The doctor immediately died of shock.


A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids
shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do
y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's
appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10
inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout
th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 2" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are
an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"


A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth
on the front porch.

Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few
quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same
pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard
WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught
his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.

Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked,
until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached
over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What
was that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin'
the difference."


 A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make
love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he
was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring
coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a
headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for
ten years, and I wasn't about to start now!"









Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 


being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 9, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one little girl came up to
the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting
down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the
girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
" Yes. And my Mom says it's a f***g bitch to iron."





Johnny Carson #1
When Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared on his show, she brought her large
purebread cat...an angora, I believe. The entire interview, whenever 
Johnny tried to change the subject, she kept going back to discussing 
the cat...
Johnny was getting just a bit frustrated. Finally, Zsa Zsa gave him his
opening...she asked him,"Would you like to pet my pussy?"
To which he, of course, replied, 
"Sure, just get that stupid cat out of the way."


Johnny Carson #2
When Arnie Palmers wife appeared on the show he asked her if 
they had any little trditions to give Arnie luck on the golf course.

She told him, "Yes...as a matter of fact we do. Just before he goes
out to play, I kiss each of his balls."

To which Johnny replied, "Boy, I'll bet that makes his putter rise."


This one you got to read out loud!

Four men go to the recruiting office to join the army...
"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, 
"what's your name?"

"McCoy, sergeant."

"And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a cork socker, sergeant."

"A cork socker? What's that?"

"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty
paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called
me." 

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the 
medical officer.
"Next!" The next bloke fronted up.

"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." 
"Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."

"A coke soaker? What's that?"

"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to 
keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they 
called me."

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the
medical officer. "Next!" 

The next bloke fronted up.

"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." 
"Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."

"A sock tucker? What's that?"

"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came 
off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them 
together. A sock tucker, they called me."

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the
medical officer. "Next!" 

The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."

"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. 
"And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, 
a cork socker or a sock tucker?"

"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. 
"I'm the real McCoy!"

He didn't get to see the medical officer.


A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be
absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her
back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she
purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I
want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want
you once more to say 'Eighty-eight." 

"One, two, three, four,
five..."








Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD