Mother, I know all about sex 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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It's Friday, March 12, 2010

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The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know all about sex, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a decent lasagna....."
A woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store. He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was really pleased about that and grinning from ear to ear and walked into a Chinese restaurant nearby to celebrate. In there she collided with a waiter. The waiter bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

On their last vacation, John and Marsha saved some money by staying a night in a very cheap hotel. Just as they were falling asleep, they heard the sounds of creaky mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first they were amused by the amorous couple. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes they were more than a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, they were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping them awake. After half an hour they were incensed! After an hour they had to admit - they were pretty damned impressed.
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins." He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace." She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
In her late forties her father died and she came into a lot of money. The father had kept her a tight lead on her and she had never dated, had sex or anything to do with a man like that. So with her new found wealth she hired a detective agency to find her an attractive man about her same age who had never had a woman so they could start out even. Not an easy task. They looked all over this country, then started overseas. Finely after a many month search they found a man way off in the outback, raised by natives that they could certify had never had any relations with a woman. They contacted him, told him of the woman's generous offer of cash. If he would come to the states and marry her. He accepted and they were married. On the wedding night the woman went into the bath to get ready for bed. When she came back out every bit of furniture was pushed and stacked in a corner, the main room bare. She asked, What is going on. This is to be the most wonderful night of our lives and you have moved all the furnishings to the corner?" He said, "Oh this will be a wonderful night. I have never had a woman but I have dreamed ,as you have, about this night for years and let me tell you we are going to need all the room we can get, if it turns out to be anything like with a Kangaroo
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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Too early to get up 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, March 11, 2010

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A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional staff members and moves to the town. While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort, the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the proprietor, and at one point in the conversation he asks the local man if he has any idea why the birth rate is so high. "Sure," says the coffee shop owner. "Every morning the 6:00 train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear, that he was following you and taking pictures for his web site."

"Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburgers costs $2. Use the hamburger." -Jeannie
A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married. His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built. Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food. Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them.
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive young woman smiled demurely, shook her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband always limits me to one drink when we party." Curious as to why her husband should place such a stringent limitation on her at a party, he asked, "Why is that?" She replied, with a slightly strained smile ... "Because after just one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ... anyone can!"
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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Pull him by the ears 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, March 10, 2010

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The scene is a psychiatrists office. A patient is saying, "Doc you gotta help me. Im 38 years old and I still wet my bed." The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit." The guy says, "Whats the second way?" The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair."
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

There was a woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time and was on her honeymoon. She told the new groom that he had to be very gentle with her since she was a virgin. "What do you mean?" said the groom. "Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a gynecologist, so all he wanted to do was examine me. My third husband was a stamp collector -- boy, do I miss him."
An elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He couldn't help but stare at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed. "May I propose a wager," said the elderly man. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the way I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!" "Okay, agreed!" said the agency owner. The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss, then the agency owner did the same. Then the elderly man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half. "What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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He's downtown playing poker with you 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, March 8, 2010

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Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?". The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!"
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job."
Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl drools out of both sides of her mouth? A. The trailer is level!
From D The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast Table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" She asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry, And I don't want some a$$hole using my stuff..." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole?"
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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Waiting for the second "Gotcha" 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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It's Sunday, March 7, 2010

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT, ma'am," hissed Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
Easy arrest
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to send his wife in so that he can talk to her. The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore." The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me." The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want." The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me." The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, smack my wife on the butt and say 'hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?' " The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sound asleep every time."
A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's. The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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