|     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, March 31, 2011

Bet you can't watch this little viedo only once!
http://www.1035superx.com/cc-common/new ... mp;count=2

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 570 Subscribers.             Countries


Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty
percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to
make love."

"Well," said the other, "if that caught on, that would
definitely revolutionize the game of hockey!"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB was
quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.

To cover his embarrassment
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling ...

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam 
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,

"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was
"'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."




Click through the picture to the large version.

Sexy car at the car show at Dina's restaurant in Lake Havasu City, Arizona

 


"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the
doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner
and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on
me."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What
did you learn in algebra class today, son?" 

"Well, I learned Pi R Squared," replied the boy. 

"Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think I am 
stupid, but everybody knows that pies are round."


During a jury selection process, the first lawyer
began his questioning as an intimidating showman.
He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do
any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."



	Oddity Central

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, March 29, 2011


Just blame it on Gadafi.
That'll teach him to run a balanced economy without debt,
no unemployment and not being anywhere near as ornery 
as mighty Iran!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 570 Subscribers.             Countries


Bob was having a little trouble with a leg so he went to
the doctor.
"You have a touch of gout," the doctor said.
"I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking
and sex for a while."
"What?" said the man. "Just so I can walk a little better?
Forget it !"



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



As sex education is being taught at a younger age these days
little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher begins
the days sex lesson. "Todays letter is the letter "p" and
the word is "penis".

Little Johnny can hardly contain himself and blurts out, "I
know what that is"! "I know! I know!!" " My daddy has two
of them! "

"He has a little one he goes pee with...and a great big one
he brushes the baby sitters teeth with!"




Click through the picture to the large version.

 


Irv Cohen was tired of the rat race of New York
City.  He decided to move to the peace and quiet
of the country.  He bought a small farm and moved
away from the big city.  Not knowing what to do
with the farm,  he talked to his neighbours.  They
suggested going to the local auction and buying
some live stock.  Irv did just that.  In fact,
he got a good deal on a dozen pigs at the auction.
When he got them home he realized they were all
females so he talked to his neighbour to see if
he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with
his boy pigs so this man could get some babies.
The neighbour agreed and so Irv, the new farmer,
loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the
neighbours pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he
asked his neighbour "How will I know if they are
going to have little pigs?"

The neighbour said that they would start acting
real different and that he could just tell. So
next morning he went and checked his pigs and
they were just acting normal so he took them
back to the neighbours again. Next morning same
thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he
said to his wife "Honey, look out the window and
see if the pigs are acting different." She
looked out the window and said "well I don't
know how different you mean but 11 of them are
in the back of the truck and one is in the front
honking the horn!!!!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A mother takes her 5 year old kid to the sporting goods store and says
to the man working there, "I want to buy a baseball mitt for my son. How
much does it cost?"

The clerk says, "$50."

"That's way to much. How much for that bat?"

"$5," says the clerk.

"I'll take it," the mother replies.

As he's wrapping it up he says, "How about a ball for the bat?"

"No thanks," says the mother, "But I'll go down on you for
the mitt."


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered

"Why,not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive,"



	Chihuly, the artist

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sorry about forgetting the link to the Elks in Town.
Here it is again:
Elks in town

Not far from here, in Banff, the elks have been a popular tourist 
attraction for a long time, especially with the Japanese. Nowadays, 
that whole town seems to be owned by Japanese. The elk don't care.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!


	




Since 1/1/11

 570 Subscribers.             Countries


How long a minute is depends on
which side of the bathroom door you're on.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning"

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned
ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"




Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of
the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: 'The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!' 'Leave us alone you
religious nuts!' yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve
they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the
priest and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just maybe say ...
'Bridge Out?'



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she
started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there
was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly
turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle
from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for
three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when
she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male
student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days
are over."



	Temples of the world

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Monday, March 28, 2011

Here is a delightful little report about Elks in town. If your 
connection can handle it, you can watch it in High Def.
These Colorado Elk seem to be a lot more excitable than the
ones we have here.
Elks in town

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 570 Subscribers.             Countries


From Moe:
Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife 
and he says, "I love you." 

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" 

He replies, "It's me............. Talking to the beer." 

Dumb thing to say on a 10th floor veranda.
The funeral is scheduled for next Saturday.



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about   something his lover said.

After marriage, many men fall asleep before their wife
finishes talking.





Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A congregation honours a pastor twenty-five years
of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week,
all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room,
there's a nude girl lying on the bed.

He picks up the phone, calls his church, and
says, "Where is your respect? As your pastor, I
am very, very angry with you."

The girl gets up and start to get dressed.

He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at
you."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again,
all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds
no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride
to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she
see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing
to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"



	Church Renos

   |     | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, March 27, 2011

Thanks, Elizabeth!

Foggy and frosty all day, and even now, that magical orange
glow from the street lights being absorbed in fog, low cloud and
light snow. It DOES look pretty, but personally, I would rather
tilt the hood off my parka down, and let my hair fly in a nice
and lively spring breeze.

Well, winter will soon be over and we'll get the season of
rough sledding.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 570 Subscribers.             Countries


An old lady goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I've got
terrible wind. I just can't stop. Luckily they are
completely silent and they don't smell at all. In fact, you
won't have noticed, but I've farted 20 times since I've
been in here."

The doctor listens and says "OK, well take these tablets,
3 per day for the next week and they should help." The lady
returns a week later looking really crest fallen and not at
all happy. She say's "Doctor, those tablets just made
things worse. Now the farts smell dreadful."

The doctor replied: "Well, now we've cleared your sinuses,
we just need to sort out your hearing."



Subscribe a friend to Ophelia Dingbatter's News!

(They will receive a confirmation request)


Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and
baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father
stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother
will come back. She's only bringing people babies and
making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother
and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother
is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as
possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and
daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their
son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before
dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he's been
all night.

Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring
the hell out of college students!"





Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in
heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the
first nun, "Sister Lillian, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger." 

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy Water 
and pass through the gate." 

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth 
have you ever had any contact with a penis?" 

The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and 
stroked one." 

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and 
pass through the gate." 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, 
one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she 
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says
"Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush?" 

Sister Isabella replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy 
water, I want to go before Sister Maria Carolina sticks her 
fat ass in it!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.
Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies
about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Sam comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Morris, " You
wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "

Morris says....A 500 pound herring ? Well that's nothing, last time I
fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish
ship . . .  and da candle was still burning! "

They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Morris said to Sam...." Look Sam, if you take 450 pounds from
off your herring I'll blow out my candle ! " 



	Plate Tectonics