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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, March 10, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The scene is a psychiatrists office. A patient is saying, "Doc you gotta help me. Im 38 years old and I still wet my bed." The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit." The guy says, "Whats the second way?" The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair." On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." 
There was a woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time and was on her honeymoon. She told the new groom that he had to be very gentle with her since she was a virgin. "What do you mean?" said the groom. "Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a gynecologist, so all he wanted to do was examine me. My third husband was a stamp collector -- boy, do I miss him." An elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He couldn't help but stare at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed. "May I propose a wager," said the elderly man. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the way I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!" "Okay, agreed!" said the agency owner. The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss, then the agency owner did the same. Then the elderly man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half. "What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner. A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, March 8, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?". The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!" She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you." 
When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job." Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl drools out of both sides of her mouth? A. The trailer is level! From D The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast Table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" She asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry, And I don't want some a$$hole using my stuff..." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, March 7, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT, ma'am," hissed Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!" 
Easy arrest
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to send his wife in so that he can talk to her. The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore." The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me." The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want." The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me." The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, smack my wife on the butt and say 'hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?' " The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sound asleep every time." A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's. The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, March 6, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Just think, if it weren't for women to tell them different, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom. "But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!" 
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex. To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year." The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!" Two hillbillies drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX." So the hillbilly filled up and asked to play the contest and said " I Guess 7" "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one hillbilly asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the hillbilly. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. Come back soon and try again. As the two hillbillies were walking back to the car, one hillbilly said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other hillbilly, "My wife won twice last week." Wife...lets go out and have fun tonight. Husband.....Okay! If you get home before I do, please leave the hall light on.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, March 5, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy. From Ross After my divorce, I turned to computer dating services, which provided me with names and phone numbers of women whose profiles seemed a good match for me. Nervously, I picked up the phone and called the first woman on my list. To my great relief, she was quite pleasant, and I actually mustered up the courage to ask her out. "I'm sorry," she replied firmly. "I just can't do that." I was stunned. "Do you mind my asking why not?" I asked. "Because," she said, "I'm your wife's divorce attorney, and you'd probably kill me." 
A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old: When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick. The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet." A father and his son go into the grocery store and see the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that three-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the six-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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